I owe you an apology.
For years, I have blamed you for my struggles. I knew that what was going on within didn’t define me. What I didn’t consider, however, is that maybe these experiences weren’t who you were either.
I am so sorry for pointing fingers at you, brain. I’m sorry for calling you, the consciousness that carries me, faulty, wrong, and unreliable. I’m sorry for trying to continue on with my life, pushing past your “inconvenient” cries for help. I’m sorry for assuming your intentions, believing that you maliciously sabotage everything that holds deep meaning in my life.
I was wrong.
Yes, there has been hardship, but our struggles are not our entirety. No matter what internal challenges present themselves, they do not define me. They do not define you either. They never have. We are not our experiences. We are so much more.
Brain, I now realize that you’ve never purposely tried to hurt me. If anything, you’ve brilliantly attempted to adapt yourself to protect me from pain. However, I was too scared to face the vulnerability of really looking at you and hearing you out, so I left you to unconsciously hold the weight of our survival all alone. In retrospect, I wish I had been a better friend to you, as you always were to me.
This past year with you has been beautiful. For the first time ever, I have courageously taken steps to truly show up for you and learn about your experience of life without judgment. Nothing in the world has been more miraculous than finally daring to look within, taking steps to elevate our life together, day by day, experience by experience.
In doing so, I have realized that I never fought my battles alone, and that life is more magical than I had ever dared to believe.
Now, I deeply honor and value you, and I see that you have always done your best to show up for me. I have grown to understand you for who you truly are: a reliable teammate who is always trying to do the right thing, no matter what. I hope I can repay you by consciously showing up for you in return. You have always been so honorable and loyal to me.
I want you to know that I love you and no longer dread spending the rest of my life in your company. In fact, I look forward to our future more than ever. I am grateful for the opportunity to continue healing together. I now understand that you are on my side and always do your best to help me. When your best shows up symptomatically, it simply means that you are trying your best while experiencing immeasurable pain. It is all allowed, and together we can transcend anything.