I’m about to move!!
Sunny San Diego is about to be my new home, and I confess … as excited as I am for my new beginning, I have been in denial.
I’ve been busy—busy doing all the things required for a big, life-changing move. I’ve been so caught up in getting everything in order, that I haven’t been able to just BE with the fact that this is a TOTAL life change.
So all of the sudden, today during my yoga class, the instructor (who I LOVE) announced to the class that I’m moving. And they clapped! That’s when it hit me …
Oh my God … I’m actually moving! I’m about to walk into a brand-new CREATED life!!
An entire era is coming to completion, and a whole new era is coming to fruition.
There is definitely a bittersweet aspect to leaving Dallas behind.
I started my career here in 2003, when God brought me here. The reality is that I chose this life by default, really. I made it work.
But I also became an entrepreneur here, when I realized I no longer had to make anything work, because I could have it work for me. I made my first million—actually, my first five million!—here. I defined my tribe here. I wrote my first bestseller here.
I fell in love here. The season I had with former wife taught me grace. She taught me grace. I didn’t know grace until that ten years of love.
I got my courage here. I got brave here.
And I know I got my job done here. I did everything I was supposed to do in this chapter. And I believe in my heart of hearts, I’ve left things, people, circumstances, and institutions better because I loved them. That’s really all someone can hope to do in a lifetime, I think. To lead. To do our absolute best.
I’m not saying it’s been perfect. I [email protected] up more than not! I’m the biggest sinner in the bunch! But I’ve done good in Dallas, y’all. I have no regrets. I have played full out. I have fallen, but I have also gotten back up. I thank God for my failures and my mistakes, because they brought me clarity about what I’m really about … what I’m committed to … and what I want to use my life for. And I am proud of who I am—and who I have become—in Dallas!
Now, God is sending me to San Diego. San Diego feeds me. And I know I can reach more people there, because I can feel the support that is there for me and my genius.
Hell yes, I’m nervous. I mean, it would be silly for me to say I’m not. Or even a little bit scared. #realtalk: slightly petrified, even.
But I trust me.
I know that I have enough self-efficacy to handle it. I CAN do this!!
And I know I’m not alone. There are people who love me, and even if they don’t love me, they respect me. They’ll help me. They’ll help me start over (all over!) again.
THIS IS MY NEW BEGINNING!
And I know I’m ready for it, because I am complete.
That is SO key; you cannot create until you’re complete. If you have sh*t that’s unfinished business, or if you have regrets, or if you’re holding onto something, you can’t move forward. You just can’t. You have to finish. You have to make it complete. You have to end it, so you can begin again.
And that’s exactly what I’m about to do—begin again! Dream again! Believe again! Hope again!
It hasn’t been easy, getting to this place. I know more now. I’m more healed now. I’m more whole now. Don’t get me wrong—I am NOT all the way healed. I don’t think anyone ever is. I also don’t think that’s the point.
I think that God, or whatever entity you identify with, chooses us and uses us for something bigger than us. And if you can remember that, you won’t be so afraid.
I’ve won a lot, yes. But I’ve lost a lot, too. It’s easy for people to only see the wins. They don’t account for the losses. But the losses have been humongous. Titanic. And they’ve cost me so much.
But yesterday, I was listening to somebody I respect very much. A really, really brilliant man. And he said something that just changed my whole world view. I’m talking f*cked me up in the best possible way.
“Your destiny has a price. Pay the f*cking price.”
That price is very seldom money. But there definitely is a price. A price for the walk. A price for the cross. A price for the mission. There is a f*cking price for the purpose.
I believe with every ounce of blood in my body that I have a destiny.
I believe that God, for whatever reason, chose to keep me alive. He chose to train me on the streets. He put me on the f$cking streets to train me. To train me like a Jedi, like a soldier, like a damn Olympic athlete.
And I believe that everything in my life up until now has been training me for this new season, in which I have my own voice. My own power. My own money.
All on my own terms.
I can’t blame anybody, anymore. I can’t hide behind a spouse. I can’t be a victim to my mother, or my father, or my race, or my gender, or my background, or to being poor. He took all that shit. God said, “F*ck that.” (Sometimes I think God is a gangster—y’all know how me and God roll…#mygodisgangsta.)
I think God built me up by tearing me down, so that I would know I’m nothing without Him. And I don’t mean that in a bad way.
I’m the best me when I’m me: when I don’t use other things as a crutch. Not people, not money, not clothes, not cars. And all of those things count, so please don’t think I’m disavowing my life.
But now, I get the opportunity to take care of me instead of trying to make somebody else take care of me. I get to love me instead of trying to make somebody else love me. I get to accept me instead of trying to get other people to accept me. I get to approve of me instead of hoping someone else will.
Because it’s not theirs to do. It’s mine. It’s not yours to do. It’s mine.
I’m saying that I was born for this. I was bred for this. I may not know exactly what it’s going to be, but I know it’s going to be exquisite.
And I know that I’m ready.
I know that I AM enough.