…and by “you’re going to be”, I mean “I’m going to be”.
I’ve never actually been told that I’m “too much”… not directly. I get a lot of, “Well of course *you* can pull that off but I could never.” Which can be interpreted as a backhanded compliment. I choose to believe it’s just a compliment because it suits my ego more kindly.
My coach Cici and I both went through the same coaching program so we speak the same language. The other day we walked through an exercise that I hadn’t thought about for months. The exercise is about changing perspective and viewing an experience or an issue through a new lens. My issue this day was how to get unstuck… specifically regarding moving forward with my own coaching practice.
When prompted to visualize the place I feel the most free, open and relaxed I picture the beach. But not just any beach… it has to be wide open and stretch on in either direction for as far as I can see. You know those little private beaches with dunes and rocks around you so that it’s closed in and protected? Yeah, not that beach. Those beaches are like a tease to me. Like, “Oh girl, you thought so. Nope.” So viewing my issue of being stuck through the lens of being on the wide open beach gives me the freedom to loosen expectations and restrictions on what my coaching practice “should” look like.
After this call I went on my daily pandemic walk. At two different points along the way, I stop my watch and my music and go off the paved path to the nature trails. I slow my pace and my breathing and think. I search for clarity and guidance on these trails. I allow myself a brief moment to let subjects pop in that I don’t really want to give that much of my time and energy to, like past romantic relationships.
Out in the woods, an unexpected analogy between the beaches and my last relationship came to mind. When I go into anything, I go in swinging for the fences. Whether it be relationships, work endeavors, friendships, etc. I’m all in. I want the big wide open beach of possibilities. I don’t want to play it safe… I want to live and love in the biggest way possible.
One day during our brief relationship, my ex and I went to a beach that he chose. It was small and closed in and exactly the type of beach that gives me that little tease of what it could be. It was nice but left me with a desire for MORE BEACH
The relationship ended as quickly as it started. I wanted more. He was the small, safe beach of safety and a promise of what could be. I was the big, wide-open, sometimes scary beach with a promise of who-the-hell-knows but let’s not let the “shoulds” and “should nots” get in the way. I realize I was asking the safe, nice beach to be something it couldn’t be. And that beach shut ALL the way down and posted huge “No Trespassing” signs everywhere. I still tried to sneak onto the beach, but got kicked out and eventually gave up.
I believe I was too much for him. Too much even though I was told I was just enough. After years of battling this idea that I’m “not enough” (feel like many women relate to this), I am 100% okay with just being “too much” for some people. I’m grateful for this and every other relationship I’ve had because each has led me closer to
I am grateful for every relationship I’ve had. Each has led me closer to being okay with being too much. Because I can certainly be a lot