Do you find yourself attracted to the same kind of people over and over again? Are you drawn to someone who professes their love for you, almost immediately, but at the same time, hurts you over and over again? There is a certain kind of attraction that is addictive. It involves someone who may be so charismatic, that you get swept away by their charm and powerful attention towards you. If you are codependent, you become immediately enthralled by their allure, which is the ultimate high.
This ‘Dance of Romance’ begins by finding the perfect complementary partner
In some cases, the attraction and seduction may become so intense that you get caught up in the frenzy of ‘love’ and like an emotional tsunami, may find yourself lost inside the tidal wave unable to get out. By the time you realize it, you’re caught in the undertow, you’re in too deep and the magnetic force is almost impossible to overcome. If you are one of the lucky ones and can release yourself from the forceful pull, it may take years to get over. Yet like most codependents, you may find yourself in yet another dysfunctional relationship pattern that repeats, over and over again. The results are often so devastating, permeating the way you live and work as well as sucking the vital life force out you after repeated patterns of falling for the same empty promises that never come to fruition.
Ross Rosenberg, psychotherapist, is the author of a revolutionary and cutting edge book, Surviving Narcissistic Abuse, The Human Magnet Syndrome, The Codependent Narcissist Trap, he explains the painful truth about why you “remain loyal to people who profess their love for you, but who at the same time hurt you, over and over again. (Self-Love Deficit Disorder-Codependency)
There is a specific personality type ‘match’ that pulls people into this kind of relationship. If you are a codependent, you are more connected to someone else’s needs. You are someone who cares for other’s needs over your own. As a caregiver, you are always attracted to someone like a narcissist, who is always connected to their own needs. Like dance partners, there is a perfect match of opposite roles, a perfect pairing of one who leads and the other who follows. We call this ‘chemistry.’ The codependent matches perfectly as the caregiver, and needs the care needer. It’s reciprocal and mutual, as the narcissist needs to feel needed, too.
They seek partners that submit to their needs. They feel an explosion of love, even on the first date! The codependent sees this person as a poor wounded soul and they feel special and needed while in submission. This dance pattern can last for a lifetime. This dynamic, with the Codependent and the Pathological Narcissist feels complete, as they are magnetically pulled together. The attraction works because the codependent matches perfectly with the narcissist. The caregiver needs the care needer to feel whole. The intensity of their love far exceeds the need for healthy partners. Together they feel whole. The emotional manipulator needs someone to take care of them.
There is an urge to connect. They are are attracted to a complementary personality type. There is something about the codependent that makes the narcissist feel right and something about the narcissist that makes the codependent feel right. The codependent needs someone to take care of and they feel special and needed for submission. The intensity of their love, the euphoria far exceeds that feeling for healthy partners. They are pulled together more deeply and quickly by their wounds, and they feel finally like they are a whole person. It is a strong bond.They are so toxic to each other, they are addicted. If they try to break up, both cannot tolerate loneliness, so they are either pulled back together or may be magnetized to another similar ‘dance partner.’ They immediately seek someone to take away the pain. They fight so much, yet they end up coming back together. Like magnets, they are perfectly pulled together with an intensity. Givers don’t have chemistry with each other. Opposite poles attract each other.
‘Many codependents, at some time in their lives, were true victims—of someone’s abuse, neglect, abandonment, alcoholism, or any number of situations that can victimize people. We were, at some time, truly helpless to protect ourselves or solve our problems. Something came our way, something we didn’t ask for, and it hurt us terribly. That is sad, truly sad. But an even sadder fact is that many of us codependents began to see ourselves as victims. Our painful history repeats itself. As caretakers, we allow people to victimize us, and we participate in our victimization by perpetually rescuing people. Rescuing or caretaking is not an act of love.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
The key is to understand why it is so difficult to let go and move forward with recovery. Seeking a professionally trained counselor can help you as the codependent to rise to the rigorous task of overcoming your addiction to the toxic partner. You may feel that there is so much to lose, and it is so very frightening to decide to learn to take care of yourself. There is great risk, fear, and anxiety of setting boundaries and not taking toxic treatment. After sufficient support, the caregiver is ready to pursue a life on one’s own which becomes a norm, instead of self-hatred and self-deprecation.
It has become apparent that not only is your emotional welfare at stake, but living in constant stress and low self-esteem can negatively affect your health. The word is out and leading edge physicians like Christiane Northrup, M.D., have been doing their own research, in search of solutions for their own personal sanity. In her recently released book, Dodging Energy Vampires, An Empath’s Guide to Evading Relationships That Drain You and Restoring Your Health and Power, Dr. Northrup “draws on the latest research in this exciting new field. Along with stories from her global community and her own life, she explores the phenomenon of energy vampires and shows us how we can spot them, dodge their tactics, and take back our own energy.”
This New York Times #1 best-selling author, is not only a visionary pioneer in women’s health, but on her own mission to reveal and heal, through “techniques you can use to leave these harmful relationships behind; heal from the darkness they’ve cast over your mind, body, and spirit; and let your own light shine.” Check out her 7 Strategies for protecting yourself against energy vampires here
“As a survivor of some rather challenging relationships with emotional manipulators, I must say to the codependent readers there is most definitely hope for healthy love! I am living proof that if you make a commitment to a healing and transformational process, it is possible to squelch, if not completely stop, the dysfunctional voices that our emotional manipulator parents instilled in our minds.
When healed, you can finally can let go of the thinking that you are only worthwhile by how much you give and how well you take care of others. (This only benefits the narcissist.) The risk to stay in the relationship may eventually be more painful than leaving the relationship. For many who are ready to step out of their safe, numb comfort zone, they must live through the perceived consequences of fear. While others are so addicted that they see more value in staying in a closed and safe environment than taking a chance at being open and hurt.
There comes a time when you allow yourself to emerge from your safety zone and no longer settle for loneliness-infused safety. Instead of remaining as a bud, not knowing the potential of your magnificence of expansiveness, you may consider taking the risk to transform into the fully bloomed flower you were meant to be. Then you will experience and understand for the first time what self-love is all about. Although your recovery will be met with opposition, and it is not easy, it is well worth it because you will experience the fully actualized version of yourself.
Finally, The Human Magnet Syndrome is a book that identifies the previously unnamed factor that is a whole system of dysfunction, that many have experienced as damaging relationships. This book was created by a psychotherapist who knows intimately the dynamics of this syndrome. He was determined to set himself free, through his own experiences and wanted to ‘stop the insanity once and for all.’ He spent several years searching for the answers to his own pain, and now has the most comprehensive approach to help us all. Now is the time to transform painful lifelong patterns into meaningful healthy ones.
“I challenge the readers of my book to courageously commit to never giving up on yourselves — to never again feel powerless in a relationship that is harmful to you.’
Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC, CSAT is a psychotherapist, international speaker, author, professional trainer, and codependency expert (Self-Love Deficit Disorder™)
In his new book you will find additional keys:
- Personal experiences & case studies are described along with steps as to how you can detach and break the bond
- Rosenberg refers to codependents as having an ADDICTION.
- Charts and steps are included to identify your mate as a possible narcissist and at what level/scale dysfunction level your relationship stands.
If you are seeking more in depth help there is his 10-Stage Codependency Cure™ which is Revolutionary. It combines his Human Magnet Syndrome, Codependency Cure™, Self-Love Deficit Disorder™ and Self-Love Recovery™ into a comprehensive treatment program.