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Going Sane: THRIVING with Mental Illness

How I went from broke, bipolar and suicidal to millionaire in ten months by turning my mental illness into my greatest gift

This is going to be controversial.

It will offend some (perhaps many), and change others forever, just like one article did for me, two years ago.

My hope is that this is an online space that can hold controversy, because its very founder gave birth to this magazine in the face (literally) of her own awakening to what should have been controversial (working yourself to death, or, in her case, until she woke in a pool of blood on her desk) but wasn’t, and what was unthinkable in her world—thriving as a high powered woman who also has plenty of time for self care and quality of life—was actually the very path she sought and the new paradigm we’re all being called to embrace.

My wake up call didn’t come in the form of a pool of blood.

It came in the form of a second round of mental illness diagnoses, nervous breakdowns, the loss of my high-powered career, and suicidal depression.

It was only two years ago that I was a broke, bipolar and suicidal single mom, staring at the void of my life where once there had been a hot shot (but completely empty) career building and running multimillion dollar companies in corporate America. I had graduated at the top of my class from one of the most intellectually rigorous colleges in the country; I had a gift for sales, marketing and turning around failing companies; I had won writing awards and was always told I was destined to be a powerful leader inspiring others through my words and work, so by 43, when I was supposed to not just be going places but have already arrived, I was instead considering stepping off the planet altogether.

And I think it is the height of irony that it must be said, either by me or by the editor here, that I am not a mental health professional and you should not construe anything I am about to say as giving medical advice.

Because that’s precisely the topic of controversy I am here to address.

And what am I here to say?

That the mental health profession is dead and is constitutionally incapable of dealing with mental illness. That it is time we all admit it and get on with putting it to rest, give it a beautiful headstone and a moving eulogy for the role it played in the evolution of consciousness and graduate to the next generation of consciousness work that actually works. (And therefore not have to put disclaimers in articles about the fact that I am not a ‘certified’ or ‘trained’ mental health professional, as if being one means one is capable of providing worthwhile mental health advice when in fact it means one is more likely incapable of doing so.)

I was almost a casualty of the mental health profession.

And it was only after I walked away from the instructions and guidance offered me by the very practiced, highly degreed, well-meaning professionals and took myself through a process I call “going sane,” that I was able to create a sustained, symptom-free, root-level reboot onto an entirely new mental operating system. One that works with my weird wiring, not against it.

And for those of you who are where I was, who have exhausted all the traditional pathways to health and thriving, have done absolutely everything possible to try and manage what feels truly unmanageable, and are willing to take the road less travelled—because the well worn one leads very expertly to Nowhere—I am here to say that there is another way, and that I, and others like me, have found it.

You do not have to settle for a numbed up body and a dumbed down brain on medication, or a slowly and lowly functioning system, propped up by therapeutic techniques that are not only ineffective but leave you lifeless and losing hope.

There is now another way, and I am not the only one forging it. Neurodivergence is becoming a term used in the mental health community to describe brains that are wired differently than “neurotypical” ones, and these new voices are saying there is no reason to label one set of wiring “healthy” and the other set “ill.” But the problem is, typical mental health approaches don’t know what to do with the neurodivergent brain other than medicate or therapize it. Neither of which works.

Which is one of the reasons why the global rate of suicide and anxiety has steadily climbed for the past thirty years.

I’m taking the position that neurodivergence isn’t “just as good” as neurotypicality. It is in fact our greatest blessing, the source of our psychic gifts (which we all have) and the bridge to spiritual awakening.

And it is possible not just to function, but to thrive, with mental illness by causing our wiring to work for us, not against us.

It is not an easy path. It is not the path of the tried and true. And for quite awhile, until I invented new energetic technologies to help me and my clients harness our crazy brains, I not only struggled with mental illness. I almost died from it.

The Fall

First, I tried wrangling my crazy into submission.

In secret.

Because I couldn’t let anyone know how strange it really was inside my brain.

