A few years ago my daughters told me they were worried about my forgetfulness, my loss of words, my confusion. They suggested, or rather insisted I get tested. A flutist, writer, artistic director, busy playing and performing, I simply refused. But when I finally agreed to trek uptown with my younger daughter I was tested. I was shocked that indeed my cognitive ability was compromised and would only get worse. I was quietly terrified and indignant, and when I got home, I went to sat down at my desk and stared at the wall for what seemed a long time. I did not cry. I did not move. But then, for some reason I took out a pen and paper and started to write. What spilled out is mostly in verse. Putting pen to paper helped me to find my own way through the brambles of loss.
What resulted is my book, a lyrical memoir titled Like Falling Through a Cloud: A Lyrical Memoir of Coping with Forgetfulness, Confusion, and a Dreaded Diagnosis
Here are three poems I’ve chosen from Like Falling Through a Cloud to which I’ve included an intro to each:
BACK
I think this poem speaks to the confusion and fear I was actually feeling in a hot crowded subway as I realized I had no idea to find my way out of the underground station. I remember having a mix of panic and self anger. “How can you be so stupid,” I remember telling myself. Yet I believe I was oddly poised and when I emerged from the station and I was able to compose myself and walk home, cooling calmly off.
I’ve returned to the city
where everyone is busy
and scurrying
and worrying
and it’s late summer
subways are crowded and hot
folks are sweating a lot
and the trains are
always late
and some man gets up
to offer me his seat
which is sweet
if somehow insulting
here’s my stop
I’m attempting to exit
I push my way out
doors close behind
but when I look up at a sign…
this stop
is
not
mine
And worse
I’m totally turned around and can’t figure out
do I need to go back uptown
or change to the downtown track and how do
I do that
FIGURE IT OUT, BIRDBRAIN
I wander around the station
looking for an exit, any exit
JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE
there!
stairs!
I stagger up
until I’m out
above ground
Out of breath
having arrived
survived
A walk home will be good
I need to get my bearings
but I won’t be sharing
the story of my panic or pretty soon
I’ll be forced to wear
a lovely bracelet
inscribed:
MEMORY IMPAIRED
————————————————————————————–
GETTING IT TOGETHER
Here I am trying to be responsible, thinking about what I should be doing to get ready to leave my worldly goods to my family by going to my banker. At the same time I was imagining the idea my husband and I concocted, in a kidding mode, that we would put on deer suits, go out on the first day of hunting, and wait to meet our fates… hoping of course that the hunters would know how to shoot straight.
I’ve made a date
with my
banker
because I hanker
to know where things stand
when it comes to what I’ll hand
to my next of kin
so I should begin
to keep track of stuff
to see if there is enough
to pass around
when I’m under the ground
I’m not being dramatic
but I can no longer be static
about what lies ahead
when I’m dead
which oddly I do not dread
instead
I want to avoid leaving a mess
for the family to assess
I’d like them to say
she left it this way
to keep trouble at bay
and to avoid a fray
I don’t expect to croak
at midnight’s stroke
but I don’t want to be
one hundred and three
which my mother’s achieved
I will stick with the plan
I’ve made with my man –
when the time seems right
we will have the delight
of donning deer suits
on the first day of hunting
and we’ll go out in the fields
and wait
to meet our fates —
only I hope
the hunters know how to
shoot
s
t
r a
i
g
h
t
IN ORDER TO PROMOTE TRANQUILITY AND CERTAINTY
WHEREAS
The parties were married to one another in a civil ceremony
WHEREAS
as a result of their marriage the Parties wish by this agreement to
define their rights and interests in one another’s property; and
WHEREAS
each of the Parties has been informed of his/her rights and privileges in and to the property of the other under the laws…and each understands that under law their marriage confers specific rights upon each of them; and
WHEREAS
in order to promote tranquility and certainty…the Parties desire to define and limit by the Agreement the interests, rights and claims which accrue to each of them in the property of the other by reason of their marriage to each other; and…
WHEREAS
If the parties are wearing their respective deer suits and each has donned their
respective antlers, then each understands that the rights and claims of the other
will be null and void if he or she should be the receiver of the first bullet; and
WHEREAS
as a result of being the first receiver it will not matter diddly squat
who gets what
but let it be noted
that the certainty of tranquility will have been perfectly promoted.
————————————————————————————–
A SUPER SUNNY SUNDAY
Here I am on a spring afternoon reveling in the beauty and bounty of nature.
Almost August
and the tomatoes are bulging
on their vines
the flowers continue
to burst toward the sky
in colors that astound
while on the ground
our once hearty kale
has been ripped out by rabbits
who attack at dawn
and are gone
in a flash
leaving the crop tattered and torn
Nothing lasts forever
not kale or tomatoes or cucumbers
or the glorious flowers that fill our fields
or the people we adore
and though I know my days are numbered
I feel unencumbered
by thoughts of my demise
I do not embrace
my inevitable decline
but I’m determined
to find
a way to make the rest of my stay
on this problematic planet
filled with light
and love
and
music
As for the deer suit I promised to don
I don’t think I’ll put it on
not now not yet
I’m not ready
I feel steady
and I have a strategy to keep on keeping on
which is simple:
wake up
fetch the flute
summon up Syrinx
give thanks for another day
and then
play on!
play on!
play on!