Chasing your ex after a breakup doesn’t make them come back. It only pushes them farther away from you. Yet, people still succumb to the deed, thinking it will work — thinking their situation is “different.”
So they chase. They plead. They try everything in their might to entice, cajole or force their ex back into their life. And all is to no avail.
Chasing your ex after they dumped you is the equivalent of forcing a round peg in a square hole, like sliding your tummy across sandpaper, like pushing two magnets of the same pole together. In fact, it’s even worse than that. Chasing your ex undermines all your efforts of re-attracting them.
You may have actually raised their attraction by backing off for a few days at some point. Maybe they were even ready to message you… but then it happened. You commenced the chase. You sent them that they text in a moment of weakness. You called them your darkest hour. And just like that, you obliterated what’s left of their attraction.
To get your ex back, you first have to let them go. Stop chasing after them. Stop pursuing them. Go no-contact. Perhaps even on a social media cleanse. They dumped you, therefore rekindling things has to be their idea, and the bulk of the effort has to arise from their side.
I know this goes against the conventional wisdom, that is, that you have to fight for your ex, show them how much you’ve changed, or inspire them to come back. But, it’s the reality.
In fact, I would even argue that conventional wisdom is toxic. It implies that it’s right to fight for someone who gave you the boot. It implies that it’s right to put love above self-respect. It implies that there’s only one suitable partner for you.
This shit is all backward. It’s not healthy, it’s not sane, and it abso-fucking-lutely doesn’t lead to a bubbly reconciliation.
Look, I know every fiber in your body wants to call or text your ex, and I know every greedy guru keeps telling you to do it, but you have to resist.
- You can’t control the outcome of your relationship; you can’t control your ex.
- What feels good and like a necessity is not always good or a necessity.
- The gurus who tell you to reach out to your ex to get them back are fucking frauds, selling nothing but snake oil.
The obvious foe behind why you can’t stop chasing after your ex is the desire to get them back, but the whole idea goes way deeper. Let’s explore:
- You’re afraid your ex will forget you.
- You’re afraid you won’t find anyone better — someone who’s going to love you better than your ex, someone with who you’ll have a better relationship.
- You think your ex is special or “the one.”
- You’re afraid of the uncertainty Singledom transpires.
- You’re addicted to your ex and can’t stop missing, obsessing, and thinking about them.
You can probably see how none of these things have anything to do with your ex but everything to do with you.
- You’re afraid your ex will forget you because you don’t feel worthy of being memorable.
- You don’t believe you’ll find anyone better (or a more fulfilling relationship) because you think you’re unworthy of them.
- You think your ex is one of a kind because a) you probably haven’t been dating a lot, and b) because you don’t think you’re capable of finding someone better.
- You’re afraid of being single because you don’t believe you’re a worthy human being without having someone by your side.
- You’re addicted to your ex because you don’t have anything else going on in your life, no clear sense of purpose, no direction that inspires you.
These are the reasons you can’t find lasting love. These are the reasons your relationships fail. These are the reason you fail.
It all boils down to insecurities, fears, limiting beliefs, and intermittent or perpetual feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy.
Therefore to overcome your fears, resolve your shame, surmount your insecurities, and find a sense of purpose, you must participate in self-improvement.
There is no shortcut. No fancy step-by-step, proven process to save your ass. You’re on your own. And you have to participate in your own rescue. You have to rise out of the shit-stained waters encircling you. It’s either that or drowning in your own excrement.
Here’s another harsh reality. The reasons you think it’s a good idea to chase after your ex don’t matter. They have their own reasons why not returning your calls and texts is a valid and beneficial decision.
Your ex already fell out of love weeks, months, sometimes even years before they left. So they had enough time to forge pretty solid reasons why staying with you is a bad idea — ones that you can’t fight, let alone defeat, with your reasons for rekindling things.
Unsurprisingly, the more you force your desires for reconciliation onto your ex, the more they’ll cling on to their desires for staying light-years away from you. There’s even a chance that your obsessive chasing makes them fall into another relationship much faster than usual.
So, again, don’t chase, don’t beg, don’t pursue. Accept your loss. Work on yourself. Let your ex go to get them back.
Your space will conjure separation anxiety. Your silence will spark curiosity. Your new attitude will change the relational dynamic between the two of you to where you’ll have all the power.
From there on out, your ex just might just reach out. And when — or if — that happens, all you have to do is invite them on a date, show up, have fun and hook up. That’s the formula for success, considering you’ve done the self-improvement work on yourself.
However, always mind intentions. Don’t let go of your ex to make them anxious, curious, or so you’ll get the upper hand in the socio-dynamic power struggle. (I wouldn’t even say that this denotes letting go.)
Let your ex go because it helps you grow, and more often than not, leads to a radical and inspiring change in your development. A transformation so large your ex — or hopefully someone 10x better — couldn’t help but notice. That’s when they reach out. That’s when the magic happens.
Cover photo is by Grandfailure via 123RF.
Previously published on maxjancar.com.