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A Depressed Introvert: My Reluctance To Let Go Of My Inhibitions And Embrace Vulnerability

third party image source It’s been four days of continuous heavy rainfall. On top of that, I feel that I no longer can take this never-ending rattle of the heavy droplets on this awning. It’s not melodious at all. The droplets rattle so hard that even those that romanticize the rain would change their poetic-romantic […]

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It’s been four days of continuous heavy rainfall. On top of that, I feel that I no longer can take this never-ending rattle of the heavy droplets on this awning. It’s not melodious at all. The droplets rattle so hard that even those that romanticize the rain would change their poetic-romantic perception of rain!

Time flew real quick since the advent of the nationwide lockdown. It’s been three months of remote working provided with the extra workload. It’s Thursday, a typical workday and I couldn’t do more but seek some distraction from my hard labor. Same task, every day. Sometimes it seems like I have been stuck here for ages. I am well conscious I am stressed. The pain in my right shoulder and neck explains it well. Gosh! Sometimes I feel that I am a revenue-generating machine! Damn! Whither am I steering my life to? I muttered in my mind thinking of my extra pile of work.

Don’t be too hard on yourself girl, I said to myself. I drifted my gaze off the excel sheet hoping to crash into something virtually exciting on social media. The sloth in me prevented me from leaving my self-proclaimed work station (which is in a corner by a mirror coated see-through window. From which, I occasionally peek outside. Especially at the bypasser. I laugh at the fact that they would never find out that I would be scanning their presence! Nay, I don’t intend to be a typical CCTV surveillance. It’s just a way of taking my eyes off the screen because my vision has already deteriorated to minus 4. I just want to discard these geeky thick glasses. I look awfully ugly in them).

So I lazily logged into my Facebook. I choose to be here for some fresh news updates. Here, I have about 306 friends who at times react to my posts! And I can not hope for more. And top of that, it’s a place where there is always something but nothing worthwhile to be excited about. Exception for some regional news, Bollywood gossip, and sometimes horoscopes that never conform to its predictions. The only constant here is staggering 56+ pictures from my virtual friends. Some exhibiting their recipes, baking skills, some taking pleasure in family time, some with newborns, captioned with”quality time with my love and more alike”.

Hold on! It’s not that I’m complaining. It’s just because frequent superficial stuff is irksome. It’s endless, all imposing, and it’s not what I logged in for! As I scrolled down, I sighed heavily.

After a few seconds of scrolling, I paused and thought of old times. Whenever there were any occasions to celebrate or any get-together, be it a casual gathering or, official, my eyes were always affixed on my phone. Fact check: I never wanted to appear like an idiot amongst a sea of faces, amidst those familiar faces of my colleagues. I never had enough courage to strike a conversation with anyone apart from my close friends.

Now all those days before the lockdown seem like a blurry event. Back then I always complained about the crowds and cities. I was unhappy about the everyday rush. I hated the loud chatters of passengers and the clattering noise of the autos I boarded to work! Now, I miss looking at the new faces in the crowds. Mostly I miss my friends, my office besties, the fun. I miss the flamboyant aura while being around with them. But now, all there I have is this loneliness and the enclosed rooftop workstation. To be precise, I miss everything about the times when people did not take hand sanitization and face masks seriously.

The present is bitter than the past. I feel lost amidst this silence. I feel left out of this impending digital rush. There’s no other obligation apart from work. Yet I feel discouraged. I have tried tricks to overcome my adverse feelings. I have even written about these murky emotions and burnt them down a couple of times. But for no avail. Maybe I should talk to someone! I thought. perhaps to a psychologist? No, maybe I will get over with this void once this quarantining phase gets over. I will be fine when the world reverts to normal.

During my leisure, I read articles on self-help. But, they all say the same thing. They all seem a vicious lie. I am as well exceedingly exasperated with my own existence. I disgust the idea of conversations. It takes me ages to get out of bed. I have stopped talking with my relatives on the phone. Text messages from strangers and infrequent school friends drive me angry for no good reason.

I jerked myself from this prolonged reflection and started scrolling again. Here, something unusual caught my attention. It was a test to determine my aura and could determine what sort of energy I attract. The thumbnail was enticing so I ended up taking the quiz. There was a series of MCQs that I carefully read and replied to each honestly. In the end, the result flashes. It boldly read “You have an Imbalance in your Aura”.

Haha, I laughed mockingly. Should I be scared or anxious, but I did not opt for either of these sentiments. I have encountered so many losses in life. So now, it does not even matter what this measly quiz says. I have long accepted my cold existence. Despite all this, I get uncontrollably sensitive at times. I can feel the void and heaviness inside at the same time. But, I have realized it’s not worth exhibiting my vulnerabilities to the world. So, all I crave is solitude and prolonged sleep. Still, at times, I wish for the liberty to cry out loud. But, I haven’t until now. I wish we all could. At least for once. I let out a deep heavy sigh and continued looking out of the window again. Not to the bypasser this time, but at the horizons.



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