Whether it’s holistic herbal medicine, candle magick, spiritual baths, sigils, sex magick, or chanting verbal spells and rhymes — no matter the intention, energy, willpower, or how much hocus-pocus focus you put into it, sometimes the shit just doesn’t work. Other times you can direct your consciousness to the center of the earth, then back up to the sky, activating your root, sacral, solar plexus, heart, throat, third eye, and crown chakras all the way up into the ether, visualizing each desire, feeling exactly how you’d like to feel having whatever it is being manifested. You are in a complete state of love & gratitude and an hour later the universe responds by bringing that vision into physical manifestation. . . .and yes, this has happened to me, and almost instantly!
It’s almost as if sometimes you can be so “in the flow” that synchronicity and serendipity are almost automated and then there are other times where you feel like you’re stuck in quick sand or feeling a bit like Alice in Wonderland repeating the same cycles over and over and again and again and again. There have been times when I felt like banging my head against a brick wall in frustration, all cried and dried out because there couldn’t possibly be anymore tears left. This continuous hamster wheel cycle of ups and downs — highs and lows, feeling happy and elated and then down and out, had pretty much been a constant my entire life. A bi-polar-like-state because I’d go from high to low in the ebbs and flows where I’d be super duper high energy and happy go lucky and then mad and sad for no reason or angry at the world not even realizing it was happening.
Don’t get me wrong; for the past 18 years of my life, I have been conscious of that pattern and had began to master and control it — as if I’ve finally found my center (almost). After I had my first aha moment at the age of 22, I wanted to know what and who I was; why I behaved the way I did and what made me do the wild things I used to do when my emotions ran high and I’d loose all sight of logic and reason. I needed to understand life and how living in this universe worked because something deep down told me that it wasn’t supposed to be as difficult as it had been for me and that I should always be happy — not just sometimes. This began my journey of transformation and put me on the path to spirituality, which (in my opinion), is a lifetime journey and learning experience. . . .but until I had this most recent breakthrough, I continued to find myself like Alice, spiraling down that damn rabbit hole and with each instance, I’d discover some hidden facet or unknown truth about myself . My bullshit situations would cause me to re-visit memories of a troubled childhood, traumas and events that had formed my psyche and shaped my unconscious “shadow” self. These visions and beliefs that would later play out as emotions and behaviors that would have others deem me as a weirdo, off the hook, gifted, different, special, eclectic, or even batshit crazy.
Many people go through life unaware and in a zombie-like state. They become drones, robots or characters in The Matrix. They get into routines and very caught up in people-pleasing, just living day to day without ever feeling joy. A lot of the people who do get to experience peace, love, and joy need religion to usher them to that vibe. Then there are the thinkers, the philosophers, the scientists, the outcasts, the misfits, the rebels — the ones who want to understand the why and how of it all. If we aren’t too deeply programmed, we’ll eventually wake up from the illusive dream state once we start to research and expand our consciousness and with this comes the understanding that the outside is just a reflection of what’s inside.
Going inside requires us to start to peel back our own layers. Just like the layers of the onion, our shit usually starts out very shallow and probably a bit flakey. A little hard and rough but easy to get through — we can shake the outermost layers off without even really trying. As we go a little deeper the layers get a little thicker and the tears begin to well up a little, starting to cut into our subconscious. We begin to really dig into the things that hurt. We start to bring up the past pains and scars that have yet to be healed. To get to the place where the magick happens, we gotta get deep. We need to get to the core; to the place where the tears burn and are unstoppable because the wounds are still open and still fresh there. We have a weird way of getting back to this place. We create and attract the same cycles, to repeat but on a different level, of course, until we can heal and the true healing has to happen at the core. It doesn’t occur on shallow surfaces. For some reason, life isn’t designed that way.
Well, actually, it’s not just coincidence or by chance. It’s very strategic. Most of our programs, constructs, and paradigms — unless you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth and from a different class of people who I like to consider the 1% — taught us certain values and mindsets that went something like:
no pain-no gain, a hard head makes a soft behind, anything worth having is worth fighting for, more money-more problems, money is the root of all evil, hard work pays off, don’t question adults — stay in a child’s place, money doesn’t grow on trees, before the reward — there must be labor, get rich or die trying, it’s me against the world, everything you get you have to work hard for it, hard work beats talent, love is blind, relationships are hard work, gotta rob Peter to pay Paul, don’t let the right hand know what the left hand is doing, don’t be selfish, color in the lines, you have to do well in school to be successful, your grades determine your worth, etc. (I’m sure you can name a few more without thinking very hard)
So in a nutshell, we’re constantly fed/taught a whole bunch of self-limiting beliefs that we then perpetuate, or feed into and then wonder why we’re trapped in a rat race or a never-ending maze going nowhere fast. Most of us, deep thinkers, have discovered that thoughts become things. But in contrast, we’ve learned from young ages that we would have to work very hard to make anything worthwhile happen, we’d have to struggle to become rich, wanting money is bad, to do whatever adults tell us to do, not to think outside of the “norm,” not to be brutally honest for the sake of others, and that in order to have anything rewarding, it would be very difficult and extremely challenging. These beliefs become our realities. They are mostly self-limiting subconscious thoughts layered on top of and in between whatever fucked up painful experiences we had to endure as children being raised in dysfunctional households, poverty, or by parents who were also programmed with the same adverse beliefs.
