Do you know someone that constantly complains about a relationship? Maybe you’ve been complaining about someone to no avail? Hopefully, today’s post can help.
I recently worked with two brothers (I’ll call them Bob and Joe). They had always been close. They had grown up together as best friends.
Bob runs a construction company. Joe is still trying to find his path in life. He’s currently working as a cook.
Bob has always been there for Joe. Even after Bob married Susan, he still made it a point to spend time with Joe. About three years ago, with student loans, mounting debts, and unstable work, Joe was invited by Bob and Susan to live with them rent free. Things went well for the first year. Joe was paying down his student loans and no longer living on credit cards. He was making enough as a cook to pay his bills and have spending money in his pocket. He wasn’t making enough to live on his own.
As the shared household moved into their second year together, Bob began to notice that Joe was complaining about Susan more and more. He would complain that Susan parked in the middle of the driveway, so he had to park in the street. Joe complained that Susan would throw out his fish from the refrigerator. Joe complained that Susan complained. The complaining became the focal point of every conversation. It was destroying the relationship between Bob and Joe. The constant bickering was also beginning to affect Bob’s marriage to Susan.
Bob asked me to work with Joe. Joe was reluctant at first. He threatened to move out on his own. By his own admission, “he didn’t need this crap.”
After a few meetings with Joe, listening to all his complaints, he finally felt listened to enough, to begin listening. I shared what I thought Joe was saying. I hear Joe say that Susan was “doing things to make Joe mad.” He felt she was doing things on purpose. Joe felt Susan was trying to turn Bob against him. Joe thought Susan was trying to separate him from Bob. Joe really thought if I could change Susan everything would be fine. I shared with Joe I could not change Susan. I could, however, help him to change. If he would change, everything around him would change, including Susan. Joe was willing to try.
The first thing we talked about was changing focus. Joe spent so much time sharing all that was wrong, he didn’t take time to think about things that were good. I asked him to spend time journaling about the gifts he was experiencing. Instead of focusing on his smelly fish being tossed in the trash, I asked him to focus on his beer remaining cold in the refrigerator, powered by electricity he didn’t pay for. He was able to live rent free. This had allowed him to pay off all of his credit cards and his student loan debt would be paid off within the next 3 months. As he spent time journaling his blessings, he found he had more to write about than he thought. Yes, he could move out on his own. However, he would be right back in financial straits. He would be struggling to pay for unexpected expenses as they popped up. I had him write in his journal that he now has funds to pay for new tires, engine repairs, dental bills. He mustn’t lose sight of what he has. Simply by being grateful, some of his complaining subsided.
I also shared with Joe, what I shared with my granddaughter when she was small. Anytime you are feeling sad or depressed, you are thinking about yourself. The first step to feeling better is to think about someone else’s problems! When you look around at other people’s problems, suddenly, yours don’t seem so bad. I’m grateful my granddaughter understood and so did Joe. Once Joe recognized he was in complaining mode, he would shift his focus to someone with bigger problems. This immediately made his complaints seem smaller and irrelevant.
I explained to Joe we all tend to think the world evolves around us. When we get cut off in traffic, we think the driver cut us off on purpose. In reality, we’re not that important to others, especially drivers. More often than not, the driver isn’t thinking at all about you. He likely didn’t see you. When we think people are doing things to us intentionally, we are being self-absorbed.
This concept led me to the biggest eye opener for Joe (and most of us). When we are judging others, it doesn’t define them. It defines us. Quite often the things we complain about in others, is what we can see in ourselves. If we constantly think someone is lying to us, it’s likely we lie. If we constantly think someone is trying to cheat us, it’s likely we’ve cheated someone else. As Joe reflected, he could see where thinking Susan was doing things to make him mad; her doing things on purpose, and trying to turn Bob against him, mirrors his role in the relationship. His self-awareness and admission are playing a major role in his conscious effort to overcome his habit of complaining.
Complaining is habit forming. It can be a sign of needing affirmation, wanting someone to see things your way. However, seeing things your way will not change things. As Joe is learning, all of us are a work in progress. We have plenty of rough edges. Each person that “rubs us the wrong way” is literally a blessing. They are sandpaper smoothing our rough edges. Helping us to overcome our own thinking. Helping us to quit letting things bother us. Helping us to accept differences. Helping us to be grateful no matter what.
I hope you’ve learned some ways to think differently. To see things differently. You can change. When someone no longer bothers you, it is a sign of your growth!
Remember, there is greatness within you. You must choose greatness. It won’t develop on its own. I believe in you!
“Don’t let a situation be more important than your relationship.”
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Published by Bryan M. Balch, Results CoachHelping Individuals and Businesses Achieve Desired Results
#relationships #personaldevelopment #reflection #judgment