Wisdom//

The Difference Between Self-Acceptance and Self-Confidence

It comes down to how we talk to ourselves.

Getty Images
Getty Images

I was having lunch with a friend of mine the other day. She was sharing with me how she feels very confident in certain areas in her life, but in other areas, in more personal aspects of her life — relationships for example — she feels less confident, and more vulnerable and insecure. We started a wonderful conversation about self-confidence versus self-acceptance. I so identify with it because there are areas in my life where I feel extremely confident and secure, and there are other parts of myself that still feel marginalized and excluded. It takes a lot of courage to address and face all aspects of ourselves. 

Parts of us grow up and master careers and professional lives, and we become accomplished, but how do we deal with the parts of us that are uncertain? For example, sometimes there are certain things you want in your life, but you can’t seem to move forward — whether in relationships, finances, career, weight loss — and you feel stuck in one place. Instead of trying to look confident, like you imagine everyone else is, own the fact that in this part of your life, you feel insecure, vulnerable, and uncertain. If you allow that feeling to be OK, and not judge it, and if you accept it and embrace it, you might find that you relax into it. And you’ll find that you can actually experience yourself beyond those feelings, as a result of you not denying them.

The paradox is that you can feel confident in the unknown — in the imperfections of your life. We wait for everything to be perfect before we feel confident. We need more than a confidence boost; we need a self-acceptance boost! Don’t be deceived by appearances. Beneath the surface of others’ confidence, they might be hiding insecurities that they don’t want anybody to see. That creates a discrepancy. If you make the leap to accepting all parts of yourself — accepting, embracing, and not judging them — you might be surprised how much courage you’ll finally have to say what you want to say, voice your feelings, ask for support, have a sense of humor about your inadequacies, and tell yourself, “Relax. I am a masterpiece and a work in progress at the same time — and God isn’t finished with me yet.” 

What we call our insecurities and the places where we’re lacking are the very things that can be endearing about us. Think of a child growing up, and how many things they have yet to learn — and yet you would never judge them as lacking in anything. You just nurture them to learn new skills and shower them with acceptance of who they are, and encourage them along the way. Why are we any different toward ourselves? When did we give up our tender, nurturing voice to ourselves, and instead became a task master? Look at the areas of your life where you are rejecting yourself, because you’re not living up to your level of confidence. It’s time to give yourself a break from the self-imposed ideas about how you should be that are keeping you stuck, and open up the field of self-acceptance. 

Here’s my guided meditation to help you move to the zone of self-acceptance. Please enjoy it and relish in the joy of self-acceptance. 

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