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Relationships And Ups & Downs

Emotional Intelligence And Moving Things Forward

legs of couple standing facing each other with cat looking up at them

Rarely are partner relationships on a steady course upwards daily …

There’s a little scenario that every relationship goes through. That scenario will occur multiple times in its life-span, and sometimes even multiple times in a week. Hopefully, not in a day – as that could be too much.

Over time, all good relationships go through ups and downs. There are periods where the relationship feels more effortless and then periods where resistance is felt, and more intention is required.

In any given week or month or season, no relationship is just on a straight, upward trajectory.

We would all like it to be that way, and yet relationships tend to reflect more of a rise and fall energetically. They can even spike, then drop – spike, then drop – sort of a pattern.

In comparing this to business trends (where it’s easier to see , since we tend to track business statistically), there are trends. If you’re running a business or working for one, you know that you want that trend to reflect a nice upward statistic over time. You also know that if there’s a dip, a course-correction needs made. There’s a little dip, and course correct. Rinse and repeat.

What happens in business is that, over time with course-corrections. you see a trend emerge. Proper course correction results in an upward trend.

And so, how do you do that in a relationship? Honestly, it seems so artificial.

Aren’t great relationships supposed to just magically happen?

Well – in fairy tales they do, I suppose. In real life, they require “keeping a finger on the pulse” and making needed adjustments daily or weekly. The best relationships understand this and when they sense that the relationship’s energy is trending “down”, the correction is quietly made. It becomes a natural thing and doesn’t involve a bunch of drama or “acting out”.

If you’ve not yet figured this out, or if you don’t have the tools in your emotional toolbox to deal positively with a dip, you might be overreacting. Overreacting is what most of us do until we figure out that this is the natural course of most everything in life.

Expanding our emotional toolbox is essential to lasting, happy relationships, especially the one we share with our life-partner. With greater emotional intelligence, someone will step back and assess and then see where the correction is needed, instead of causing damage to the relationship.

With a higher emotional intelligence, you know that you are in control of your relationship. Yes, you as an individual are in control of your relationship. You are not in control of your partner. That is a different thing entirely. You are in control of the relationship, particularly your part of the relationship.

If your partner is going through a stressful time, if he or she is sidetracked with whatever is stressing them, they are not fully present. They are kind of “off” their game, so to speak. As you are the person they are most comfortable with, much of this will show itself at home when their “social guard” is down.

That’s a very real set of circumstances that anyone in a happy, long-term relationship has experienced. During times like those, you may feel like you have to row harder for the both of you. As a result, irritation can start showing up in you. You’re rowing the relationship boat, you’re in the boat together, and someone’s distracted so they’re not rowing in sync. They’re not rowing maybe at all, or it doesn’t seem that way.

If you’re a partner to someone, if you have partnered in a lifelong partner relationship (or if that’s your big picture), you’ve got to be that person’s help mate. You have to start to learn how to help him or her from the vantage point of the way that they naturally deal with things.

Some people naturally draw back and it can be hard to help them, because they turn inward. If this happens, we can start to take that personally, as if they are drawing back from us. Actually, it’s just their way of dealing with things. They deal with things through their own process, and that feels foreign to you.

When you’re in a relationship, obviously that gap can create some fallout. The other person may wonder why their partner is so withdrawn. Why are they mad at me? Why are they so irritated with me? And it starts this vicious circle of a downward spiral of negative emotions and even negative comments flying back and forth.

What do you do to reestablish the synchronicity or the feeling of more ease inside your communication?

Working from an intentional, personal mindset definitely helps a rough patch smooth over faster.

So that’s the quick answer to this. You just choose your own vibe. You accept that this is a stage of your relationship, reflecting what your partner is going through and not personal to you.

How do you choose your own vibe at times like these? It can come through taking a walk, bicycling, swimming, journaling, meditation, reading or listening to uplifting audio books – any and all of these things will bring a sense of YOU back in balance.

Remember, this is YOUR toolbox for YOUR own adjustment. It results in you not being so greatly impacted by whatever things that your partner is dealing with, when you realize that you’re out of sync.

What you’ll feel is that sense of personal alignment and calm which will immediately bring more harmony into your relationship – and it will just rise from there. Whatever is happening is personal to your partner – not personal to you. It involves you because it involves him or her – but it does not define your relationship unless you choose to let it .

Once you’ve applied this thinking and taken the proper action for you, the feeling will be quite incredible and not that hard to achieve. It’s just deciding and then acting in favor of the happy, healthy relationship you desire in your life.

The now of the present is the most important moment that any of us own.

Use it in your favor and your relationship will benefit.

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