I don’t know about you, but I find it a lot harder to be kind to certain people in certain situations: the check-out cashier who seems angry that you chose his line, the driver who took the space you had been waiting for in a crowded parking lot or the stranger who is sitting in “your spot” in the pew in church. The aunt who will be at dinner gossiping mercilessly about your favorite cousin. The friend on Facebook posting political articles that make you wonder how you ever got to be friends.
These places, people and predicaments are the most difficult when it comes to showing kindness. But they’re our training grounds for kindness, and the opportunities that give us real insight into just how kind we’re willing to be. What I have discovered is that kindness is a nice sentiment, but being kind comes down to what you’re willing to do in the moments when your heart wants to hide and your brain wants to judge, giving you an excuse to act badly or do nothing at all.
Here are some things I try to do to step up my kindness when it’s really really hard.
- Be
cool – chill out. (Relax, don’t do it!) Why do we take everything
so personally? (As if the guy blocking the intersection and making us late
is trying to get us fired?) So much of our inability to be kind is
thinking that our agenda is more important than everyone else’s. If we
could breathe when we get irritated, take ourselves a little less
seriously, and understand that another person’s plans are as important as
ours, the middle finger could get a rest.
- Know
what sets you off, and be prepared. If you’re going into a
situation you know you’re going to find frustrating—crowded stores, long
meetings, family dinners, phone calls with tech support—be prepared.
Things aren’t pretty when we’re hungry, cold, tired, or in a hurry. Be
self-aware and talk to yourself: “Girl, you know you are tired and hungry,
so when you go into this restaurant, be kind.” Decide how you want to
handle your frustrations and annoyances, and how you might show kindness
instead of contempt. I have a friend who always makes it her business to
ask anyone who’s providing service how their day is going. Often, they
respond pleasantly surprised that anyone on the other side of the
interaction cares about them.
- Connect
with compassion. Instead of assuming the reason someone does
something that infuriates you is because they’re thoughtless or clueless
or cruel, assume it’s not the case. Suspend your judgment and keep your
heart open to the possibility that they’re having a terrible day or fighting
some battle you don’t know about. The other day, I greeted a receptionist
who seemed less than enthusiastic upon my arrival for a meeting, with her
feet up on a chair. My first thoughts were judgments: Lazy. And not very
friendly. How did she get this job? But I decided to be kind and consider
why she might be acting that way. So, I asked, in sincerity, “Did you hurt
your legs?” She responded, “Yes, I was in a bad car accident.” Because I
decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, I was able to genuinely
acknowledge this difficult ordeal and wish her a speedy recovery. Kindness
is not about being nice or fake; it’s about finding the compassion for
another even when you are insulted or annoyed.
- Watch
your mouth. Corollary to #3: Don’t assume you know someone’s
whole story. Sometimes keeping your less than generous judgments to
yourself is an act of kindness. If I’d made a snarky comment to the
receptionist above and then found out about her accident, I’d have felt
terrible and made her feel worse. And let’s watch our body language, too:
face, fingers, hips, necks, and eyes can be kind or cutting. Sometimes the
kindest thing you can do is not to grimace, point, gyrate or roll your
eyes. A smile is a powerful act of kindness especially when it’s not
expected. So if you feel the need to stare at that mother with the
squirming children on the plane, try a smile or share a look with your
eyes that says, “Don’t worry about me, I’m good. You good?” That’s the
kinder way.
- Drop
the negativity. It’s easy to find things to complain about and
criticize: Your cousin’s wedding was nice, but the chicken was rubbery and
cold—and you feel the need to talk to everyone about it. To be kinder,
push beyond the negative, try to find the positive, then share it. Tell
people what you like about what they are wearing, doing or saying. You
don’t like the fact that your nephew has tattoos all over his body, but
the quote on his forearm is profound. Tell him. You completely disagree
with your boss on something, but you like the leadership she’s showing by
being open and honest with the team. Tell her.
- Reset
yourself. If you lose your cool in a situation, don’t be afraid
to stop and change gears. I was talking on the phone once to a bank
customer service person who had called me several times about the same
issue, so on the fourth call with her, I caught an attitude. I could hear
it in my voice and feel it in my face. But I thought to myself: “Don’t you
pray every day to be kind and helpful to people? Well here’s an
opportunity.” So, I owned up to my behavior right there on the phone: “I
am so sorry. I’m treating you so badly and you’re just trying to do your
job,” I said. “There’s no reason for me to act this way.” And then
something happened that I wasn’t prepared for: The customer service rep
giggled. Then she said, “That’s okay.” I apologized again and ask if we
could start over. The call went better than well: She found more money for
me!
- Don’t
abuse your power. When we’re in the power position, I notice we
have to work harder to be kinder. Whether we’re bosses with subordinates,
parents with children, or patrons with wait staff or customer service
people, the power can make us nasty, lazy or inconsiderate. The things we
say to our children, for example—the venom we throw their way—is sometimes
unbelievable. When you take the time to explain to a child a decision that
is difficult for them to accept, or ask the opinion of someone you
supervise who disagrees with you, it’s a kinder kindness than “because I
said so” or “because I can.”
With every move we make toward kindness, we get to check our presumptions and biases—and the people on the other side of the interactions have an opportunity to adjust their preconceived notions as well. And when we move in real time to affirm the humanity of others we meet an evolving version of ourselves that makes us hopeful. Let’s all do our part as often as we can to keep our world spinning toward greater peace and possibility.
I’d love to hear about the times you’ve managed to be kind when it wasn’t easy. Share your stories with the hashtag #KindOfHard