Are you really committed to yourself? Your personal growth, your happiness, and your contentment. So committed you would stop what you are doing and see how you are doing.
Do you stop and ask how are you really doing in this moment of pain, of being triggered or hurt?
So often we are in such a hurry to do the next thing that we ignore ourselves. We vice it down, blame or numb out. We divert by way of others or something outside of ourselves.
It took me a long while to get that self-love is really about doing some of the basic actions we do for others.
It’s simple and yet not easy. From my own experience of decades of falling down and getting back up, I’ve learned a few things along the way. I’ve learned to stop frequently when I have a moment of “charge” either emotionally or physically and ask myself “ what’s going on”. I check in with myself.
In these situations, I often stop and do inquiry with myself. Oh! That is a good point, I need to work on this, it’s important. Most of the time it is a trigger and I’m feeling charged, angry even. If I don’t stop and inquire about it, it will continue to show up again and again.
It’s taken many years of therapy and self-growth to get to the point where I am with really understanding that the things I do for someone else when they are upset or injured are the things I need to do for myself. It sounds really intuitive and yet I’ve found that what society constantly reinforces is codependency and non-self love. It feels like I’ve had to climb Mt. Everest to get through all of that confusing mess of conditioning to find a really simple answer. Many of us, including myself, haven’t a clue.
Years ago a guru asks me if I would marry myself. In my journaling on that topic, I found that my commitment to myself needed to be greater than what I was desiring from someone else. I finally got it! What we want from others is what we need to give ourselves. I’ve been fortunate in the way that no one was able to give it to me so I had to find it in myself. I did!
A lot of coaches will tell me that I need to stay focused and on my goals personally and professionally with no distractions to succeed. They could be right, for others. However, what I notice about the quality of what I do in all areas of my life is that it is so much better, authentic, peaceful, and clear when I stop what I’m doing and ask myself some questions when I’m feeling emotionally charged. That is my goal. How I move through life is the most important. Do I move through my day stressed out, emotional, frustrated or hurt and cover it up to drive on to what I have to do or do I stop check-in with myself and clear it out and then move on from a place of clarity and inner peace.
Here are my steps:
How are you feeling Lisa?
What thought was causing this unsettlement?
I write down the thought or feeling and ask myself questions.
* Is that true? I stop and get quiet really listening to the answer.
* What are my reactions to this and why?
* What might I get out of this? Even if it is negative.
* How might the opposite of it be true?
* Can I find clear examples of it?
Judgment creates the charge. Curiosity can defuse any charge of emotion.
I’m committed to myself in a big way. So much so that no other relationship is more important than my personal growth. Does that seem selfish? It isn’t.
Why is that? It’s because in doing my own work I’m a better person, I can have better relationships and I offer more to the people in my life, including myself. It’s just better! It’s cleaner, freer, more loving and more joyful. It’s fulfilling for me to grow. It just feels as if this is the point of life to me.
If I don’t stop and ask myself some questions I jot down the thought, the belief or the feeling down on paper to go back later and work on it. I’ve learned to coach myself and it is what I teach others to do. It’s an amazing skill to have. It’s like taking care of our bodies by brushing our teeth or bathing. It’s cleaning the inside. If it doesn’t get cleaned it builds up.
Self-growth is one of the things in my life I’m the proudest. I’ve been in a relationship with it for close to 30 years. I’m as committed to myself as I can be to my life partner. This is how I know a long term committed relationship is something I’m totally able to do. I’ve done it already. I’ve been with me through the tough times, the joyful times, the sad and depressing times. I’ve been through the times where I hated myself and other times when I abandoned myself, abused myself. I’ve been there with myself through the times when I didn’t want to live. I cared for myself after the brink of death. I made it through to the incredibly hard times. I stood by myself when no one else did. I was there for me. I also held myself accountable. I’ve done it all and I still love myself.
I’m certainly not perfect and I don’t seek perfection, but I’m a great partner to myself. I do it for the love of life and to experience life to the fullest. That trickles down all other areas of my life. Mostly, I do it because of how I feel when I’ve cleaned out what isn’t working for me. Orgasmic really!
Commitment in any relationship isn’t any different. Are you really committed to yourself? A good question that I’ve asked myself many times over the years. It’s a life long process and one that I find is the most important. Like any relationship, it takes communication, love, and acceptance. The difference is we can’t leave ourselves for long eventually there we are. In my experience, the one we want to come home to is ourselves.
Photo by Aziz Acharki on Unsplash