Is This Depression? No, It’s Enlightenment.


I had a dream last night that a voice was talking to me about the 4th Ascension.

Am I there? Was I going there? What even is it?

I have no idea.

I woke up soon after and I don’t remember anything else.

I am rubbish at remembering my dreams. I usually hit the pillow, black out and wake up groggy for the new day.

I’ve always thought powerful things happen in my dreams. Too powerful for me even to consciously remember.

That’s the way I like to console myself for not being able to be part of the dream analysis club.

The last few days have been heavy. Like someone’s slowly pouring concrete down through the top of my head. As it sinisterly slithers it’s way through me, I begin to grind to a halt. Every movement is at half the usual speed and I can’t even open my mouth, let alone let out sound.


There’s pain too.

Where my third eye sits.

Like there’s a little pick axe chipping away but getting no where. No light is coming in.

Just more darkness.

Sounds kind of depressing doesn’t it?

But I’m really not depressed.


I’ve been in states of depression before and this is different.

I describe depression as darkness without knowledge.

This time, I have knowledge. I have a feeling that it’s all for a purpose.

It’s just the storm before the calm.

I say I don’t know what the 4th ascension is all about, but that’s my rational mind trying to make me sound ‘normal’. Like I’ve not gone hippy loopy.

I’m not going hippy loopy. I’m shifting.

I’m shifting energetically.

I’m not the only one. We are all sensitive to the energy that ebbs and flows around our planet.

We are all energy and energy vibrates.

I’m raising my vibration.

Up until this week I have been like an energiser bunny, bustling about, making shit happen, high in energy, high in spirit and then suddenly, BAM. This week hits me like a 4 tonne lorry and I just stop.

Something inside of me hits the breaks.


This week I wasn’t going to get up and be productive in the usual way.

No routine. Fuck routine.

This week I was going to follow the flow of my heart. I was going to get up and do what the hell I liked, moment by moment. And I wasn’t going to feel bad about it.

The Guilt is always here, creeping around the corner, but I’m just knocking it back SAS style every time it tries to consume me.

Yes, I have a business to keep afloat, but so what?

Why can’t I just rest and nurture? Why can’t I just sit and read, or walk and think?

It’s taken me 35 years to learn that this is all part of the process.

Sometimes we have to stop and allow ourselves time to rejuvenate. Give ourselves time to pull all parts of ourselves back together. Especially when living in London, where everything is NOW and FAST. Where every waking moment can be spent pouring ourselves into social media, watching tiny parts of our soul float away with every scroll.

It’s taken me 35 years to understand that it’s ok to do what I FEEL.

No one is going to die.

Nothing is going to go wrong.

Just stop and feel.

In these moments of re-calibration, I go deep within.

Almost into shutdown mode.

Almost. But not quite.

I rarely speak or see others. I seek stillness and quiet.

My boyfriend has been coming home from work every night and he’s not sure what to make it of it.

‘Are you ok? You’re not like yourself?”

“I’m fine.” I retort.

I don’t even have the energy to tell him what it is I am feeling. If I’m honest, at this stage I don’t even know myself. I just know that I am safe. I trust that I’m okay and that what is happening is for my highest good.

I chose to feel this way.

I triggered this feeling.

I wanted to delve deep and face my fears and clear my blocks.

You can’t make that choice and not expect to feel heavy. It’s all part of the process.

Most of you reading this might not resonate at all with what I’m saying about vibrations and energy. But I know you have times where you feel the way I do.

You’re human. Of course you do.

I just want you to know that you are not alone. (MJ was spot on.)

It’s all par for the course. Everything cannot be light and breezy all the time. We are bound to have dark times. It’s about learning how to deal with those times. It’s about easing off yourself, and allowing yourself to feel that way.

Stopping the resistance makes it 10 times easier to deal with.

So wallow.

But wallow with the notion that there is light at the end of the tunnel. And it gets lighter and brighter every time you make this shift.

It’s always darkest before the dawn. That’s the saying isn’t it?

It’s always darkest before the dawn.

Originally published at medium.com

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