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Raw & Real Series: Waiting for the Dragon

Right now, there are only questions. And I feel like I'm just here sitting in a corner...waiting for the dragon in me to BECOME me.

Happy comes home on Monday. #thankgod #lovemypuppy #cantwaittoseehim

I worry a little bit about being able to keep up with him while I recover. His energy is off the chain! But everything I do is better with him by my side.

Like our trip to San Diego.

Happy and I spent so much time at the beach. We walked for miles and miles together.

We LOVE walking. San Diego is a walking town—you can literally walk everywhere you need to go.

You want to go somewhere in Dallas, Texas, you get in a car.

It’s a different lifestyle completely.

In a recent post, I talked about how I’m not even sure what I like or want anymore.

But in thinking about this trip with Happy, I remember some of the things I truly enjoy:

Walking. The beach. Rollerblading. Skating. Dancing. Biking. Hiking.

So why the f*$% am I living in a space that caters to none of that?

I have been here for 16 years.

And I’m just now realizing that I have built my whole life in a location I didn’t choose.

I live here because I got a job here.

I don’t love Dallas. I don’t dislike it, either, but I didn’t choose it.

I made my life fit into the confines of my job.

Nothing here feeds my spirit.

I’ve made it work. I didn’t stop to make sure I like it here. I didn’t check to make sure it pleases me. I wasn’t worried about it forwarding me, in this life.

I am 47 years old.

And when I take a step back to look at my life, I’m disappointed with it.

It’s hard to explain. (Walk with me?)

It’s not a bad life.

It’s reactionary.

Again, I came to Dallas for the job. But it’s ugly. Flat. The opposite of lush. It’s just a whole different thing.

And I stayed because of the job, and because I was in love. I got busy doing life.

But I didn’t choose it. Can you feel that?

I fell into it. And I’ve LEARNED to love it, yes—but I didn’t choose it.

So effectively, I did not choose my own destination.

And I’m pretty sure that’s because I didn’t have the confidence in ME that I would have needed to create the life I wanted first … and fit a job into IT.

These are the thoughts that keep me awake at 3:00 am right now.

And the question becomes …

What do I do now?

Do I have everything I need inside of me to choose a new destination?

To stop being disappointed … and start being truly fulfilled?

What might that look like for me?

Right now, there are only questions.

And I feel like I’m just here sitting in a corner … waiting for the dragon in me to BECOME me.

Venus Opal

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