My Mess of a Life is Improving.

Enjoying the Mess.

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My Daughter and I.

Ok, so the last time I spoke to you, my life was a mess, and I was embracing the lesson. Today I come to you with my life being a little less of the mess that it was. I did, in fact, quit one of my jobs, and now I have more time to be a mom to my only child and more time to write and follow my passions. And it has been great; so much so that I know for sure now, that this is what I am meant to do. Additionally, the time I now have to rest has been a phenomenal contributor to feeling well and being able to think. Inspiration still comes at strange times and sometimes it will come all at once or not at all. I find myself sometimes annoyed that I have two days off and wasn’t able to write anything and just before work the third day, many ideas will arrive, but that’s inspiration for you.

I was worried about money when quitting the second job but so far so good. I have to be very careful with money and how I spend money of course and had to limit spending on many things, but so far the major bills have been paid, thanks to the grace of God. They may not be paid on time but they are paid. Doing without some things has been a small price for the peace and presence of mind I now have. A small price to pay to be able to rest, a small price to pay to be able to spend more time with my daughter and have more time with myself. I am so grateful for this time, and I can’t believe how stressed and worried I was about letting go of the second job even though I knew it was depriving me of a quality life. I wish I had done this sooner. But I know everything happens when it must.

I still work not doing what I love and it still feels like I am wasting a lot of time and getting nowhere sometimes. At times like this, I tell myself that even slow progress is progress, and I have been able to increase my writing. I tell myself, everything in stages was the plan, so that I don’t run off and make rash decisions. The fact that everything seems OK except for a few minor adjustments means it’s sometimes tempting to just do what I really want to do and leave my job like I did a couple years ago. But I remind myself that it did not work out before and why. I remind myself that I am doing this in stages and that I am still responsible for another human being. The good news is I was able to write a few Children’s Books that are illustrated by my daughter, we have self published one (Leopold the Leopard Learns to Love his Coat) with the rest soon to come. However, I still struggle with the question of can I ever reach my full potential while living this half-life I mentioned before; without being able to give 100% of my effort and time to writing, will I be able to write at my full potential? I think I can get there. I think that giving 100% of my effort to the time I have now while it may not get me to my full potential, it will get me to continue great writing which will in turn open up opportunities to enable me to do it full time and get to my full potential.

The next question or step I have been searching to answer or accomplish is what aspect of writing I really want to pursue and how do I achieve that in a way that’s feasible financially. The answers have not been forthcoming, but I get a little piece of the puzzle ever so often. In fact, today I learned I need to be more consistent with my art in order to build an audience. Oh yes, I learned that I need an audience too. My struggle with being consistent is how can art really be art if it is scheduled? I soon answered this too: when the writings come, let them come, but release them on certain days. Then your audience knows it will be available on certain days and this will hopefully help building said audience. Figuring out exactly what aspect I want to focus on though is still unanswered.

So my life is still messy, but I am learning a lot about how I want it to be and how to make it better. I am learning that it won’t happen all at once. I am learning to enjoy each step in the process. I am learning to recognize solutions when they appear and see that they come in different ways, such as articles, or a discussion with a friend, or my own thoughts. I am learning to be grateful for where I am right now and embrace where I am.

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