As I received news of the passing of my father, yes you read it right, I didn’t burst into tears. There was a calm that settled. To understand you have to realise that I hadn’t spoken to him in over 8 years and prior to that the relationship wasn’t the greatest. Not to delve into family politics, I am sure we all have our sad stories but needless to say it is now too late. There is nothing I can do, and unlike Hollywood would like you to believe, in reality, there is no sudden regret, or even a should have, could have, for me anyway.
Suddenly I spoke to family members that I haven’t spoken to in close on 15 odd years. and it slowly dawned on me, that I chose this, my reasons being my own, it was a conscious choise.
Not to make light of the passing of any family member, but to put in perspective, that we choose how we react. Be it anger, sadness, regret, longing, loss, you can add several more. Realise that it is a choice.
I am feeling bad because I don’t feel sad, and that is a choice. There is a sense of loss but no more.
He made his choices over the years for his reasons, and I made mine. We choose of our won free will.I can use the same analogy in traffic. If someone cuts you off, you choose how you react, they don’t force the reaction out of you. You decide, lash out, forgive and how to move on. Realise that your actions will have consequences, good bad or indifferent.
It is what it is, and life goes on. Basically, my point is this. React as you want, but realise that it is your choice. If you choose to lash out in anger over guilt, this is your choice. If you suddenly want to make contact with long lost siblings, friends etc. It is YOUR Choice.
Your actions are by choice. Take reasonability for them and realise that you make them for your own reasons and don’t make them satisfy a social norm.
Yes, I feel bad because I don’t feel sad. That’s me and my choice. You don’t have to understand it, it might make you angry but it is my choice. There is also a sense of relief. Relie after several attempts of reaching out over the years and not getting any joy, finally knowing some of the last 8 odd years of his life, and actually knowing and not wondering.