That’s when I was seeing a therapist (it’s ok to see a therapist, I thought. That still counts as secret because everyone does it now. No one needs to know it’s because I’m convinced I don’t belong here and in fact got off on the wrong universal bus stop, and that’s not just an analogy I really do believe there’s another planet that’s my true home that’s much more suited to my weird wiring and everyone is like me oh my GOD wouldn’t that be amazing) and of course I was journaling prolifically and then when I couldn’t stand journaling anymore making a lot of bizarre art also in secret – writing singing dancing anything to channel the exquisite and insistent demons in my mind – and wanting to talk all the time about what was going on with me with anyone who would listen except I couldn’t since they’d look at me weird because I knew they didn’t have the same challenges I did, so I resorted to books and my therapist and sometimes my partners but even that was discouraging because they weren’t crazy like me and they just looked at me with compassion mixed with pity and suggested something that only works for normal people, which made me feel lonely even when I was in a relationship and which became one of the topics in addition to my crazy mind that I talked to my therapist about who thought I certainly was a bit strange, definitely highly creative, and undoubtedly brilliant but didn’t yet realize—even though I’d been seeing her for years—that there was something much deeper and darker going on, because one,

I was incredibly successful in my career;

two, I wasn’t a disheveled mess (because even when I’m in mental misery I’ve still got style and flair);

three, I kept a lot of sh*t from her because I didn’t know what the rules were about being sent to the not-funny-at-all farm and that was absolutely not something I was willing to risk; and finally four,

when I wasn’t deeply depressed about how hard it was to manage just in terms of the basics or anguished at the fact that no one really knew me (which was necessary in order to be successful) or despairing at how improbable it was that I’d be able to make it through life without something going terribly wrong, I was incredibly magnetic and charismatic and engaging.

So she completely missed the fact that I was bipolar.

And that it was about to get bad.

So let me just stop here for a minute.

…Any of this resonate with you?

Because you’re why I’m writing this.

Because I haven’t just been you, I’ve coached you.

There’s actually lots of you (Lots. More than you can imagine) and I know that you’ve done and tried next to everything (except the one thing that works) and I’m here to give you hope.

To tell you that even though you may feel deeply paralyzed, it’s possible to be a high-flying success doing what you’re supremely gifted at, with fully unleashed mental abilities (including intuitive and psychic ones) AND, hallelujah, emotionally stable and able to throw the meds away.

I’ve done it with many like you because I did it with me first.

And before I tell you my crazy story from madness to spiritual millionaire in ten months’ time, this is the place for the (hopefully-soon-to-be-unnecessary) disclaimer.

I am not a doctor.

I am not a psychiatrist.

I am not a therapist.

No governing or institutional body on earth has trained or certified me to do what I do and that is by choice because huge behemoth institutions and governing bodies move slower than consciousness MOLASSES and what’s streaming in now — the new material of consciousness and the codes for upgrading our mind and body to be able to receive this new consciousness — are moving at speeds far beyond the capacity of any established institution on earth to be able to capture, understand, “certify,” curriculumize and disseminate to the masses.

And what the f*ck is that anyway. Humans certifying Consciousness. It’s ridiculous. And of course no. They’re not certifying the consciousness itself, but rather the human who’s bringing through or speaking for a body of knowledge.

…Except in doing so, they kinda are attempting to certify the consciousness itself, because this new consciousness comes with its own disruptive requirement, which is that its carriers self-validate their genius first, foremost, and always, . And that’s because it is this new energeticis all about confronting and shattering entrenched paradigms of externally sourced, communally agreed on, binary-brained, five-sensory forms of knowing.

I spent thirty nine years—so from the age of six—denying my deep third eye abilities to see into people’s Souls, know exactly what they were denying, avoiding and lying to themselves about and why, and rejecting and feeling deeply ashamed of and scared by my claircognizant ability to read the codes of the collective consciousness and know the exact condition of it, why global, local and familial trends and struggles were happening, and exactly what to do about it.

Now I speak about it openly (case in point, here) and use it in every moment with my clients.  But it took me almost taking my own life…twice…to be willing to speak my untame and royal truth without concern for what people would think, how much it would damage my polished-to-a-high-sheen corporate reputation, how worried my family would be, or in how much disdain those I cared about would hold me.

How I was able to get myself past my legion of fears, anxieties, and four mental illness diagnoses, some of which are the source of my psychic gifts and some of which are the result of my extreme fears and anxieties about having those very gifts, and get to a point of being a millionaire in ten months, almost two million in revenue in two years, with no sign of the destructive symptoms and without medication or the help of the mental health profession (except for one month at the very beginning where I saw a psychiatrist four times and then realized she wasn’t going to be able to help me), is too complex for this article. But that I did, and then was able to go on and help countless clients build their businesses by leveraging their strange brains, also without therapy or medication, is my essential point.

And now some other human or group of humans may decide they need to certify or validate what I know is coming through and how I know how to work with the weird wiring of the neurodivergent brain? They’re going to certify and validate what you know that you know, and how you know to do what you know how to do, even though you “shouldn’t” know and don’t have the “training” to know and don’t even exactly know yourself how you know what you know and do what you’re uniquely gifted to do?

