I wanted to teach women how to create an amazing connection in their current relationships. I wanted to teach them what I had discovered – it only takes one person to save a marriage – and that person is you!
I had no idea that how deep this personal transformation would be for the women I worked with. Not only did they redefine relationships, love and healthy connection increase, but health, career, relationships and interaction with family members, self-confidence, self-belief, the ability to champion others, to become leaders rather than reactionaries – these are a few of the by-products of making a decision to take control of your romantic happiness.
It seems that the success of your long-term committed relationship is fundamental to your long-term success in life.
Fast forward to the end of your life, sitting on your rocking chair (lying on the beach/climbing a mountain/however you see yourself celebrating your life), what will a successful life look like and will you be punching the air shouting “YES! I lived it, I loved it!” or will your thoughts be tinged with sadness and regret?
People often imagine that a successful relationship is one which endures the tests of time, I’m not wholly convinced, a successful relationship is where both partners feel supported to grow into the best versions of themselves and with this growth can come a growing apart. Being able to see the beauty in the relationship, feel gratitude for all it allowed and to move on in love and grace – this surely is a success.
I do however truly believe that whatever the problem, breakdown in communication, lack of passion, different views of the world, these can be resolved, not in couples counselling (if you want my views on that you can read them here Couples Counselling Can Be Bad For Your Marriage), but when one individual within the partnership is willing and courageous enough to take a journey of self-discovery, for it is in this journey that the solution will be found. It is whilst concentrating on your own relationship with self that you will begin to reconstruct with your partner (and not only).
Over the years I have worked with very many women, who were looking to address lack of communication, a sense of disconnection and a fear that their marriage was doomed.
With so much time and headspace invested in trying to resolve this problem (studies show that most couples spend around 5 years in this unhappiness before acknowledging the problem and heading for counselling or a divorce) is it any wonder that when your relationship is on the rocks it affects every other area of your life, including your self-confidence levels and sense of self-worth.
Where attention goes energy flows!
Spending so much time thinking, re-thinking, over thinking and planning how to get your marriage back on track inevitably erodes success in other areas of your life.
Your health – your body knows! What are you suffering, for years I had chronic arthritis, both bog standard one and latterly rheumatoid arthritis. Both of these are linked with deep-rooted anger and a belief that you are unlovable (who knew – I certainly didn’t see myself as an angry person and sure I felt unlovable – but hell if you had done all the things I’d done to survive – then you’d be pretty unlovable too!)
When I began to look at myself in terms of my relationships – the most amazing thing happened – I healed physically.
Other’s I’ve worked with who have been in damaging relationships either with significant others carry excess weight – a protection, keeping people at bay? One of the by-products of working with me is improved body image – when self-esteem and self-love are driving forces we don’t punish our bodies by starving them or feeding them.
Your career – Oh how easy it is to get busy in business, working long hours, avoiding home-time, justifying the time you spend on your business or career – it’s necessary to succeed – right? But if you scratch below the surface just a little, and you are willing to look honestly at your pattern for just a moment, you will know what is necessary and what is avoidance.
On an altogether different note – how successful will any career be when it is being built as a direct response to unhappiness in another area of your life? Does this smell of success?
Children – as human beings, we feel the truth in our bodies, our gut, our hearts. Call it our intuition. Children know because they feel the truth. What happens then, if you deny and refute their feelings? You confuse the hell out of them. When what we feel and what we hear are out of sync we begin to question ourselves. So in our desperate attempts to shield our children from the truth – what we in fact do is create their process of disconnection. They are taught that adults know best – so if mum tells them that all is well and they feel that all is not well, who are they to believe – their gut or their mother?
And here begins the journey of distrust and dis-empowerment.
If one doesn’t trust themselves it is impossible to trust others, we create children who grow into adults who are either mistrustful and distant – as if they aren’t a part of the world – or adults who are overly reliant on other people, who can’t and won’t trust themselves and are constantly looking for validation from others.
So beware of the just how you are protecting your children, your best intentions can create lifelong problems.
You Can Have It All
We can have it – a great relationship, a great career, loving friendships – but only when you aren’t pitting one area of your life against another – and only when you believe that you deserve it.
If you are struggling in your relationship, with communication problems, lack of trust and a feeling that stalemate is quickly heading towards checkmate, but the idea of divorce fills you with fear and dread then schedule a no obligation “Connection Call” with me and I will help you get totally clear on what you can do to create healthy reconnection with your partner and watch the ripple effect across all areas of your life.