After the birth of my third child, my goddess of a daughter “Aurora”. I was filled with gratitude and strength, at the body being a conduit for miracles.
Once the endorphins of labor had passed and my life started to regain some kind of normality. I started to notice some uneasy feelings within myself. I wanted nothing more then to be a mother, to take care of my baby and older children.
Yet this uneasy feeling sat in the pit of my stomach, a feeling that I was failing at the one thing I wished to succeed in. Feelings of guilt that I couldn’t settle my baby, that the house was a mess, I just couldn’t keep up with it all. I felt isolated, alone and numb, I was afraid these feelings would last forever.
Aurora was my third child, I felt confident that by my third I would of ironed out any parenting creases and it would somehow be easy. The realization that it wasn’t hit me in the face like a tonne of bricks.
I realize now how common these feelings were and how they associated with post natal depression. Already being diagnosed with bipolar disorder as a young child, the last thing I wanted was another “label”.
I struggled to get her to feed, burp, settle or sleep. This was my constant battle for a year. I was a drained, fatigued and running on empty.
After many doctors visits to no avail. My naturopath mentioned some cultures ingest their placenta. That’s the place I was at, I would try anything, and I did. The placenta became a symbol of hope, hope that I would soon feel like my usual self and I would be able to settle my baby.
After ingesting the placenta I did start to notice changes within myself. I started to become more aware of my feelings, feelings that I had buried deep inside myself.
Within that first year I suffered my first heart attack at the age of 32. I had chosen to ignore my emotions since childhood. I chose to not deal with hurt, abandonment, physical, emotional and sexual abuse. It seemed easier to ignore rather than deal with. I now wholeheartedly believe this build up of emotional pain manifested physically and ultimately caused my heart attack.
I knew I needed to embark on a deep personal development journey. I made a conscious effort to maintain open lines of communication with loved ones. I made massive diet and lifestyle changes, some of which included giving up alcohol, caffeine and eating a more wholefood plant based diet. I started to socialize and leave the house again, surrounding myself with positive like minded people.
I adopted new daily habits that would bring happiness into my life. Some of which included emotional freedom technique, meditation and using essential oils to support my emotions. Yes it all sounds a bit hippie, but the truth is doing these things daily has profoundly shifted my life into a new consciousness. I also decided to shift my focus onto gratitude, rather than focusing on any negatives. The remarkable thing is that once I made that shift in my life, that any of the earlier challenges I had settling my baby literally disappeared. It was as if she picked up on the unhappiness and emotional turmoil boiling within me.
Coming close to death allowed me to truly appreciate the life within myself. We all have the ability to heal ourselves and live a life that we desire.
I am truly grateful for the birth of my daughter and my heart attack. This sparked something amazing to fruition.