Uh. No.

Where did Jesus go to get his “Master Healer and Miracle Worker” certification.

Did the woman who touched his robes and was instantly cured of her twelve years of bleeding first ask him to please walk her through all his qualifications?

Or Buddha.

What about Gandhi.

How about Carl Jung.

Now Carl. Carl is an interesting one. He certainly got “certified” in the eyes of the world, because he studied with the great master, Freud, who got certified wherever he got certified. But did you know that the material for all Jung’s most seminal breakthroughs in consciousness—what we all use in our everyday language, visual art, storytelling, therapy sessions, religious and spiritual ceremonies and film as if it’s gospel truth came from content he channeled during a six-year psychotic break?

Let me say that again.

He channeled it. (The entity who was the source of the information was named Philemon.)

During a six-year psychotic break.

And did you know that up until a few years ago, his inner circle kept the book that chronicled this break in complete secret and under lock and key (literally) because they were convinced if the world knew the origins of all his greatest breakthroughs and actually read the book in which they appeared, it would sully his name and potentially destroy his reputation and call into question everything he’d done?

So, no.

I did not go seeking an institution to certify what I know. And neither should you.

And it isn’t working to sit in chairs trying to get help from people who’ve been certified by those very institutions is it, because they can’t help you.

You know this.

I know you know it.

You sit in those chairs and think to yourself I’m about a hundred times more brilliant than you and there’s no freaking way in hell you’re going to be able to help me wrangle this wild, this beautiful, this aberrantly wired mind into submission so I can actually function like a normal person and not feel like I’m living with a dragon who might at any moment tear me limb from limb.

The best they can do is give you coping strategies that don’t work and meds that dumb your brain and dull your body.

And that’s because the problem lies in their brains, not yours.

Their brains cannot possibly, no matter how many of them gather together into the best PhD research programs on the planet to try and understand something as alien and confronting and terrifyingly powerful as your brain, come anywhere close to doing so.

They’re trying to be lion tamers when really they should be caring for kittens.

And the reason is because you, my friend, are in the process of going sane.

You’re undergoing a massive and rapid deconditioning and deprogramming of your consciousness, which you’ve received from your parents and your culture and your peers and which has been handed down and coded into your DNA and the cells of your body and your brain and into the neuronal networks in your mind for millennia as the de facto state of human consciousness. And anything that aberrates too far from that conditioning is called crazy and the only reason it’s called that is because the world is fashioned from birth to suit that state of consciousness: the one that obeys rules and cares about fitting in and can be cowed easily and wants more than anything to get to the top of the social ladder and doesn’t question but instead is very good at mastering the paradigm it’s been placed in and here you are, the rule-breaking, envelope-pushing, devil-may-care, anti-establishment iconoclast.

And that’s because you’re not here to master paradigms.

You’re here to shatter them.

So of course you can’t operate well within the very paradigm you’re here to disrupt, destroy and upgrade to something unimaginably more magical and stunning but the thing is that you need to. You really want to figure out how to because not operating well means being a genius trapped in an unruly, out-of-control mind with very few if any real friends and who is in constant financial struggle and maybe even also physically (and likely “mysteriously”) ill, or rich but what does it matter because you’re miserable as f*ck.

(And lemme just say this. What they’re also not telling you—your doctor and your therapist and your psychiatrist and your friends—is that their own brains are starting to break down also, and they’re starting to feel the slightest twinges and twitches, the most minute inklings of itchiness in their minds that you felt when you were two.)

Because the truth of the matter is this:

The age of the dumbed down, tribal, fearful, lesser-than-the-gods, pining-after-glory-and-divinity, child-of-God, seeking-for-the-answer-in-some-guru-or-spiritual-celebrity, superhero-and genius-worshipping human is over.

This is the age of disruption in global consciousness, because it’s time to step into our genius, giant blueprint, which is our true nature.

Right now the people who are doing this, who are claiming and certifying themselves as geniuses and gods are called crazy, megalomaniacal, narcissistic and bipolar.

What a sad world we live in when declaring yourself a genius and a god is considered crazy.

It’s said that the night before Siddhartha became enlightened, he was challenged by a demon who claimed the throne of enlightenment for himself, declared his own spiritual achievements to be greater than Siddhartha’s and challenged him to produce someone who would speak for him.

“The earth is my witness,” Siddhartha said, and reached down and touched the ground.

And the world shook and roared in resonance, “I BEAR YOU WITNESS,” and the morning star shon in the sky and Siddhartha became the Buddha, the Enlightened One.

