Life hurts, and we have all been through some pretty rough things. Maybe it was a terrible relationship, maybe it was illness or death of a loved one. Maybe it was just watching other people make bad choices.
No matter what experiences you have had in the past, they have shaped you.
They affect how you make decisions today.
Whatever it is that you are struggling with, there appears to be a constant theme…
Why am I so broken?
I’m not worth [fill in the blank here].
Just stay out of the way.
I’m not helping anyone, why bother?
I know these feelings all too well. Wanna see an excerpt from my own journal about these things? On August 2, 2018, I wrote the following:
Satan is after me pretty harsh tonight. The things I keep hearing include but are not limited to:
No guy is ever going to like you.
I never get attention.
I am not worth the attention.
I just get in the way of relationships.
I am a third wheel.
Guys wish I wasn’t around.
I was tolerated at Banff because Rachael wanted me there and they like Rachael.
Just stay out of the way.
I am not helping anyone.
And so forth. It hurts and I feel these things deeply tonight. I found myself praying that Satan is lying to me again and how much it hurt. But then I had a thought… what if it isn’t all lies? What if that isn’t how Satan works? From all of the reading I have been doing from Ben Hardy, I choose my reality. Yes, that might be truth right now… but it doesn’t have to stay that way. I choose who and how I want to be. This is a much more empowering thought than the feeling of being attacked. That leads to feelings of helplessness. But I own my demons. I know my faults and weaknesses. And that alone takes away their power. They are there but I am going to put them aside in favor of another and more important story. One in which I am a princess. One in which others can see that royalty I have in me because it radiates from my being. One in which I am strong and capable and desirable. One in which I am happy.
And just like that… it’s gone. Much faster than fighting it and a lot less work. Yes, those above statements may exist.
You know, in reading about the Fall, I have often wondered what exactly the lie was that the serpent told Eve. He didn’t exactly lie. The truth was there. It could co-exist at the same time because it hadn’t happened yet. Adam and Eve owned up to their mistakes. It happened. But they accepted the larger truth rather than a smaller truth. The larger truth is to trust in the Lord and His promises. The more important truth of the existence of a Savior. The bigger picture, not the smaller problem.
And isn’t it amazing how I have pondered this question for years with no answer until I also felt burdened by Satan and the weight of what he says? Until I could learn to accept it and let it go because I don’t want it, truth or not.
There is another option when I trust the Lord. He will help me write a better ending than I could have dreamed and show I was right about this girl all along. She may be weak and insecure on occasion, but that is because she is human. She is one of the best she knows!
She has accomplished marvelous things.
The biggest takeaway? That I am not broken. It’s obviously taken me some time to figure this out and to really grasp what I started all those months ago.
It seems to be a repeated theme in my life.
When I was 17, I first started making noises I couldn’t control and I didn’t know why. It didn’t bother me any more than a cough, sneeze or hiccup occasionally inconvenienced my life.
It wasn’t the noises themselves that bothered me, it was other people’s reactions. As well-intentioned and curious as they were, they asked what I had tried in order to make them go away. They suggested various remedies that ranged from drinking oil (to fix the squeaky organ and was said in jest) to hiccup cures to essential oils to suggesting I see a doctor for medication. All of this came unsolicited. I didn’t mind the noises and didn’t see why they were such a big deal.
What I did mind was that people kept trying to fix me. Confession, I started to claim Tourette Syndrome long before I was officially diagnosed just to get some people to back off because they wouldn’t leave me alone about it.
I felt like less of a person around these people that continually asked, “Have you tried this? What about this? Do you think this would stop them?”
One of my favorite phrases is, “Not my circus, not my monkeys.” These noises, however, ARE my circus, and they ARE my monkeys. And I LOVE my monkeys.
So bringing it all back together…
Both of these stories remind me that I am ok the way that I am. It doesn’t matter what other people think of me. The biggest change comes from what I think of me.
The biggest change comes from standing in my own power. From owning my mistakes and my demons. In the book Mindset, Carol Dweck says “…when people already know they’re deficient, they have nothing to lose by trying.”
Read that again, but this time, pay attention to the wording she uses. I love that she uses the word deficient. According to the Oxford Dictionary, deficient is not having enough.
We may be imperfect, but that is because we are a work in progress. We are not a finished piece that has been destroyed. Your story isn’t finished. We are constantly growing and obtaining through our experiences and the relationships we have with others. The game isn’t over. When we can look at our lives and see what we lack, we can obtain more.
“Why waste time proving over and over how great you are, when you could be getting better?” — Carol Dweck, Mindset
We can’t be broken until we are finished, and good news, this life is a continual learning process. My sweet grandmother, despite being in her 80’s, will still say, “When I grow up…” If she isn’t done learning and growing, what makes me think that I am?
I am not a bowl that has been shattered to the ground. I am still being shaped on the potter’s wheel.
We are an unfinished painting, being made richer by the added colors and textures of relationships and experiences. Some colors may be bright, others dull. Some lines will be smooth and some will be rough.
Whatever kind of metaphor you want to use, please see the difference between broken and unfinished.
I’m going to sound like a scratched record, but I’m going to say it again for the people in the back: YOU ARE NOT BROKEN.
You are whole. You are enough. You are important. You have a purpose. You have several gifts and talents. You are AWESOME.
Not sure you believe it?
I have created an 8 question guide to help you find your strengths, sometimes even out of traits you think are the worst. So let me prove it to you.
CLICK HERE and I’ll email my free guide to finding your strengths. I’ll send it directly to your inbox for free and I promise not to share your email with anyone. Completely safe. What have you got to lose?