We always go into a relationship or marriage, intending for it to last, right? But most of the time it doesn’t. It turns out that the secret to a lasting relationship is THIS conversation.
I work with people all over the world, helping them create the love life and whole life they desire. One of the most common things I see is that people develop themselves while they are single, but as soon as they get into a relationship, they think they can just coast. Sure it’s fun to ride the wave at the beginning of a relationship, but eventually that wave brings you to shore so if you’re not prepared to do the work on yourself, your relationship will end up being a beached whale.
Get ready for the best kept secret to a lasting relationship. It’s just one conversation that has the capacity to inspire growth and connection til death do you part. I did this with my partner Tommy and my clients do the same.
So what is this magical conversation?
There are 3 steps:
Here’s an exact way you can start the conversation:
“Honey, you and I both have a history of failed relationships, right? But we want THIS relationship to last! So let’s try something different. Let’s tell each other our relationship failure patterns and then create a plan for how to prevent it. I’ll go first…”
It’s that easy!
So for example, I shared with Tommy that in my past relationships I went from easy-going to over-accommodating. I’d stop doing the things I needed to be happy and would eventually lose myself, get resentful and irritable, not want to have sex, and then inevitably fall out of love and need to leave the relationship to get connected to myself again.
This is important stuff for us BOTH to be aware of!
Next was Step 2. We made a prevention plan. A prevention plan is a plan for how how we will prevent this inevitable problem from ultimately ending our relationship once the honeymoon phase is over. The plan we created for this particular pattern of mine, was that I would first get crystal clear about what it means to be connected to myself and then list all the things I need to do in order to have that.
Here’s my list. In addition to the wonderful things we did together, I also need:
Look, Sometimes these needs might inconvenience him or make him feel unimportant, but now he knows that when I’m UN-accomodating, that it I’m actually taking responsibility for my own happiness, which means I’m making the relationship a priority.
Feeling good is a major factor in a healthy lasting relationship. Being aligned with my needs will help our relationship last and often results in more sex because when I feel good, I embrace pleasure. We also agreed that Tommy would help me notice when I’m not doing the things that I need in order to be happy, but that ultimately it would be my responsibility and it’s his job to support me.
We continue to work this plan, even years later. If I’m bitchy, resentful, or without a sex-drive, the FIRST place I look is where I’ve stopped doing the things that I need to do in order to be happy and connected to myself. I apologize immediately for my nasty behaviour and make a plan to incorporate the things I need into my life. We talk it through so he gets to be a part of what will ultimately make me happy.
Now, I’m not the only one with patterns!
So then we moved on to the third step: switch and repeat.
We had the same conversation about Tommy’s relationship patterns and created a prevention plan for that.
It’s quite amazing. We complicate relationships in our minds, but I would say approximately 80% of relationship problems can be handled inside of this conversation as long as you tend to it regularly.
Pretty Cool right!?! Give it a try!
Love yourself, Love your life. Thrive in Love! Don’t settle.