If the separation happened suddenly for one of the partners, then most often he (she) lives this event according to the stages of accepting death (or mourning) according to specialists of onlinedivorcecalifornia.com, because divorce is also death, only a relationship.
STAGES OF BURNING
These stages are heard, even Dr. House from the popular show of the same name mentions them in one of the episodes. Their names are – Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. The first four stages are lived approximately in such a sequence, but there are also rollbacks back. After depression, people often again live anger, bargaining, denial.
The problem, apart from the separation itself, is that many are not able to realize what is happening with them. Therefore, before proceeding to the recommendations, let’s get acquainted with the sketches of each of the stages.
Negation. Someone in a pair of “as if” does not know that the relationship is not all right
The alarm bell sounded more than once in my head. There is something wrong with our relationship. And ask – no strength. Fearfully. Suddenly, the suspicions will be confirmed. And then you calm yourself – it seemed. And here those words have sounded – “we need to talk”. You freeze and hear: “I decided to leave.”
For hours and days you turn into a pillar of salt. Everything is seen as in a haze, and is heard at a distance, as if an echo in the handset. The world seemed to stop. Time stopped. What happened yesterday, today you do not remember. You want to feel something, and you can not.
This is the stage when protection works in our psyche. It’s like when in the apartment traffic jams are knocked out: you sit without light, but without ignition.
Anger. On myself and others
Then anger appears. It is he who is to blame for everything. How could he (she)? And next to the anger at the partner appears anger and at himself. How have I allowed this person into my life? How did you look at the problem? After all, things could be different. The surrounding people are annoying: “How can they rejoice when it hurts me so much!”
Bargain. Maybe wait? Maybe there is a chance?
From time to time dreams come – stupid and useless, that anything is possible. I believe that the relationship will improve, if I pay more attention / we have a child / eat from parents / spend more time together, etc. Or that he / she will return, because it cannot be that he (she) found another love. All this is a mistake, it is worth a bit to wait, and the loved one will return, everything will be fine.
Depression. General exhaustion, fatigue, heartache
Everything is already clear and there are no illusions, anger has also passed, there is no point in bargaining. And then she comes – depression. Ocean of heartache. Storms, storms, calm, ebbs and flows. Lack of soil under your feet. And not because you soar, but because you seem to be evicted from planet Earth. Thoughts are confused. No forces.
Life inside has stopped. And while it is impossible to get the heart out of your chest, throw it in the hope that the pain will stop. You do everything like a robot, on the machine. For each action takes more power than before.
HOW TO RETURN TO NORMAL LIFE
There are four key steps. If you do not make them, then it will be impossible to get to the fifth stage – adoption. So, return to normal life and start a new, healthy relationship.
Give yourself the right to mourn. Parting, as we said, is the death of a relationship. And death is good to cry, cry out, burn, burn off. Surrounding people can pay attention to your condition, so think about how best to act – take a vacation, tell your friends and colleagues about the divorce and ask them to treat you with understanding, not to rely on any return from you emotionally and professionally. Ask for support from loved ones during this period.
Be careful with your parents, because often because of heightened anxiety and fears, instead of supporting, they begin to cheat their adult children even more, passing along unnecessary and even harmful advice.
Recreate loops. Our life is organized in a fairly stereotypical way. We wake up, go to work, have lunch, have dinner, organize and spend leisure time. We fill our lives with events. When we live with someone, both are involved in the content.
After breaking up, you should think about how to restore your life cycles. Take on the purchase of children’s products, call friends, friends or colleagues in the cinema, team up with one of the parents, in turn, to take the children to kindergarten / school. The resulting failure must be filled with new content, and then the new road of life will be smooth and comfortable.
Reassess values and goals. From therapeutic practice, many clients of my clients have a personal life that is approximately the way the grass grows: nature sets the grass to grow, so it grows.
The basis of many relationships are parental prohibitions and prescriptions. All your friends create a family and have children, and you need. That guy / girl doesn’t suit you, but this / this one fits. Sexual prohibitions are also reasons for creating a family. A hungry person is not very picky about food. He yearns for satiety, not pleasure.
Even worse is the option of getting married and getting married, just to leave home. Or when unconsciously build unhealthy relationships in the family according to the parental model.
Fear of loneliness and lonely old age, fear of social scorn or condemnation from parents and relatives are not the best advisers in choosing a partner. But after a divorce, it is possible to honestly answer what values and goals you actually, as a couple, have united, which ones have eroded, and which values have remained important for each individual. For example, security, prosperity, family, love, loyalty, care, self-realization of each of the partners, etc.
It is values and goals that keep a couple together and disconnect. Their analysis can show that not only the person who decided to leave you is not along the way with you, but you are with him too.
See opportunities in crisis. It is important to save hope. Not for the return of his beloved (oh), and the fact that another life is possible. And to allow at least at the level of fantasies that it will be better than before. On the ruins of the past, the possibilities of the future always arise.
If you were unloved, you can finally feel love. There was no time for friends – you can communicate as much as you wish. Love ballet / football, but your partner could not bear it – voila, buy a ticket, call friends and enjoy. And when you come to life, like a phoenix, the world will come to life, filled with colors, desires, possibilities and meanings.
Yes, there is a pessimistic scenario in which one cannot cope with depression without the help of a doctor. In this case, it is important that you yourself can recognize this or your loved ones can help you and refer you to a specialist. And then be sure to go to what is called a return to normal life.