The Grief Of This Moment

Accepting the end of life as we knew it.

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I pride myself on being a positive person. But sometimes blindly addicted to my rose coloured glasses.
Recently, as the reality of the pandemic set in, a sense of dread descended on me.

It felt like a black ooze seeping under the cracks of the doors of my safe house of positive reality.
I began to feel the collective fear of humanity as my wife returned from the grocery store, reporting how disturbed she was at the empty shelves she encountered there.

I started feeling the fear, but still sidestepping that raging bull like a calm and centered matador.
Eventually, though, I was grazed by it’s sharp horn. Confronted by it’s bulging eyes and flaring nostrils. The virus had penetrated my positive immunity and I was getting sick. I’d been infected. By fear.

The instinct to fight set in. I increased my meditation, exercise and positive input and output on social media, throwing every possible remedy at the rising infection including a few extra cocktails at night. However, inevitably I succumbed.

I could feel the weight of the collective fear, panic, and helplessness of humanity pressing against my chest and scrambling my thoughts. I used the transformative tools that I have learned as a professional coach and began to process myself, knowing that this fear was simply an aspect of myself. A negative emotional block that I had allowed to be built in my usual placid landscape of consciousness.

I began a conversation with this virus, separating my usual peacefulness from this aspect that had imposed itself on me. What did it want from me? What intention did it have for me with this manifestation?

The message came through loud and clear. Grief. The death of life as it used to be.

It hit me hard. I felt it deep in my being. I allowed myself to dive into it. To become one with it.

As a musician and songwriter, I channel many of these deep experiences and transform them through creativity.

I was guided to look at a song I’d recently published about releasing a burden. A song I had written when I came to the painful realization that my first marriage was over. I started to strip away production from the recording until all that was left was the vocal and keyboard track.

Suddenly there it was. The need to really experience the grief of death, of life as we know it. I now had no choice now but to face it. Fully. Without limits. The only other option was to keep fighting, but that was making me sick. Causing dis-ease, that even those few extra cocktails at night couldn’t soothe.

My neighbour across the street, an accomplished photographer, had been reaching out and we’d been sharing some time online discussing all of this…my grief, his depression. We agreed to a socially distanced photo session to capture this moment in order to cleanse ourselves of this metastasizing situation we were both facing, through an artistic co-creation.

What has been reflected back to me was at first dark and disturbing. Eventually, as I watched it over and over, it became empowering. I realize now that by allowing myself to feel the grief completely, without restriction, I am free of it. I fully accept this new reality and now a beautiful new day has dawned. Now all I can see is the hope and opportunity that exist in this pandemic, and what might be possible after it has passed. Yes, I can still experience the grief, but it no longer has power over me. It is no longer part of me. I’ve let it go.

I encourage you to do the same.
You can view the Burden short film here:

Tim Steinruck is a certified Accelerated Evolution coach and singer of the hard rock band TheMightyOne
Albert Normandin is a multifaceted photographer

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