Our families then become plagued with these belief systems passing down “generational curses” while the 1% are passing down generational wealth. Unfortunately, therapy is not an affordable or viable option to us (most of the time) so we have no practical way of healing our shit other than praying to some “being” outside of ourselves when all the real healing that needs to be done — usually along with the ALL of the answers — are within. Which brings us back to the root of the problems and the pungent, center of the onion — the painful, character-building experiences that most people would rather just graze over because who the hell wants to revisit that awful place to smell that funk, feel the burn, and re-live the hurt? The shit does not, I repeat, DOES NOT, feel good.
In all actuality, if we can get back to that hurt and those awful traumatic experiences and identify the source, we can reprogram ourselves to embrace everything we’ve been taught to label as bad, and once we’re able to do that we can begin the healing process. Once we are healed, we become even more powerful. We can align with the source/creation energy and begin to manipulate and manifest all that we truly desire. Most of our blocks are mental and the only thing standing in our way is us.
It’s our belief systems that stop us from reaching our true potential as Master Alchemists/Magicians/Energy Manipulators. These blocks prevent us from acknowledging the fact that we embody greatness, awesomeness, and are complete. We’ve been holding on to beliefs for far too long that are simply not true — beliefs that tell us we have bad, unacceptable parts of ourselves that we should be ashamed of. Then, because we think they’re true, we keep ourselves from reaching our highest state and from being in total alignment with the universe (or God) but that’s exactly where we need get, be, and STAY so we can create. It’s that place where we tap into the source power of abundance, of creativity, of limitless potential — the place where all possibility exists.
Not too long ago (ok — two days ago) I had a breakthrough and it has brought everything full circle for me. I’ve recently endured a number of painful experiences and tragedies on every plane — physical, material, mental, emotional and financial — trying to knock me off course. I know that I’m still growing, transforming, and continuing to evolve because every time I get knocked down, I level up and access a bit more of my power.
These experiences have caused me to embrace my shadow self completely. They have also been eye-opening because in true “aha” fashion, I realized a major block for me was the total acceptance of myself. My good and what I believed was my bad. I have finally reached a place of self-love that I have struggled with for so long and I now feel completely liberated accepting ALL of me-every single detail. I can no longer accept anyone in my life who is not in accord with unconditional love and acceptance or who’s not on the path of trying to better themselves. . .and it’s not that I do not “accept” anyone (because obviously, they don’t need me to accept them just like I don’t need anyone’s acceptance) but the way the universe is set up, if we’re not on the same frequency — or we ain’t on the same “vibe”, they will go (or will be removed) from my life.
On the flip side, if I’m ever in a situation and don’t like how I feel and I’m not completely happy or comfortable, I’ll remove myself. I have come to the realization that me being in a great mental space is probably the most important trick or life hack that I know to make my magick work. If I’m angry, upset, sad, or mad, the universe isn’t gonna play my game, cooperate and my spells and magick don’t work; in order to create and manifest miracles, I need to stay in alignment and in tuned with the highest version of myself — tapped into my inner Goddess. When we know better, we do better so I will continue to honor myself and will demand that anyone who holds a space in my life do the same or POOF — Be Gone! I will not shut myself up, dumb down, or pretend to be anything to appease the insecurities of anyone else. If it does not serve me and my highest self, I want no parts of it. Some may call that selfish, but I know and understand that we need to honor and take care of our selves and maintain high vibes for our magick to be successful and effective and I’m not judging me so guess what? Neither can you (well you can if you choose, but do that over there while I stay over here being great).
I will no longer worry about what anyone thinks of me. I refuse to let anyone make me feel like I’m not worthy. I will no longer label my obstacles and adversities as bad traits or unwanted characteristics nor will I let them define me. I’ve grown to love myself, unconditionally. Now that I’m in love with myself — the light and the shadow, I am a more powerful alchemist. It is this self-love that is the key ingredient to successful and effective magick. Once we reach the state of being so happy and so in love with ourselves, despite what the rest of the world deems bad, ugly, wrong, or unworthy — the universe has no choice but to match our vibrational frequency by supplying us with more great experiences, great people, and great relationships.
That’s scientifically proven — quantum theory, a Universal Law known as the Law of Attraction. Add that key — the missing dimension — to your spell work and you are unstoppable! No more onions (unless they’re sauteed Vidalia onions), no more bullshit~no more judgment~everything is all good and it’s ALL LOVE!
I’m satisfied and grateful for it all. The bullshit that I’ve had to endure makes me an original, unique, incredible, fucking amazing, bad-ass spiritual, magickal wild woman who no longer questions my worth. I don’t need anyone to validate me. I’m aware and I can appreciate the fact that I struggled with self-love as a teenager and a young adult. I put up with mistreatment and abuse (mental, emotional, and physical) and ignored writing on the walls plenty of times in an attempt to gain the love of someone else. Somewhere in my subconscious, I didn’t believe I was worthy because I didn’t learn how to love or be loved the “right” way so I created a pattern of self-sabotage where I’d settle and find comfort in dysfunctional relationships. I now understand fully that I chose this life, these experiences, and my parents so I could become the best version of me. This was intentional and exactly how it needed to happen. I feel awesome. . . not because of anything or anyone outside of me but because I just released all the beliefs about myself that weren’t serving me and am fully embracing everything else about me that used to cause shame and embarrassment.
Once you truly love yourself — flaws and all, there is an indescribable sense of peace and joy. Liberation. I can truly say I have zero fucks to give and it feels absolutely amazing because it’s here that I’ve found and accessed the ultimate energy vortex that I needed to access to manifest my desires. I know that in this vortex, all things are possible. Authentically, undoubtedly, 100% free from bullshit, self-doubt, self-criticism, self-judgement, and worry. I’ve been waiting to exhale for a long time coming and I’m happy and proud to confirm that, yes, change surely does come.