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Ask Emmy Anything: Emasculation

Hurt Feelings, and Things you NEVER Say

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In today’s article Emmy and the love of her life, Matt join forces to discuss:

  • Emasculation
  • What to do when he hurts your feelings, and 
  • The things to never say to your lady when she’s crying or to your man when he is playing his video games

Let’s get this party started. Woo-hoo!!! 

Emasculation:

I had a chance to sit down with my man recently and ask him for his honest opinion about emasculation, and how it affects men. Let’s just say, he didn’t beat around the bush.

“Emasculation, for us, is one of the biggest offenses that can be made. It probably hits us deeper than anything else will ever do.”

And this is so true for so many men. As we often do in our relationship, we took some time to discuss how emasculation has shown up for us. I’m all about giving you guys real-life, practical examples, so let’s have a look. 

  1. Women who tease their men or make fun of them Tease them or make fun of them about something that they are doing (worse yet if it in a sarcastic tone or is sarcastic comments). For example, I am Latina, and speak Spanish fluently! Matt is not Latino, and even though he is learning, he does not speak Spanish. So my mom makes fun of Matt as he learns Spanish. This is a big no-no. Even if Matt were to say, “Te gusta a mi? Instead of te gusto? (one literally means do you like me, and the other means does it like me), I won’t correct him unless he asks me, then I will show him. I am not my man’s coach. I am not his teacher. We teach each other things, but I am not in coaching and teaching mode with my man. Oh, and while we are on it, never make fun of your partner in public. And don’t let others do it either….not your aunts, or mom, and anyone else. 

When He Hurts Your Feelings:

How to handle the conversation where he hurts your feelings? This is always a tricky one. Even with your soulmate, this is not a matter of IF, but WHEN! They are going to hurt your feelings. It is inevitable. I have found this line to be the most effective way to get to the heart of things without breaking his heart. Ready for it? Here it goes:

“I know this wasn’t your intention, but when you (INSERT whatever he did), it made me feel (whatever you felt). 

This is important because your soulmate does NOT want you in pain, so it was not his intention. 

Because he will also be in pain, so he does not want it. Don’t go on the attack because this means he already lost and will give up. Why try? Don’t punish your partner by withdrawing attention, sex and food. And it ends up hurting more. 

Matt shared, that from a man’s perspective, it feels like you are literally pushing us more away, and doing it from our basic needs, and we will eventually give up, not want to come home, and then things get dicey.

Remember, his purpose as your man, is to make you happy. But if he feels like he can’t get it right with you, he will stop trying.

The things to never say to your lady when she’s crying or to your man when he is playing his video games

In my case, I have found that tears are often connected to my hormonal cycle, and have nothing to with what’s actually going on. So let’s start with tears. I have lots of different kinds of tears.  Happy, sad, mad, frustrated, and more; and you need to teach your man. But guys! A friendly word of advice. Please do not tell us to stop crying. I know, I get it that if you are a healthy man, you want to end this pain for us, because you also feel our pain!  But we can’t look you in the eye, and we can’t and don’t want to stop crying. So please don’t ask. 

Now, I’d like to share something about video games (or whatever your man is into), and specific requests with love. This is different than a demand. A demand from a woman makes men feel like they are talking to their mothers. They don’t want another mom. They want a girlfriend or wife. They want someone we can be intimate with and love. They don’t get that from demands. 

One day, I really wanted to clean the house but did not want to disturb his video game day. So here is the ask I made:

Me: “Hi honey, do you mind if I clean the house today?”

Matt: Sure, but why did you ask?

Me: Because I am going to make a lot of noise, and don’t want to disturb you.

Matt: No problem.

So I started cleaning and realized that I needed his help with a few things. Instead of huffing and puffing that he did not offer to help me, I kept cleaning and then approached him.

Me: Hey honey, can I ask you a question when you’re available? 

Matt: Yeah honey, what’s up?

Me: Honey when you have a moment do you think you’ll have some time to unload the dishwasher? 

Matt: Of course

Me: thank you, honey!

And guess what, I was going to honor his timeline to do that whenever he can! 1 minute, 1 hour, 2 hours. Whatever. He did it 5 minutes later because he’s the best 🙂

Ok, ladies and gents, that’s a wrap. Thanks for reading, and please leave a comment or question below. I’d love to hear from you. 

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