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The Fear Never Bothered Me Anyway

Today during my meditation I decided I had had enough.I had had enough of the relentless, incessant negative thoughts that consume me for most of the day.This nagging feeling that I should be doing more, I’m behind, I’m not where I want to be, I’m wasting time.I had gotten better at not following these thoughts, […]

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Today during my meditation I decided I had had enough.
I had had enough of the relentless, incessant negative thoughts that consume me for most of the day.
This nagging feeling that I should be doing more, I’m behind, I’m not where I want to be, I’m wasting time.
I had gotten better at not following these thoughts, but unfortunately from time to time they sneak back in.
Especially during my meditations.

So I tried something that I’ve been reading about, but wasn’t sure how to do.
I decided to surrender.

I dropped it all…
The armor
The wall
The knives
All my defenses

Everything that seemed so frightening… all the worry, all the angst, all my battles.
I dropped it all and surrendered.
And that’s when all my fears came barreling through.
Like an army, it all came charging directly at me.

I allowed it all to come at me. I allowed the fear to attack me. Defenses down.

And you know what?

At that moment, right before the fear hit me in the face…

It all dissolved
It all disintegrated
It all turned to dust

Everything that I was afraid of fell away
All the illusions disappeared right in front of me

And at that moment
I knew
I knew it wasn’t real
It never was real

It was all in my head, my lizard brain. Lack and attack

And immediately I remembered this quote from A Course in Miracles…

“Nothing real can be threatened
Nothing unreal exists
Herein lies the peace of God”

I felt those words
I knew those words
Those words were real

Those words meant to me – I am home
I am connected…

To the Universe
To Peace
To Love
To the ever present voice of oneness

I felt and saw all my defenses crumbling
I allowed them to change me
Knowing….In my defenselessness my safety lies

I knew I was protected
I knew I was safe
I trusted
I just knew

I knew nothing could hurt me, or harm me
Because I put my faith in the Universe

And all my fear crumbled
Why?
Because it was never real anyway

It became laughable
And I said out loud:

“Laugh at the silly thoughts that take up most of your day”

And then I smiled to myself…or rather smirked

The fear never bothered me anyway.

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People look for retreats for themselves, in the country, by the coast, or in the hills . . . There is nowhere that a person can find a more peaceful and trouble-free retreat than in his own mind. . . . So constantly give yourself this retreat, and renew yourself.

- MARCUS AURELIUS

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