In March 2016 it was nearly over for me.
I realise now that I loved wallowing in self pity. I loved being a victim. I loved negativity. Self pity, victimhood and negativity are addictive. At the time I couldn’t see it.
I can’t believe I’m where I am now. I never thought I’d get to this point. It’s better than I could’ve imagined.
I had my tablets saved up from the doctor. I had every intention of taking them all. I thought my daughter was better off without me. I thought she deserved better than me. To say I didn’t like myself much would be an understatement. I hated myself.
I felt numb. I took the tablets out and put them on my bed ready to take them. I lied down thinking about what I was going to do. Out of nowhere I cried. I didn’t feel numb any more. I told myself I didn’t come through what I have to end it like this. I told myself I didn’t want to ruin my daughter’s childhood. My childhood had been ruined. Did I really want to ruin hers too?
That night, I promised myself I wouldn’t end up in that dark place again. I would do anything to make sure I didn’t. It hit me. I can’t do this any more. I’d had enough. I was tired of the way I’d treated myself for years. Beating myself up, the constant negative self talk, the self blame, the guilt and shame. I couldn’t live like that any more.
None of those negative emotions were mine, but I made them mine. The abuse that had been done to me as a little girl caused those negative emotions. I realised it was ok to not blame myself. That it wasn’t my fault. Not blaming myself any more changed everything for me. There was nothing to be ashamed of. Because as soon as I did that there was no shame or guilt. All those negative emotions belonged to the person who abused me. Not me.
For over 30 years I’d held on to these negative emotions. The negative self talk. I knew I had a lot of work to do. It overwhelmed me. But I had to keep my promise to myself.
I identified myself by my trauma. It wasn’t just part of me, it was who I was. I thought I didn’t deserve to be happy. I clung on to my trauma identity. When I stopped blaming myself, I realised I wasn’t a victim any more. Everything I’d become and everything in my life was my responsibility. I couldn’t blame my abuser or anyone who failed to protect me. There was no blame. I realised that was a good thing, because it meant I could take control and change what I wasn’t happy with. That responsibility was mine, no-one else’s.
You are responsible for your life. The past is done. It can’t be changed. If you’re not happy you can change what you’re not happy with right now. The day you realise that you and only you are responsible is the best day of your life because it allows you to take control and use your power.
There’s always light in darkness. I’m grateful that I found my light, despite ending up in the darkest of places to find it. If that hadn’t happened to me two years ago, I wouldn’t be where I am now.
Negative emotions don’t impact you and your well-being. Holding on to them for too long does.
I’m living proof of that. Doing that nearly killed me.
There isn’t anything your spirit can’t overcome. It’s all within you right now. You have the wisdom and that love in your heart that you give so freely to others, give it to yourself. It will change your life in ways you could never imagine.
It took for me to look death in the face to rebuild my life. I left it until it couldn’t get any worse. I couldn’t get any lower. I’m grateful for those dark times two years ago because they’ve given me the drive to create a vision and a life I’m excited to live. Anything is possible. I’m not just talking about the big dreams and goals. I’m talking about recovering from things you never thought you could.
The inner work I’ve done has enabled me to develop fierce self love and unshakeable self belief. I have a strong foundation on which I’m creating a life I’m excited to live. That for me is the outcome of doing the inner work.
You can reconnect with that wounded inner child. You can reconnect with your soul and get clear on what it is you truly want. Choose life. Choose you. Every time.