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Going Deeper as a Couple

Feel more connected by asking these questions

It is common for couples, even the most faithful and intimate, to hold back when it comes to their deepest thoughts and wishes. However, the most fulfilling lifelong commitments realize that helping your partner become the best version of him or her self in this lifetime is the ultimate goal.

Often, for that to occur, we have to sacrifice for each other and stretch well beyond our comfort zones. In this case, sacrifice means executing delayed gratification and providing unconditional support on our partner’s behalf. This give and take to empower your partner to grow must originate from vulnerability and transparency on a deep level and be met with a healthy balance of reciprocity.

Initiating that experience in a relationship requires partners to ask and answer some revealing questions. These are the type of conversations that get to the heart of the relationship and introduce necessary changes for the couple. These inquiries fall into two categories: About You and About Us

About You questions allow you and your partner to discuss what is essential for each of you to reach your desired potential in life.

About Us questions expose how the relationship is helping or holding back that progress and what may need to change.

Here are some examples of “going deeper” questions that can lead couples to understand how they can open their relationship to this type of deeper growth.

About You Questions

  • What is your biggest desire that you fear won’t come true? How can you get rid of that fear?
  • Fill in the blank: If I don’t do X before I die, I will feel unfulfilled. What do you need to do to make that happen?
  • If you could undo one thing from your childhood that affects your life today what would it be? Can I support your healing from that wound?
  • What sexual experience do you desire but are hesitant to tell me? Can we make that a reality?

About Us Questions

  • Do I, in any way, make you feel less than and how can I change to empower you?
  • In what way are you holding back and if you gave in to me we could be closer?
  • What do you need to forgive in our relationship but don’t want to yet? Why?
  • What is your vision of what our relationship could do for others or the world around us that we aren’t doing currently?

These are some examples of critical and disruptive questions that can create a revolution in a couple’s relationship. For couples to safely ask and answer these questions, it is vital that you have comfort with transparency in your relationship. Also, feeling confident in your ability to be open-minded, non-judgmental and navigate conflict is essential.

(Critical note: I wouldn’t recommend couples have these types of vulnerable conversations if they aren’t feeling safe and secure in their relationship. If the connection is under tension or in crisis, it is better to tend to those concerns with a couples therapist first before diving in deeper.)

In my book, Relationship Reset, I have a section called Muscle Builders. Muscle Builders are research-based exercises that couples work on together to deepen their bond. They include questions like I have provided above, along with instructions on how to create a supportive and successful discussion environment in your relationship. If you are looking to take your relationship to an entirely new level, you will love Relationship Reset. Pick up your copy today!

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