Or How to Make Love With Your Partner Every Day for 37 Years.
“I’m not interested in working on a relationship, I am interested in a relationship that works.” — Dan Sullivan
We’ve all been there, in a loving relationship where things aren’t necessarily going the way that we’d like.
Whether we’re married, or a long-term romance…there are rough patches, hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and strong emotions when they’re not going as well as they should.
Well, this weekend I was able to listen to, take notes, and talk with the most loving, inspirational couple I’ve ever met. They are Neil and Hunter Moore, and they’re simply amazing.
They uncovered many profound relationship strategies that are easy to do, and can make a huge difference to you and your loved ones.
Neil and Hunter Moore, Relationship God and Goddess
First, a little background on these two. They met in their native Australia when they were both very young. They became a couple several years later.
They own a very successful music business together now, but it wasn’t always easy. Their life has been filled with financial upheaval, children, good and bad times — but through it all, their relationship has always thrived.
Hunter says about Neil, “I was 12 and he was 13 when we met, and just felt comfortable around him. I didn’t like boys, but I liked Neil.”
Although their romantic relationship hadn’t started, Hunter remembers she said to a friend one day that, “Neil Moore is the kind of man you want to marry.”
They’ve now been married for over 37 years, and they are as attached and giddy as teenagers with each other.
In fact — they make love EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
Their “like” for each other (we’ll talk about that soon) is palpable, it’s infectious, and just being around them, you’ll want that kind of relationship in your own life.
Luckily for all of us, they spoke and spilled their guts on exactly how that happens with them. It’s not just chemistry — in fact, they warned in their talk to “Beware of chemistry. Because chemistry doesn’t last.”
They did talk about the things that do last, however. They talked about how they keep that fire burning, and I was there to capture it all and deliver it to you. I wanted to document this love story, because there is so very much to learn from these two.
How to Make Love Every Single Day for 37 Years.
Neil explained that there’s a trinity of relationships. Each one is extremely important, and together they make a relationship phenomenal. They are LIKING each other, APPRECIATING each other, and being in ALIGNMENT.
LIKING EACH OTHER.
“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” — Friedrich Nietzsche
This is important.
Neil says that it’s even more important to LIKE your partner than to love them.
“If you’re going to be hanging out for a few decades, it’s important that you like the person you are with.”
You can work on being lovable, but just liking someone is the tougher part of the equation. To do it, and to help your partner like you, you have to bring your “A-Game.”
Neil went on to say, “She (or he) is worthy of your best.”
Something that I’d add here (being the author, I can do that) is that sometimes it’s easy to treat your partner worse than you would a stranger.
There can be too much familiarity there.
Just like you say things to yourself that you’d NEVER say to someone else — that can happen with your partner as well. So, be vigilant and really hear what you’re saying to the person who is most likely the most important person in your world (after yourself).
What can you do to like your partner more, and be more likeable? This is important enough to really consider that, and to do something about it.
APPRECIATING EACH OTHER.
Appreciation is important in every aspect of life, but especially your relationships.
When you appreciate something, or someone — you don’t find as many faults. The fact that they left their dishes out (again!) is insignificant to how much they love your children or the fact that they’ve forgone any other romantic relationships to be with YOU.
It’s truly a joy to love someone who you appreciate so much. Hunter says that she appreciates Neil, and that his spirit is a gift to the world. People just love to be around him (I can attest to that).
She says, “My job is to give him away. He doesn’t belong to me.”
Neil often takes her face into his hands, looks her in the eyes, and sincerely says, “I [email protected]!#ing love you. Thank you for this.” It only takes a minute to do something like this, but it’s nutrition for the soul.
You need to discipline the appreciation for each other. Revisit it in the relationship often. Talk to your loved one, and not just the “How are you? How was today?”
Truly appreciate them in your life. Neil says of Hunter, “It’s beautiful to see her authenticity. It’s a [email protected]!#ing privilege to be married to this angel on earth.”
- Work on your energy when you have to leave them for the day. The energy that you leave with will be the energy you have for them when you come home.
- Give them space, support, and just be there when needed.
- Forgive them. Neil says it’s an honor to do so.
