How I moved from Serial People-Pleaser to Owning my Authenticity

How can you have massive impact in the world, if you can’t do things your way? Ten years ago, I had no idea who I was. Everything I did, I did simply because… well…  someone else was doing it.  I agreed with people because I wanted them to like me.  I studied… what my friends […]

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How can you have massive impact in the world, if you can’t do things your way?

Ten years ago, I had no idea who I was.

Everything I did, I did simply because… well… 

someone else was doing it

I agreed with people because I wanted them to like me. 

I studied… what my friends were studying.

I listened to the coolest bands… the ones that my friends thought were cool.

I allowed others to inform which clothes I wore, or how to wear my hair. 

Following fashion?… Oh no, not me. I was different. I was in a band. I was ‘edgy’. (For the record – I was absolutely following fashion, just a less mainstream fashion).

Other people’s tastes even informed which food I ate. Get this: I became vegan and stayed that way for seven years, not because I personally had an issue with consuming animal products, or took issue environmentally – (although that’s exactly what I would have had you believe) – Oh no! – The real reason was because a friend thought cheese was disgusting…

I love cheese! But it didn’t feel safe to state my preference, and risk losing that connection, that love…. (Seven years…! Jeeeeez. I ain’t gettin’ those back!!!)

And even, more recently, I have struggled to consider things like: Which music do I want to listen to? Do I really like this outfit, or is it more that so-and-so would like it? Do I really like this wine, or am I drinking it because X drinks it? Am I painting my house this colour because it makes me feel good, or because it’s what [insert name] has done, thus doing so will make me more like them (and less like me)?

As you can probably tell, I’ve never really had a problem with following others’ leads. 

I actually thought it was a strength, and that my ability to do so demonstrated how “open-minded” I was, or something like that. 

Outwardly, I was so confident, so self-assured. Leaping around the stage and giving it sass. But inside was a different story. 

Sometimes I had panic attacks when I was alone– just because I was alone. 

I remember once calling a friend in desperation, begging him to come over and just sit with me, distract me, save me…

From what, I wasn’t quite sure. But I can see now the threat was ‘being with myself’. Or even, if you take ‘myself’ out of the equation… just ‘being’.

Looking back now, it was like I needed some kind of validation. Someone else to make me feel REAL. Without another person there… Who The Hell Was I?

This question literally made me feel sick.

Some of the biggest choices I made in my twenties; to go to music college, to spend six months backpacking in India, to study Music Therapy at university, to cycle to Africa…

All these amazing experiences…

Guess what? They were actually all someone else’s idea. Other people’s dreams. 

And I— kind of in awe at their brilliance — just, well, tagged along.

Inspired ideas. But not actually ones I can take the credit for. (It’s a bloody good job I made such awesome friends, otherwise I dread to think what I might have got into. To those friends if you are reading this – thank you for being such an inspiration).

Fast forward a decade or so, to July 2019…

… and enter Marisa Peer. 

As soon as I heard her speak about her technique – Rapid Transformation Therapy, or RTT, on a podcast whilst I was potting in the garden – I knew that this was exactly what I had been waiting for. I felt it deep down inside of me. In my waters, in my bones. In every cell of my body.

I’d always known I wanted to be a therapist, but had never been sure which route to take. The course wasn’t cheap – but it was an investment, and I was ready. So I spoke to my partner Rob and, realising the cost of not doing it (i.e. scraping by doing a job that didn’t even come close to fulfilling me, or funding the life we envisioned for ourselves) we figured out a way to make it work, and I signed up.

Enrolling for that course, my life turned a corner, and I pole-vaulted myself headfirst into a life of deep fulfilment & purpose, my zone of genius… and finally — the courage to live a life of AUTHENTICITY.

The training course included a week in London, at a very posh hotel. It felt amazing to be there. On the course I received some RTT. In fact, I received rather a lot of it. 

What transpired, through the regressions in hypnosis, was that certain events from earlier in my life had left me feeling that any kind of love I experienced might not last. Experiencing my parents’ divorce, and my mother moving away when I was at primary school, had led to me feeling “not worthy” and “not good enough”. 

Now I know… that that is what we do as children – so I don’t need to blame myself for it. As children, we believe that everything is about us, imagining painful events as our fault, when they often have little or nothing to do with us.

A lightbulb moment! 

