I awakened to my divine feminine through an unexpected contact while travelling in South America.
To set the scene, I was an emotionally shutdown person. I was closed off. I felt numb inside, but to me it was ‘normal’. I didn’t know why I was that way, it was just how I had always been (now I know it was as a result of a childhood trauma). As far as I knew, everyone felt the same inside, but they were just better at ‘acting’ out different emotions than I was.
Following an inner call, I quit my job and travelled to South America. Before I left on this trip, a friend of mine had told me about ‘Ayahuasca’ (an indigenous plant medicine from those parts) that he came across when he travelled there a few years previous. It sounded absolutely ‘insane’ and something I told myself I would not be partaking in for sure, whether ‘she’ found me or not (they say Ayahuasca finds you, you don’t look for her).
Long story short, a few months into my trip ‘Mama Aya’ found me in Cusco, Peru and was calling me strongly. I joined a ceremony, and besides feeling horrendously uncomfortable in my body the whole night, I thought it was pretty useless and off I went. I had met so many people on my trip up until that point who had encountered ‘Mama Aya’ and they spoke about what a life-changing experience it was. I felt nothing of that sort, so I assumed that I was already enlightened (LOL…hello ego)!
Fast-forward to the very next day after the ceremony, I met a guy who was volunteering at the hostel I had decided to volunteer at for 2 weeks (which turned out to be 6 weeks!). He was the first of the other volunteers I spoke too. He was Mexican. I had lived previously in México for a while in 2006 so I was excited to speak to him about that. He seemed friendly, a little cold and closed off, but grand. (I later learned he was very hungover and about to start work hence he seemed a bit off!).
Anyway we became friends. He intrigued me as I could see something different with him. He had an incredible soul, but he was also caught in lots of human drama and issues, and he was a total player. I didn’t understand him, but I was curious. It was like I could see two sides to him, but also his struggle between the two (not Jekyll & Hyde, it was something much more subtle but I couldn’t put my finger on it). I admit though, I fell for his charm, hook, line and sinker. But after a brief departure from the hostel, on my return, I no longer fell for it. I let other women throw themselves at him, and kept my distance. I admit, it was hard to watch, as despite it all, I had grown fond of him, but also for the first time in my life, I truly began to value myself and knew I deserved more so I was his friend and removed myself from anything more (some Mama Aya awakenings starting to merge…but I didn’t realise it just yet!).
When it was time for me to leave the hostel and continue on my travels, he said he wanted to come with me, make the journey together from Cusco, Peru, to La Paz, Bolivia. There he planned to do another volunteer stint in the same hostel chain as we were in in Cusco. Fine, I said, let’s go. I was delighted of the company and not having to travel alone for a bit (I had been travelling a few months on my own at that stage). That was our plan, the Universe had another plan. On waiting for the night bus from Cusco, his small backpack with his passport, wallet, iPad, documents, bank cards etc was robbed. We went nowhere that night. And what we had planned as a few days trip making our way to La Paz, somehow turned into over 4 months around Bolivia, Chile, Argentina & Brasil. We went on separate trips a couple of times throughput this time, but always met back up again.
And it was our time spent in Rio de Janeiro (over 2 months) that I started connecting more to my divine feminine energy (again not that I knew this is what was happening at the time). As mentioned previously I was cut off and shutdown from my ’emotional, receptive’ side (my feminine energy). I was more comfortable in my masculine energy (controlling everything & doing it all myself). This guy was like a breath of fresh air, but it was awkward for me at first. He did so much for me, and was so happy do those things. He would carry all the equipment to the beach, he would open doors for me, share whatever he had with me (making sure I had the first & last bit), he would always carry my phone, lip balm or wallet without complaining, he would bring me water, walk on the outside of me to protect me, he calmed me instantly when I went into panic mode, and much more. Perhaps these may seem pretty normal for most people, but all these tiny details were so strange for me at first. There were these, and also something else much more profound that I can’t quite explain. It was not something I had really experienced before to that level; and I was not good at ‘receiving’, so most of the time I was ‘rejecting’ his masculinity by trying to take things from him & carry them myself, do everything myself, tell him there was no need to do X, Y or Z. It was weird for me, but at the same time I felt so safe, protected and genuinely cared for (probably for the first time in my life!).
I don’t know when the ‘A-ha’ moment dropped in for me exactly, but it was long after I had left Brasil and returned home. Most of the time while with him, I felt awkward, but I allowed it as there was also something much more beautiful happening for me internally. I liked being taken care of in these ways. Deep down, it felt really good to be receptive to these acts of kindness. I forced myself to hold back from jumping into my overly-independent default of ‘doing it all myself’. It took some effort. Slowly but surely I learnt to let go of that need to ‘control’ and I free fell into receptive mode. What had happened I (eventually!) realised, was that I had awakened to my divine feminine energy that had been completely suppressed for years. It never felt ‘safe’ for me to be in that energy, but with his ways, he allowed me to bloom. And for this I will be forever grateful to him.
So what had ‘Mama Ayahuasca’ to do with this story? In one sense everything, because unbeknownst to me she had actually provided me with many gifts from that ceremony with her. She opened me up and allowed me to see patterns I was holding within myself. She helped me connect to the feeling of compassion, and she ‘softened’ me to be able to allow this guy to be in my space (the old me would have been totally shut off to him and held such a high sense of ‘self-righteous). She heightened my curiosity so I could be with what was happening, even though it felt so alien to me, and she also enabled me to see the divine perfection of it all.
So why isn’t this story just about ‘Ayahuasca’ I hear you say? Because I truly believe and know, that without this guy crossing my path, I wouldn’t have fully comprehended the lessons. Ayahuasca is a tool, not a remedy. He was crucial in the unfolding of it all. From him, my greatest learnings and revelations happened (not during the ceremony). He was my greatest teacher and mirror, who helped me see so much within myself that I was completely blind too. He was ultimately the most vital person on my path thus far in helping me, reconnect to me. And the thing is, this was (for the most part) totally unconscious to him. I don’t think he will ever realise the profound effect he had on me (even though I have shared with him, but words are so limited!). It was all divinely guided, and I can only hope and pray that he grew in some profound way also.