Earth Certification. That’s what he got.

I did something a bit more radical, because the final stage of awakening is not enlightenment, but enDarkenment, and in that state of consciousness, there is no one and nothing to speak for you.

And that is the point.

And that is the final trial.

And that is why it’s so terrifying.

You must speak like God into the void and cause your own divinity consciousness to leap into being.

What am I saying speak like god.

I mean as a god.

And how do you do this?

You lift yourself into direct contact with your own divine standing. You deliver to yourself, in visceral, imperial and electromagnetic fields of new energy, the knowledge that you are the true and complete source of your own power and that no one and nothing has power over you. And then using new spiritual technologies, you cause this to be your new, effortless reality.

This is the way you liberate yourself from the constraints of human consciousness and become able to operate with pure grace and aplomb within the very paradigm you’re shattering.

It all happens at a point in the evolution of consciousness I call the Meathook Moment of Awakening, based on the myth of Inanna, the Dark Goddess and Sumerian Queen of Heaven and Earth, in which she descends a long, stone staircase into the pit of the earth, is divested of all her finery until she stands at the bottom, naked and alone and then, if that wasn’t bad enough, is lifted onto a meathook, hangs there for three days and dies, and then is lifted off, walks back up the stairs, receives all her finery and returns to the surface of the earth, arrayed in all her glory once again.

What happens on the meathook cannot be spoken of without falling ad infinitum into paradox and nonsense, but suffice it to say that it is the most terrifying, maddening, opaque, resistant and liberating moment in consciousness.

It looks to all the world and to your human awareness like you’re going totally insane.

And it is essential for anyone who desires to touch their divine nature.

I knew this. And I’d been avoiding it.

I’d tumble down the stairs of my life, take one look at the meathook and run scared back up to the light, only to tumble down once again.

This is because if you’re a born disruptor, the meathook is the gravitational point of your true nature.

This time though, since my options were suicide or some kind of unknown and only slightly less terrifying, self-induced energetic death—on the other side of which I knew in my bones would be true life—I stayed still and let the moment take me.

And when it was over, which took about a month and ended on Halloween (of course), I rested for a few months, and then when I knew it was time, declared myself a spiritual genius who had gone sane, flipped my mental illness on its head and went from broke, bipolar and suicidal and being told by my psychiatrist I needed to be on two forms of medication just to stabilize, to creating deep emotional and mental stability on my own, without medication, inventing a new spiritual technology to both activate and maintain my new state of being, and becoming the successful CEO of a seven figure spiritual transformational business in ten months.

Working part time.

And breaking all the rules and records in my industry for how business had to be done.

I now have a group of over 3500 members who resonate deeply with my message, many of whom have been called crazy, misfits and outcasts in their own worlds and whose lives have not been just mentally and emotionally changed but materially improved by applying what I teach. I hear from people all the time that they went from broke to rich using my (de)programs and from depressed to thriving and without the need for pills. And these are people who’ve done #allthethings to try and do what they’re finally able to do with this new way of working with the energetics of consciousness.

And just two years ago, I was seriously considering killing myself.

I was recovering from my second nervous breakdown, had been recently diagnosed with bipolar 2 and PTSD (on top of the severe mood and anxiety disorder and two types of ADD I was diagnosed with a few years earlier), had just gotten fired for the third time from my role as a top executive in corporate America and only had $1400 to my name.

Not even Starbucks was going to hire an ex corporate executive with a resume like Swiss cheese. Take one look at my life on that piece of paper and there was clearly something wrong with me.

I was company kryptonite.

Plus, I’d already spent four years spiraling into hell, burning through $250,000 of savings and investments trying to build my own business, drinking every day, not getting out of bed for a week, schlepping across Chicago in the dead of winter and the pitch black of early morning delivering laundry for fourteen bucks an hour, and completely unable to go back to a regular job or get my own business off the ground because my mind kept leaping out with its fangs and its claws and destroying my relationships, my resolve, my focus, my health, my confidence, my emotional stability, my sense of self.

Then one day in bed contemplating how to kill myself, I read an article in the New York Times Magazine about Carl Jung and his crazy Red Book. And then the next day I read about Marion Woodman, a renowned Jungian analyst, who refused to take pills during her psychotic break because she said they numb the body, which we need fully alert because it’s the very vessel for our awakening, and that’s when I decided f*ck it.

