“When a Man’s Why is Strong Enough, He Can Bear Almost Any How” Nietzsche
Zane and Ryeleigh saved my life. 5 years ago, It was the first time in my life that I ever had a plan to kill myself. I never told anybody I had those thoughts and that’s how I know it was serious. I usually called mental health professionals and tried to get help, but this time I kept everything to myself.
I told these kids every day “You are worth it. I believe in you. You can do anything you wanna do.” Yet, I allowed guilt from people who claimed to love me, and the hateful words from those in my neighborhood “You’ll never make it” hold me back from living my most empowered and empowering life.
Raising 2 kids was the most challenging and therefore the most rewarding experience of my life. Because I made that choice to help them grow up, they made me step up.
What got these kids stuck in my heart? If we go back 21 years from today, Zane was born. (He turned 21 on May 13, 2019) With Zane, it was love at first sight. He had the biggest smile the first time I met him. I was laying in my bed and my sister comes in and wakes me up with “here’s your nephew!” “Can I hold him?” (I hate when people wake me, but this was a baby!)
I laid in bed and held him up above me and said “Hey boo boo!!” (like I’m Yogi the Bear) and he loved it, so that became my nickname for him.
After a few months, my mother & I became the ones who took care of Boo Boo because my sister was not able to take care of him. My mother had custody and we were like a team raising Zane. (Papa---my dad--was there for a couple years too until he and my mom finally separated for good).
I invested my nights taking care of Zane. I always volunteered to bath him, or feed him, play with him, play video games with him, sing with him, dance with him, take him outside or any other things that I could do to help my mom while she was doing chores that took her attention from being fully present with Zane.
I had the best time with Zane it was like I was a kid again. And I felt truly loved and understood with him. When Zane got to be 11 or so, it was like he was more of an adult that most people I knew and I felt like were good friends. I feel like he taught me more than I taught him.
Zane is a talented genius. He’s good at everything he does, from painting people like Joe Montana (that nobody has to ask who it is), to writing poetry, songs and making beats, this guy can do anything and he’s been doing it since he was about 8, including a YouTube channel. He blows my mind with his wisdom every time I talk to him.
Ryeleigh was born in 2005. She will be 14 in September. It is still hard to let go of Rye. When she goes to a dance or is around a lot of boys I always wanna say “don’t let them touch you” or “be good” or something, but I don’t want to sound judgemental, and I trust her to make the right choices.
Ryeleigh is a genius! She’s smarter than me and she’s a great communicator and speller! She’s very good with youtube and with her pictures and has an amazing sense of humor. Once, while I camped with her outside on the trampoline, she said “It’s Firefly Rush Hour”. HUH? She said there were a lot of fireflies at that time and we were trying to catch one in a jar. She also said “set your internal clock and you’ll get up in time!” What kid talks like that? She’s an amazing dancer, singer, writer and wonderful friend to all. She has wisdom beyond her years. That girl has changed my life and made me a better woman and as my mom would say “more of a lady”. I cannot give in with a man I enjoy being with and have sex, because Rye may not find out, but I WILL KNOW! I want her to see that SHE IS worth it! IT IS worth waiting til you are married!
I used to say I’d die for these kids. But now I live for them. That’s true love. It’s daily actions & the absence of actions (like not having sex before marriage) that don’t involve my mission. That includes pruning my branches & saying goodbye to perfectly good people I care for and enjoy spending time with because they are not furthering my mission. Saying goodbye to people and setting boundaries have been the hardest things I’ve had to do. That is something I can now show Zane & Ryeleigh how to do.
I wanted to show these kids a better way of life. I didn’t think I was capable of achieving my big, audacious goals. I was too afraid, I didn’t think I was enough. I didn’t think I was worthy. God told me I am worth it & that the way to help them (the rest of my family & the world) is to be the woman of excellence He created me. That means going new places and doing new things.
Theses kids (and my mom & other family) are the MAIN reason that I was able to bear sleeping outdoors and being shamed, judged, told to get a job, and ostracized by the very people I want to empower.
These kid are the reason I stay up late (sometimes midnight) and get up at 4 am to build a business that almost nobody besides myself believes I can make succeed.
These kids are the reason I save 200$ a month out of my 1000$ disability check (to invest in events like Powerful U & Lewis Howes’ Summit of Greatness, or going to Erie to see them) & pay 500$ to live in a bunk bed at a 20 person hostel with roaches and verbally abusive people who stay up all hours getting high, drunk, screaming and sometimes physically hurting others. (WORST THING EVER--tell you about my childhood later.)
These kids are the reason I get up on stage and sing or make speeches about HARD topics!!
THESE KIDS will see more and more amazing things happening to me BECAUSE of them!
“When a man’’s why is strong enough, he can bear almost any how” Nietzsche
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