You know the truth by the way it feels

A reflection on how following an initial gut feeling over logic proved to be incredibly beneficial

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An overwhelming inner feeling led me to move out of my NYC apartment in December. Prior to this, I had spent 8 weeks at home where I grew up in New Jersey, and somewhere along that time, I was being drawn to come back, to leave the place I had called home for almost 3 and a half years. Some may argue it was due to the fact that I had just went through recovering from a traumatic injury which arose while running down the city streets and that I subconsciously connected this experience with being in the city generally. I, alternatively, attribute it to my intuition nudging me to get out for reasons I may have not been able to articulate at the time.

The idea of moving out first arose during one of my journaling sessions following a meditation. The information seemingly came out of left field and quite honestly had me immediately resisting the words as soon as they were written down.

“No. I can’t leave, yet. It’s not time to move back to the suburbs. There is still so much I can do, explore here. We just moved into a new apartment. My commute is the best it may ever be. This is just a phase. One brought up as a result of the last few weeks. I can’t go back yet.”

This narrative, negating the overwhelmingly strong push to start thinking and planning through making the move. The only positive argument in all of it was I’d be saving money by not paying my over inflated Manhattan apartment rent. Aside from that, my logical mind listed out every negative reason why I shouldn’t entertain the idea. Despite how clearly my logic laid out the pros and cons, a strikingly clear knowing permeated my consciousness as the days passed.

This knowing was perplexing to me at the time. Previously, my instinct had pushed me towards things that I could at least partially envision the path forward as a result of the decision. However, moving out of the city so abruptly was not something I previously considered at any point prior. Because of this, I began to increasingly second guess it and wondered why in the world I was moving forward with a decision that logically contradicted all that I had thought about prior to that point.

For quite a few days I wrestled with this information. Meditating, journaling, repeating again and again to try and either push out or better understand why this feeling continued to come up. Sometime during that period, I relinquished control. I released the need to know why this feeling was coming up and instead leaned into trusting it. As demonstrated countless times prior, there were things that happened for reasons beyond our control and understanding. My accident just weeks prior showing up for me as the most recent example. Once I let go of trying to understand why and took the first step of articulating this feeling to my fiancé, the timeline for the move went quicker than I could have ever planned.

I write this now because I’ve had this come up numerous times over the past few months. With the current state of our world, my fiancé and I were chatting about what may have been if we had never moved in December. We predicted that we would have likely come back to NJ instead of sheltering in our apartment. We moved out at the beginning of December and at the time, we couldn’t have predicted all that changed since that point. We joke that “we got so lucky” but a part of me knows that it wasn’t luck at all. It is in this realization that I find gratitude for my decision to trust my instinct. While it was by no means easy, I choose to move forward with my inner knowing versus the logical argument that would have kept me there. This decision, serving as a simple reminder of how powerful our inner knowing can be in our lives. Sometimes, at the surface, these feelings may contradict our initial perspective or plan. Though, with time, we are offered the chance to look back and watch the story unfold. These times serving as clear examples of the incredible power of our instinct.

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