“Life always gives you a Second chance; and thats Tomorrow”
I often find myself stuck in this Fantasy world, and in that; I dream of things that my Heart cant seem to grasp. So I get lost, stuck, I start to feel overwhelmed; wondering how to pull myself out of this Hole that I had dug. Then it hits me, not like a bird that hits a window. It hit me enough that it made an impact for me to think. Who am I? What am I here for? Everyone around you has asked themselves those same exact questions, now some may find an answer right away; as for others not as fast. I found what I am here for, my Story; it matters. Someone across the world may be able to read this and say, “Im not alone”. In that same second, they may find their Story.
At a young age I was cooking, cleaning, taking care of certain people, giving medicine, I had a Schedule ran by me. Most of the time I did things that only Adults should do. I had to focus on what a person needed, and not what I needed. I always put myself last. I made myself believe if I put myself first; it’s Selfish of me to do so. So my childhood was cut short because of wrongful actions, committed by whom you are supposed to learn from. Who is that you might ask? Your Mother and Father. They say your Mother is your Bestfriend, as for your Father he is your Hero. Sadly though that isn’t what it was for me.
My Mother was a Drug addict, but she always had to deny it, so she wouldn’t look like the “Bad” Parent. She was Married to another man, who didn’t respect her children that had lived there. Having to go to school with bruises on my back from being hit with a belt as a “Punishment” was traumatizing. I wasn’t healthy, some days I would have to go to my Church and get food. I had to find ways to stay safe on my own, yes my Mother did protect from somethings. I will say I have some good Childhood memories with her, but it wasn’t enough to change what had happened. The school I went too Notice it all, which cause My Mother to lose custody of My brother and I. Being ripped out of your own home, screaming, watching your Mother crying, fighting the Police to try and gets us. That hits your tiny heart so hard, that you will never forget it.
My brother and I were put in Foster care, they split us apart. He was my best friend, and he knew everything. At times I annoyed him so much that he got mad, his reactions were funny, that they made me laugh. It was Hard growing up in the system, having these rules that I couldn’t seem to handle; because all I can remember was that I played by my rules. I went from home to home, finally landed in a group home, I felt somewhat connected too. I was overweight, because I was stress eating all of the time. I had nothing else to do but realize all the things My Mother has done. I was sick to my stomach, and I felt weak.
My Father, he was not there most of my life. He was something that you can see and Chase after but cant get him too slow down. He married a Beautiful Lady, she had a smile that can make anyone Jealous. But I barely knew her, I wasn’t invited to their wedding, and because of that I felt invisible to my own Dad. My father had heard what happened to his Children, so he Fought and Fought the court to gets us. Finally he got custody, we arrived at his beloved home, the grass was cut perfectly, the trees in the yard were big and green. My bedroom smelled like “Old Lady”, but it somewhat felt like home. Meeting his wife, was weird; because I still didn’t understand why he remarried in the first place. They set rules that I didn’t follow, because I struggled with that. I had to get use too living with another Mother figure. But I couldn’t Handle that, I was afraid that she might do the same, that My Mother did.
I constantly made wrong decisions, which led to bad Behavior, and caused to be given Punishments that I’ve never heard of. My brother started to grow up, he stoped talking to me. My dad was always working, and My Step mom was doing Lady things. My tiny heart felt lonely, I felt sick emotional, I started to become unhealthy. I took everything I was out on myself, I blame myself for everything that had happened, I punished MYSELF for things I didn’t do. I started damaging my body, creating scars, that make me sea sick to look at. Most days I stoped eating, threw up my food if I did eat.
I hated everything, I would look in the mirror and just cry, holding myself; asking “Why me?”. This broke everything I was, but I didn’t realize that all those negative behaviors hurt My Family. I felt worthless, so I attempted to take my life. Me looking back now, I shouldn’t have. That messed up everything I may had going for me. My dad was hurt, he felt like he was doing something wrong. He wasn’t, but for safety I went in and out of Hospitals, Medication after Medication; to numb feelings. Eventually it got to the point where my father couldn’t handle it, so he gave up. He put me Back into the system, which made me think that he turned out to be the person he said he wouldn’t be.
Two years of dealing with this pain, I overcame it all. Realizing it wasn’t my fault. I was growing up, trying to learn what I didn’t; when I was young. For all that I went through I notice how strong my tiny heart was, Im glad that I didn’t give up, that I didn’t throw away all my Hope. Here I am Writing this today, Im breathing, typing, I can read, but most importantly, I know my worth. I am adopted now, by a Family who will love me until the end, it hurts to know that your blood gave up on you, but it’s better to know that you’re loved.
Today Im standing tall, I was given shoes, because someone knew I could handle it all. There is more Challenges to come, but I will Face it, and Do my best. Remember You are not Alone, the moment there is pain it is only to test your abilities. You are more than what you think you are, you’re Beautiful, you’re a Human being with feelings, in a locked up Society. I believe in you, and you should too.
So dont waste your time doing the oblivious, Share your story make an impact on someone. You got this! 😉