Over the past 20 years, I’ve worked with and alongside women, and reflected back on my own relationship journey. Through that, I’ve learned why successful-in-their-own-right, badass women, who have it all, keep choosing men who are wrong for them.
Here are the 3 most common reasons:
- Your relationship style
- You ignore the red flags
- You’re a people pleaser
Relationship style
The fixer-upper
You try to fix/rescue/save them, AND of course, they fall for you because they’re caught in the opposite pattern.
Sometimes, that takes the form of us actively seeking out certain types of people because we think we’re broken. We believe that by ‘fixing’ others, we’ll fix ourselves. What we don’t realise is that we’re not broken at all.
Other times, this manifests in us looking for people who will mistreat us. This confirms to us what we hold and believe most deeply in our unconscious: that we’re worthless, or not good enough.
The bad-boy addict
You swing from one terrible relationship to the next. It seems so obvious to your friends that these men are not good for you, but you don’t see it so easily. This is because you’re attracted to the rush that often comes from dating a bad-boy and his life-on the-edge approach… until, it’s too late, and you’re stuck in the relationship.
The approval seeker
“If only I just did a, b, c, then he would love me more…” Sounds familiar?
You feel that being with a guy somehow affirms who you are, and it makes you feel good to be flattered, even if those comments are insincere. If you are constantly seeking the approval of others just to make yourself feel good, chances are you might have a self-esteem issue.
Often a lack of an important male figure in your life can make you especially susceptible to falling for guys who withhold approval, need fixing, are emotionally unavailable, or are downright toxic. Your unconscious beliefs and the stories you tell yourself hold you captive so that you repeat the pattern of trying to win their love (and failing) over and over again.
You ignore the red flags (and your intuition)
“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time”
These are the wise words of the late Maya Angelou, and I see this happen so often at the dating phase of a relationship. If something doesn’t sound right or doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t. Pay attention from the outset!
And similarly, if your heart says go while your gut says don’t, your gut is always right in this case – this IS your intuition.
Last but not least: if a guy seems more interested in getting in your pants rather than talking about your shared interests or the future, RUN!
You’re a people pleaser
Do you find yourself saying yes more times that you can count? Are you the go-to person for everything? Are you the one your friend/family/colleagues turn to organise birthdays, dinners, or when they have a problem? If you’ve answered yes to any of these, chances are you are a people pleaser.
What does this have to do with attracting the wrong guys? Keep reading.
Mr Wrong loves himself a people pleaser. Why? Because he gets to have his way. Suddenly when you once loved to visit museums on the weekend, you find yourself at home because he prefers that. It makes sense that if you do what he likes, then he’ll like you more, right? Umm, no. In the end, what happens to you and your relationship?
When we try to be pleasers, we don’t give our partner the opportunity to know who we really are, and we rob ourselves of standing in our power and speaking our truth – either way, it’s a lose-lose situation.