When a relationship ends suddenly, we can’t help but think if we ever meant something to the guy. Was I just a new gadget for him that soon after he got bored? There are days when I ask myself, “did he care for me”? But then I wonder, if he did, wouldn’t we still be together? But relationships aren’t as black and white as we’d like it to be.
One afternoon, out of the blue, he texted a sweet message asking me how I was doing. And if my smile had returned given how stressed I was lately. I was initially touched but soon after it turned into anger. I was angry because I had previously been crying to sleep and those painful nights were finally over. I was starting to get a hang of things; of accepting that he was no longer in my life and then his text came. All that work to let him go became fruitless as feelings of him came galloping back like an untamed horse. I was furious that he had that power over me like The British Raj had over my land, India. I felt stuck and weak as my emotions were beyond my control. That one little beep on my phone and I was an emotional wreck.
But instead of working on my mind, I blamed him. I was bitter and mean to him for texting me. I asked that he let me be so I can flush him out of my system like undigested food that sabotages your gut. To know more about him and I, read my previous entry. While I was texting him and saying how furious I was that he had the nerve to text me, he politely and lovingly apologized and explained how he simply cared and wanted to make sure I was fine. His unconditional support made it so much harder to get rid off him. It’s like my heart had decided that it was gone to him and there was nothing I could do about it. My mind went on a hunt looking for flaws or inconsistent behavior. We have a connection that I can’t explain and I just couldn’t stay cold for long. A few days later, I texted back apologizing for using a foul word because that is so not me. What did he do? He understood as always and we were back to being kind and nice to each other.
I misunderstood his kindness and thought maybe just maybe we could start over but his firm no hurt like a ton of bricks. That was when I started weeping all over again. I don’t remember a time crying over a guy this much!
I didn’t want him to be there for me, caring for me like a friend because getting over him was so much more difficult. I wanted him to want me the way he did when we first met. The question is, what changed? My life did. I got separated from my husband (yes, we had an affair which started out as an open marriage) and I didn’t know I’d fall for him and lose myself in the process.
Being with him, while brief, gave me a chance to experience what loving someone feels like. I was completely immersed in that feeling like I was in a bubble of love and safety. Being completely in the moment that nothing else truly mattered was what meditation feels like but I never knew love felt that way too. I was carried away by love whilst not wise but isn’t that how the initial stages feel like? All my years, I hadn’t experienced this intensity because my childhood and my adult years until recently were to undo the damage of childhood rape. (sorry if this makes you uncomfortable.) This Italian gave me an experience into feeling belonged, safe, loved and desired that filled my untouched heart.
Maybe he is simply the catalyst so I can see that I can love and be loved with so much passion. A glimpse to what love can feel like. Or perhaps he came into my world so I can love myself in a way that I hadn’t. Whatever the reasons were, he brought so much good even though I wanted to be angry at him for leaving. The brief encounter gave me a depth of insight that I wouldn’t have had otherwise.
When people say it’s all about timing, that’s so wrong. It isn’t about waiting for the right time because all we have is now. It is when we are ready to give and receive love and that is when someone walks in and lights up our hearts and us theirs. I can’t go back to the way I was because this experience of love has changed me forever. And that is what love does.