It has been 6 weeks since I had that video call with mummy, didn’t realizing that it would be my last with her. For a child who never spent a single day without talking to mum at least once, it has been a hard 6 weeks full of doubt, anger, emotions and everything else that comes in between. Below are some of the changes that I have observed in my life for the past few weeks since my mother passed away.
History aficionado starts hating history – I have always been an aficionado of the history subject right from my school days. Any newspaper article related to a historical event of politics or sports would be the first one on my reading list. Until 6 weeks back, that is. Somehow, I don’t feel like reading or talking anything related to historical events now. Perhaps, because those talks get me back to a life stage where mum was deeply involved in whatever I did. I prefer doing things related to newer topics where I never interacted with mummy much.
The world seems so different and yet it is the same– 6 weeks doesn’t seem a long period in most cases. My office remains the same, the same work, same colleagues, same friends, same TV shows, same hangout places and yet my world couldn’t be more different. That difference comes from subtle changes like not able to discuss daily stuff with mum, not able to argue about random things and not having mum around who could easily sense the slightest of my mood downswing.
Finding my new normal– After 6 weeks, people start expecting you to move towards normalcy. My challenge has been to define that ‘normal’. Whatever I have been doing till now had an anchor in mum. With her passing away, the anchor has gone and I am left to finding a ‘new normal’ for myself. Whether that normal means writing a letter addressing to my mum whenever I crave talking to her or eating her favorite food item or incessantly thinking on how mum would behave in this scenario is all left for me to define on a blank board.
Life moves forward with a gaping hole of permanent loss– Life moves forward. Despite of how much my world has changed, it has moved forward. Read new blogs, binge watched new shows on Netflix, worked on newer projects, ate new dishes and did whatever it means to live a ‘normal’ life. Except, I never felt truly happy or sad doing any of those things. They felt like just another thing in life, a life that has made me soberer and accepting of things that are beyond human control.