I was sacrificing my own enjoyment of life, because I didn’t feel worthy. And focused instead on meeting other people’s needs – in total fear that the love I felt might be taken away. 

Then I realised… This. Was. What. I. Had. ALWAYS. Done.

I had spent at least half my life worrying more about what other people thought, without ever… EVER… stopping to consider what I actually thought about a matter.  

(Or indeed didn’t think.)

Talk about liberating. I felt INCREDIBLE. And suddenly so powerful! Just writing this now makes me want to burst out laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of it… 

How can someone spend the most part of their life without stopping to think what they really think on a matter? 

I HAVE OPINIONS! 

I CAN MAKE MY OWN CHOICES! 

I can like things that my friend/partner/family/colleague doesn’t like!!!

Talk about a life-changing shift of perception.

I had been a lost little sea snail rolling around the seabed. (Granted, it was a pretty colourful and interesting seabed… Hey – let’s call it a coral reef… ) Rolling on down to wherever the current should take me. And if I found a passerby who showed me some interest, I clung on like a little limpet for dear life… And then, to ensure my safety… to fit right in… I would do something incredible… I would change my colours like a chameleon. 

A Chameleon Limpet. How’s that for an analogy?

It takes courage to tune out the noise (of other people’s opinions), and listen to our inner voice. It takes risking their disapproval. And if you go back to the Stone Age, when humans lived in tribes  – losing the approval of your tribe meant exclusion, and exclusion, most likely meant death. By sabre-tooth tiger. 

So, if we didn’t experience secure attachment as a child… If there was a lack of love…

Then this need to be liked and fit in –  is a perfectly normal survival mechanism. 

Through RTT I came to understand my patterning, and once we understand our patterning, we are free from the subconscious need to repeat a behaviour. Instead, having learnt the lesson – we can let it go. 

So now, I am delighted to report… that unless I hold a person in high regard – and- they are living in a way what I want to live (i.e. I can learn from them); I do not allow their opinion to hold any sway over my choices. At. All. That’s not to say I am not interested in hearing it, or don’t listen, but if I have made up my mind and am happy with my decision, then that is the bottom line. I am a liberated limpet now, lighting up in my own palette as and when I choose! (Now that sounds like one psychedelic limpet.)

But, in all honesty now…  

You want to know the best bit? 

The best bit… is that I actually do not regret one single thing from my past. 

In fact I am grateful for every single (yes, sometimes idiotic) experience.

Because every single thing I have done has taught me something about life, and myself, creating the person I am today. I love learning how to be better! And… I love being me!

All that time spent desperately trying to fit in has given me incredible strengths and abilities.

Incredible intuition around what other people are thinking or feeling.

An incredible well of experiences from which to draw inspiration.

An incredible openness, and ability to surrender to circumstance, or to simply ‘sit’ with not knowing.

I love to spend time really figuring out what it is that I like, be it clothing, furniture, music, art, flavours, plants…

I have realised that the simple fact of being alive is an opportunity to express my AUTHENTICITY— and appreciation. 

Being truly authentic gives other people ‘permission’ to be authentic as well, so just by being you, you are empowering those around you to be more ‘them’.

Since receiving RTT, I have dared to dream how my life could look, 

And I am well on the way to having that dream. 

I know without a shadow of a doubt that the success I envision for myself is waiting for me just around the corner. 

I couldn’t be happier. I LOVE my life. 

I love knowing what I like and expressing my authentic individuality — !

And – I LOVE helping other people to experience the same.

If I can experience this radical overhaul, so can you!

Maybe you, too, can relate to the story of a lifelong habit of people-pleasing, or not having opinions… Of being a ‘chameleon limpet’!

But maybe, you are also ready to get tuned in to what turns you on!… 

To Get Authentic!

To get REAL!

To live a life in glorious harmony with WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD…!

If you are, then I am happy to announce that there is light at the end of the tunnel!

YOU, yes you! can have the very same breakthrough. 

You can be free, to shine YOUR light on the world.

You can be successful. 

Your voice can be heard -! Your voice needs to be heard!

The world desperately needs people like YOU to step up, shine their light, and change the paradigm!

YOU CAN BE HAPPY! 

You are unique. 

You are AMAZING. 

You are worthy. 

You DESERVE to live your dream life.

Yes… I’m talking to YOU!!!

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