I knew in my dark heart of gold there was nothing actually wrong with me and that it was my shame and my shadow that were killing me, not the strange (de)condition of my mind, so I went against the well-intentioned guidance of my psychiatrist and decided not to take pills—fully aware of the concerning “consciousness catch 22” of using my diagnosed mentally ill mind to decide how to handle said mind—and instead invented and then took myself through the set of spiritual technologies I mentioned earlier, which upgraded my consciousness and all my physical and non-physical systems so I could handle the pure potent and high octane energy of my genius mind and not spin mentally out of control, become emotionally destroyed or fall physically ill.

And as I applied these new spiritual tools, my life flew to new heights I couldn’t possibly have imagined.

Like grocery shopping and cooking on a regular basis, not being crippled with anxiety after every text or email because of how it might make me appear (Too needy? Too friendly? Too distant? Too cold? Too eager? Too arrogant? Too crazy???) and making a million dollars in less than a year.

All of which are equal miracles in my world.

I’ll never forget the look on my psychiatrist’s face when I told her I’d made fifteen grand in two weeks. And then when it became thirty grand in a month. And then I ended my sessions because my own spiritual and energetic techniques were far more effective.

And my clients regularly had their own astonishing results. Several of them saw spontaneous disappearances of physical conditions they’d had for years. One woman’s hair had been falling out for 16 years no matter what she tried and after one session with me, it stopped. Another woman had a skin condition for forty years and after three weeks of working with me, it cleared up. Others came to me suicidally depressed and on medication and were able to throw the meds away after a few months. Others went from being on the brink of divorce to madly in love in weeks. And the money. The money results were crazy.

It’s been two years now, and my mind and body are the picture of health.

Ok maybe not “health” because I’m sure many highly trained doctors and therapists and psychiatrists would say there’s something quite wrong with me for saying all the “crazy” things I do, so let’s say the picture of stability, euphoria and success.

No manic highs followed by crazy lows.

No insane mood swings.

Just up. Flowing. Euphoria. And successful? Well, I’d say heading into my second million and being a serial entrepreneur (my business partner and I have just started a new company that’s the intersection of super-nutrition, spirituality and esoteric wisdom), counts as being the picture of success.

Because here’s the deal. The reason you’re suffering is not because of your crazy mind. Your crazy mind is your greatest blessing, the portal to higher consciousness and the channel for your genius.

You’re suffering because you’re streaming high octane energy through your shadow and your human consciousness and that’s what’s making your brain and body sick.

The fields that run your human consciousness were never built to run divine energy alone. And when you try to, it’s hell.

You have an entirely other energetic blueprint that holds an infinite capacity to run your true nature without ever shorting out and when you activate that, it’s heaven on earth.

And to do that, you must go fully sane and step in to your divine nature without reservation, apology or justification and in a way that channels your genius through a completely different energetic system. Then your body and mind become what they’re meant to be: vessels that express the new consciousness through creative, visionary genius. Master handlers and artisans of the shimmering, pure Dark, which is the newest, lightest light that has not yet made it to our collective consciousness, and which you, my friend, are here to bring to the world.

And when you do, the most wonderful thing happens.

That other planetary home where you’re convinced you belong? The one you’ve been dreaming about and wishing you lived on since you were a kid?

That becomes this one right here, because the energetics of consciousness have shifted and it is now the age of you and your crazy mind and your equally crazy UnTribe—that host of other aberrantly wired creative geniuses and spiritual visionaries who are here to change the world with you.

And, yes. You’ll still have your detractors and naysayers. I’ve been called a cult leader, a narcissist and a crazy, cold hearted bitch. And not just in private but publicly, even by friends and former clients.

But none of it phased me or impacted my reputation or success because I know that no one and nothing has power over me, that I am built for magic, wired for genius and thriving is my natural state. And the same is true for you.

What humans really want-—and the reason Hollywood is replete with films about superheroes, biohacking has gained such popularity and extreme sports are on the rise—is to be who we truly are: superhuman.

And if humans want that, they will have to open the portal that takes them there and that means removing the ceiling in their mind and the floor to their fear and that is the definition of going sane.

And the good news is you’re already more than halfway there.

You did not fall asleep and wake up at the wrong stop on the universal bus route and figure here was as good as anywhere.

You came to create new myths with your genius. New pathways for others to access their own divine nature.

It’s your dream, isn’t it, to have giants on the land?

Mine, too.

And so from the vast warehouse of all possible states of being we selected a mind without a ceiling and fear with no floor so we could use our madness the way it’s meant to be: as the bridge to our individual and collective divinity.

So hear me when I say.

Your mental illness is magical.

You selected it with great purpose.

Because you looked down and saw that it is the Age of enDarkenment.

And in your own dark heart of gold, you knew it was time to thrive.



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