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Fear Held Me Back

When I learnt to let go and trust, my love deepened.

When I met the Italian, I never thought this experience would be the pinnacle for me to learn about love and fear. But it was. Trust me, I didn’t even know what I was feeling let alone experiencing life lessons!

When he decided in August that he couldn’t do ‘this’ because I had just separated, I was hurt and angry. He felt I needed the time to clear my head. Clear what, I thought. I was crystal clear I wanted him but there was so much more to that. He didn’t want me to jump into another relationship while my wound was so fresh. Back then I didn’t get it so I took his leaving as he didn’t want me.

Feeling unwanted and rejected was an old wound. The fear of losing him hurt so bad that my mood kept swinging like a pendulum. One minute I was understanding and the next minute I was angry at him for not being with me. I would say things like, “you know what I’ve gone through and you say I am a strong woman and yet when this strong woman is available you don’t want her. That’s just great.” Feeling undesired and rejected hurt like a ton of bricks, which I later realized and worked on.

It wasn’t just the pain of rejection and not feeling loved but also feeling alone. I translated being alone as being unwanted and unloved. See, how twisted that is?! Today, months after what had occurred, I am so much happier in my own apartment. I love having the time to myself, whether it is writing for Thrive Global, hitting the gym, boxing or cooking yummy vegan meals. But what I have learnt about love and going with the flow has truly been transformational whilst hard (mental) work.

In my previous blog, I’ve mentioned how the Italian and I have reconnected. While that is true, like many men they go back to their cave and we, as women have no clue what has actually occurred. We automatically think we’ve said something wrong or did something to piss them off. This is happening to me as I write this.

On Valentine’s Day, my friend and I decided to go out for drinks. Most of my friends know I’m the worst at holding my booze. After a glass of vino, I get tipsy which to some people can be funny. With more wine in my system, I was texting the Italian and I must say that was fun. Flirting virtually creates such a strong desire that you’d want to do whatever it takes to see the person especially if you can’t.  But obviously I couldn’t possibly fly down to Italy so texting was all I had.

The next day came, and we chatted briefly about my last night. Then a few more texts about things that have been going on were exchanged and before you know it, poof, he was gone like a dream.  Initially, I panicked because I couldn’t make sense of what had happened. This had happened to me before with him and back then I responded by panicking and ambushing him with messages.

This time round I wanted things to be different but I still panicked. The fear of the unknown freaked me out. “Was he deciding to walk away again? What happened? Did someone from his past come back?” All these questions got me so worked up. Then I suddenly had a realization and that changed everything.

This is not to say I didn’t text him a few times, letting him know, I was here and that if he needed the space, he has all the space he needs and that I’m sure whatever he is going through, he will come out of it stronger mentally and emotionally. After I had sent my last message, I told myself, this was it. I had to back off not because I was perhaps stifling him but because it also shows that I am trying to control what I can’t. If a guy has decided he needs to go in his cave to sort whatever it is that is going on, then that is what they will do. No texts or calls will bring them back right away.

The moment I realized I had to not just back off but I had to trust in this love that I know we have is when things altered within me. I then sat with myself and asked myself, ‘what is it that I want?’ I then knew that I wanted nothing more than to be with him. Back in August, I had said to myself, I would do anything to have him back in my life and here I’ve been given a second chance. If what we feel is real and strong enough and it is meant to reunite us in person besides energetically then patience and trust is what I need to have right now. I had to change how I perceived this silence.

So each day, I get up, thinking of him and sending him love and support. Praying that he is feeling stronger and whatever it is that he is going through resolves soon. Despite the absence of communication, I know he knows I am thinking of him every single day and I know he is too. I also know deep within my soul that he is my soul mate. This again is a sign of how much can I trust and let go and let the power of love guide me through it.

I believe in every cell of my body that love is that powerful. Don’t get me wrong so is doubt hence I have chosen and continue to choose every day to create trust, love and patience because I want more of that in my life. We have the ability to manifest what we want as long as we believe that we deserve it and have a sincere yearning for it.

So while my beau is on ‘absence’, I know he will come back to me with more love because when men come back, they feel a sense of release and clarity. I encourage women out there to support your man when they shut you out and go to their cave because unlike women, men don’t express themselves easily especially when it comes to problems they aren’t sure how to solve or emotions they have no idea what it means to them. They tend to want to sort things out in their heads all on their own. So the love they get after they come back is so important. Welcome them back with open arms and trust me, they’ll not only love you more but they will slowly open up to you as well.

To my beau and all the women out there whose men are ‘in the cave’.

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