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Stop the carousel and walk away

One Mother's story of how she kept herself on the carousel of trauma.

Today marks a very special day in my life. I made 6 years living in the beautiful, sunshine state of Florida. Why is it so special? How did I end up here? For the people who do not know me, I was born and raised in the Boogie down Bronx, NY.

No, I do not live in the city. That’s manhattan. The Bronx is a very special borough, with lots of culture, nationalities and well to be honest, LOTS of crime lol. About 6 years ago, I was still living in the bronx raising my two child with a man I grew fed up with and desperate to leave.

Because like most women with daddy issues, I picked someone totally wrong and toxic for me, which in result created the most TOXIC relationship and environment for not only myself but the two children we made.

I spent years trying to make “Fetch happen”, as Gretchen Wilson from mean girls would say. Like many mothers,  I stayed because I wanted the family I created. No matter how much shit happened.  No matter how many bombs were dropped in our relationship, or lonely I truly was, I refused to let the idea of “my family” go.  I created two little babies with someone I loved that did not love or treat me the way I deserved. But that’s another blog post 🙂

So as I sit here reflecting over my life and the choices I have made, I realized I left NY because I was tired of the endless carousel of patterns. I wanted it to stop. I wanted to be free from the chains I felt were holding me down. 

But I was holding myself down. I was keeping myself stuck. I was continuing the patterns, even after moving down South. I was still being toxic and harmful to myself because I was staying on the carousel of pain/grief/shame and limiting beliefs that was instilled in me.

I didn’t have the same clowns in this circus but it was all I have ever known since childhood. It’s only with having my children, did I realize how deeply rooted my patterns were. If I wanted to stop the carousel, I needed to walk off.  I needed to leave the environment that was continuing my victim triangle. I needed to take a hard look at myself, choices and patterns.

If I had not left, I do not know what would have become of me. Would I have survived? And by survive, I mean continue to push on caring for two little humans I created. Because what no one knew was I had a terrible and shameful case of postpartum, that I did not even know I had myself until almost a year later.

So many incidents and moments were clear, huge red flags of postpartum but I just shrugged it off, swallowed it down and pushed forward for my children. There was an incident in particular that stands out that I clearly needed to get help.  My daughter was only a month old and I was dealt another blow from my children’s father. The family I was trying miserably to hold onto was sinking faster and faster like quicksand.

As I sat there, with the situation I have created, I honestly thought life would be better if the pain just stopped. Because the pain was so deep rooted in my bones. Everyday, I woke up in the circus and was riding the carousel, with no intention of getting off because I felt frozen. I thought if I just ended my life now, all these emotions, all this deep rooted pain would just stop and it would be sweet relief of peace.

But I looked at my babies and knew I could not leave them. I had to be stronger than this. I AM stronger than the feelings I was going through. They needed me and shit, I needed them too! And slowly, I realized, there were no chains. It was the belief, that my life would always be hard. That my life would always be filled with sadness, grief, shame and endless doubt of my self worth.

But once I came up for air, once I felt the peak of sunshine, I realized my life never has to be this way. It never has to be as hard as I continuously make it. I do not need to constantly feel suffocated, drained, or sad. 

I realized, I have to heal my own trauma. I have to begin the healing. Which is honestly harder than everyone admits. There are days, when healing feels worse than the trauma I experienced. I have cried and screamed more in healing my trauma than when I went through it.  I did this because I finally let myself experience the feelings head on. Going through the emotions and taking the steps to move on from it.

​It feels like an endless cycle that will never get better. But once I began to heal my trauma, that has suffocated me and become my identity my whole life,  I started to see and find pieces of my true self. The person buried underneath.

You see, I began to breathe in and accept the healing that is always available to me. It’s available to everyone. You don’t need to always see a therapist especially if money is an issue.

I am a single mother with two kids, who are in activities, have rent and bills to pay, so I totally understand the money issue. But there is beauty and healing in journaling, reaching out, taking a walk, and even yes doing yoga or mediating. Sit with yourself and be truly honest about your life. 

You just need to take small steps that become bigger steps. Peel away all the layers you have built around yourself. These layers you built, were for protection. Because without the layers, who are you really without this identify of trauma?

Once the layers are unfolding, you begin to understand that healing will always outweigh the trauma you have experienced. Healing is what we will need to step out from the darkness and experience life without trauma being the forefront. We all are more than our trauma. We are worthy. We are loved. We are amazing. And it is time to take the steps to see our true self. We ARE NOT defined by our trauma. 

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