Human beings are hardwired for connection and intimacy. We don’t just crave it, we need it! From the earliest days of childhood right through ‘til we’re adults, it’s an essential ingredient if we want to flourish. And on the flip side, when we don’t get it, we can feel a little off… which is when the cracks in relationships can start to show.
Over the years, I have loved deepening my connection with myself and researching the divine polarity between the masculine and feminine so that I can understand and experience authentic relationships in all areas of my life.
I have read countless books on relationships (and even wrote my own Open Wide) and find it fascinating that the deeper I understand myself, the deeper I understand others. Which is why I am so excited to share this article with you today.
A while ago, my husband and I read Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages and we took his Love Language Quiz. We were blown away at the difference understanding (and honouring) our love languages made to our relationship.
In fact, I was so blown away by how powerful these insights were, that I started applying them to all the different relationships in my life — like with my friends, my team members, my parents, and my bonus son… It’s safe to say that the quality of all my relationships has been radically improved by reading this book and understanding the love languages of the people around me.
Of course, the biggest relationship shifts and aha’s come when you combine deep self-knowledge with a curiosity and respect for others. It’s not enough to just figure out your own love language, then tell your partner and expect them to change (and for your relationship to magically become hunky-dory). Truly divine connections come when we do our best to honour and understand both our own love language and that of our partner — it’s a two-way street; a divine dance. That’s the key to rocking relationships. It will help you understand yourself and them better, as you will be able to see their needs and desires more effectively and hence experience a more harmonious bond.
Understanding your own love language AND the language of those around you is key for rocking relationships.
After reading this book, I was also reminded of the importance and potency of understanding that everyone is on a different operating system — no one is right or wrong, we’re all just different. I might be on IOS Pink and you may be on IOS Yellow, but no one is better than the other. We’re all just…. different!
When you remember that everyone is on a different operating system, together with understanding your own love language, you can communicate this clearly with your loved ones and experience divine interactions. It’s an amazing way to upgrade your relationships and live a life bursting with love.
So what are the 5 love languages? Here’s a brief overview…
Words of Affirmation
This person loves hearing you say how much you love them: You’re amazing, I love you, thank you so much for helping me out, do you know how much I appreciate you, I am so grateful for you etc. Usually someone who has grown up in a house where words of affirmation were prolific will have this as their top love language.
Acts of Service
This person loves when their partner does thoughtful things for them. It can be anything — making dinner so that your love can take a bath, or picking up the kids from school so they can take some time for themselves, even just bringing them a cup of tea while they’re working. These acts of service really hit home for the person who values this. This person may have grown up in an environment where their parents didn’t do everything for them, so when they did it meant the world to them and they really honoured, valued and cherished those gestures.
Receiving and Giving Gifts
This person really values giving and receiving gifts. Maybe this person grew up in an environment where a lot of value was placed on gifts. This type of person loves not only receiving but also giving tokens of love. This person loves when their partner rocks up at the end of the day with a red rose from the garden, or a bouquet of fresh herbs, or a ‘special something’ just because. It’s not about the expense of the gift (in fact, it doesn’t matter what the gift is — after all, everything is energy). So as long as there is an energetic exchange, this person will be over the moon.
Physical Touch
This person will usually have grown up in an environment where they were hugged, kissed, and cuddled a lot. As a child they may have had a lot of ‘skin on skin’ time with their mama and hence their desire for touch as an adult. This is my number one love language. Growing up, I remember sitting on my dad’s lap whilst we watched TV. I remember him hugging us and always telling us how much he loved us. Hence my strong desire for physical touch now. My soul-sisters will tell you I am a very ‘touchy’ person. I love it! I love having my back tickled, getting a massage, giving a bear hug, or having my hair played with. I am like this with my husband and bonus son also. I love touch and now that my husband knows and understands this, he can act accordingly (just as I do for him) without expectation of course.
Quality Time
This person may have grown up in an environment where their parents worked a lot so they didn’t get loads of time together, but when they did they really treasured it. This person loves it when their partner says, Honey I am leaving work early so I can take you out to dinner, or, Honey I have cleared our Saturday afternoon so I can take you on a picnic — just the two of us, or, Honey let’s put away our phones and computers tonight and jump in the bath together.
Pretty interesting stuff, huh?! Most of us are a mixture of all of these different types, but we have a few dominant languages.
So, do you want to know my top love languages? In order, they are:
- Physical Touch
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
- Quality Time
- Receiving and Giving Gifts
Want to know something crazy (but actually not so crazy)? My husband and I have the exact same love languages. We both value touch as our number one, then words of affirmation, acts of service, followed by quality time and receiving gifts. When we both took the test we looked at each other and said, ‘Of course’.
I wrote our love language on our bathroom mirror so we can be reminded of them daily. It’s easy to read the book, take the test, and feel inspired for 10 seconds, but real lasting change happens when you take consistent inspired action daily. It happens when you put in the steps every single day.