I don’t have a crystal ball so I’m not able to glimpse into your past, but I know I can safely say someone has done you wrong at some point in your life.
While these are not the most comforting times in our lives, they shape who we are, how we measure society, and how our brain develops social skills.
Recently, I have been working on a new book called Forced to Forgive, and I have found some astounding research which should prompt you to want to move on with your life. But before I can show you, I need you to have a sense of self realization within yourself.
In other words, you cannot move on until you have faced your problems, fears, or whatever it is keeping you at this painful point in your life.
Let’s talk about it…
There’s a song with a line saying ‘Dirty deeds, done dirt cheap’. The dirty deed IS a cheap transaction and doesn’t cost the doer anything. However, it can end up being very expensive on your end mentally, which is why most people have a hard time forgiving others because of certain past situations.
Either way, these deeds can create mental and emotional distress which causes you to feel hatred, hurt, worry, etc. Or perhaps you have found yourself constantly thinking about the person who did this to you. Whatever it may be, it has consumed you and your life totally and completely.
Not only are you unforgiving, but now you find yourself holding a grudge against your aggressor.
You’ve got to let it go.
In fact, the Mayo Clinic produced a study which shares several reasons why forgiveness can help you both mentally and physically. Some of which is improved heart health and lower blood pressure.
Now you have found yourself judging everyone’s actions based on past experiences and it hampers your opportunities to create meaningful relationships with people who really care about you.
The deed is certainly dirty.
However, you must remember you have the control to live a life full of purpose and pleasure.
Are you ready to start?
Many times when someone does something which hurts you, you tend to create personas for yourself in which you think people see.
What I’m talking about is getting hurt can lead to lower self esteem and cause you to question why someone would do something this hurtful to you. In essence, you create a pity party for your situation and grab as many people on your side as you possibly can. This is the mind’s reaction to the hurt and it helps in boosting confidence in your own self.
When something happens, you tend to put yourself down and possibly putting the other person in a higher standard. Since they did what they did to you, the must have a good reason. Or possibly they could be right and you were wrong. But it still hurts. Therefore, you create a downgraded opinion of yourself and you cannot possibly forgive the person because of the way they made you feel about yourself.
Another identifier is guilt. What if all of this is your fault?
While you try to do the best you can do, and be the best person you can be, perhaps you made a mistake which is why all of these situations evolved in the first place? What if everything happening to you right now is because of something you did or prompted?
Guilt brings about a spirit of fear and it clouds your mind to possible outcomes which could be positive in your life. It also makes you begin second guessing yourself and the decisions you make.
You need to identify why you cannot forgive the person in question. Usually the answer points right back at you. If you had only done it a certain way this situation would have never happened, or if you hadn’t said what you did three months ago they would have never approached you like they did.
If you’re living a life of unforgiveness right now, you need to stop and take note of your inner self and begin searching for reasons why you cannot forgive. It’s not because you simply don’t care about the situation, or you have a mindset of, they can do what they want, I could care less what they think, mantra.
You are in control of your life. This means you cannot control what others do, only yourself.
Johns Hopkins medicine did a study on forgiveness and your health. Their research discovered conflict just doesn’t weigh down your spirit, it can lead to physical health issues.
Studies have found that the act of forgiveness can reap huge rewards for your health, lowering the risk of heart attack; improving cholesterol levels and sleep; and reducing pain, blood pressure, and levels of anxiety, depression and stress. And research points to an increase in the forgiveness-health connection as you age.
Karen Swartz, M.D. director of the Mood Disorders Adult Consultation Clinic at The Johns Hopkins Hospital, explains how chronic anger can put your body in fight or flight mode, which results in numerous changes in your heart rate, blood pressure, and immune response.
Those changes, then, increase the risk of depression, heart disease and diabetes, among other conditions. Forgiveness, however, calms stress levels, leading to improved health.
You are allowing someone to literally control your health when you allow them to get under your skin.
The most important thing you can do is to forgive yourself. When you go through rough patches in your life, learn from them. It would be great if you could shake hands with the person who did you wrong and live the rest of your life as friends, but the truth of the matter is, sometimes it doesn’t happen like this.
When these situations arise, and you cannot find retribution with your aggressor, you need to forget about it.
If you have made the correct attempts at forgiveness, tried to contact them or talk to them, and have did everything you know to do to put it behind you with a face to face talk…and they still wouldn’t comply, drop it.
Learn what you did which caused them to react to you in this way and make sure you adjust yourself accordingly because you don’t want this to happen again.
You are only human. You are going to make mistakes in your life. You have to love yourself and be confident in the choices you make. Keep living the best life you know how to do.
If people are talking about you behind your back, then there’s a reason they’re back there in the first place.
Forgiveness is all about your mental state of mind. Emotionally, you want to be accepted by everyone. But you will never be accepted, nor liked, by everyone you come into contact with.
Be cordial and keep living your life with purpose and vigor. Life is too short to be worried about what someone else did. They cannot affect you unless you allow them.
If this post helped you, hit the heart button and send me a comment below and I’ll do my best to help you through your situation.
Originally published at medium.com