- Think of how much you love and appreciate them every day. Hunter says that she gets to re-create her love for him every single day.
And it’s easy to do these when you take the time to appreciate them in your life.
BEING IN ALIGNMENT
“Anything can work if you’re aligned.”
The lines of communication have to be open to each other. That’s the daily cadence and talking, and it’s also scheduling time to talk about the big things in life. If you don’t schedule that time, then the tyranny of the mundane can take over and it can be weeks, months, or longer before you really connect with your partner.
To be in alignment, they say that you have to tell EVERYTHING. Their relationship can withstand any truth.
Schedule that time, and talk about your goals, your dreams, and your frustrations. Talk about what YOU need in the relationship. Think of what you want. Define it. Emotionally, spiritually, sexually, how you’d like to be treated.
Then, ASK for that.
It’s sometimes tough to do, and it’s being vulnerable — but you owe that to yourself and the relationship to do it.
“We accept the love we think we deserve.” — Stephen Chbosky.
This way, you and your loved one are aligned.
What to Do Now?
If these lessons have resonated with you, then one of the easiest things to do is to share this with your partner.
Talk with them about this and think of ways that you can like each other more, appreciate each other more, and ways that you can be more aligned.
Let them know that YOU are trying to be better and make the relationship even better — not that you’re trying to get them to change. It’s up to you to make this happn.
Here are some suggestions for each:
Liking Each Other More
- Actually SCHEDULE a regular date night. Just the two of you. No work, no stress — and make that time sacred. It’s some of the most important time you can invest.
- Consider reading “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, and take his quiz to see which love language you speak (Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, Physical Touch).
The important thing on this is to see how your PARTNER prefers love to be shown to them.
I am all about physical touch and words of affirmation, but I found out that my bride prefers quality time and acts of service. Now, I make sure that I’m giving those to her on a much more regular basis…and I’m pretty sure she likes me more now!
Appreciating Each Other
- Set up a “trigger” to remind you to appreciate your partner. I use the alarm on my iPhone that plays “our song” once a week now. When that trigger reminds you, close your eyes for a bit and think about the journey with your loved one. Where it started, the special moments, and all of the wonderful qualities they have. It’s amazing how fast you can recapture that magic when you do this.
- Write in your journal the things you appreciate about them. Do an exhaustive list. List out their traits, qualities, things they’ve done, and other things you love about them. You can get bonus points for sharing this with them (***Note: this sharing is not to “get” anything in return, it should be for the sole purpose of making them happy).
Being in Alignment
- Schedule a time to talk, get closer, and go deep on your relationship (honestly, just THAT is something that can be profound, but it’s just NEVER done). In that talk, do the “4 quadrants” goal session: fold a paper in half and then half again, to make 4 quadrants. On each quadrant, list Health, Relationships, Money, and Dreams. Then fill out where you’d like to be in the future, say the next year or three, together. Talk about it. See how you can help each other get there.
- Set up a daily “cadence.” That is a time every single day without fail, where you CONNECT with your partner. Go beyond the trivial — although it IS good to ask how the day was. Ask where you can protect and support each other. Ask what the biggest struggles and frustrations are with your loved one. And then help them when and where you can — even if it’s just to be a safe haven for them.
- As listed above, go over how each of you can make the relationship better. Define what you need and want, and have the courage to ask for it. By doing so, you’re giving your partner permission to ask for what they want in your relationship, too.
I just know if you take some of these ideas and actually SCHEDULE them, and put them to use, that your relationship will surely grow and become more spectacular.
They are easy to do suggestions, but my mentor always said that what’s easy to do is easy NOT to do.
So, share this with your loved one. Set your phone alarm for an appreciation session for your partner. Take the 5 Love Language test. Set up your date night (and add the ‘recurring’ to it) on your calendar. Schedule the alignment talk. Do these before the mundane buries the noble intentions.
But most importantly, show your partner they are loved.
P.S. If you liked this, can you give it some “claps,” please? It just makes me feel good.
Chip Franks teaches easy ways to improve life:
Resolve to do a kind act for another human being today.
Originally published at medium.com