You might be in the throes of confusion; either at the end, or nearly at the end, of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship. This might have happened years ago and you still haven’t quite got over it…
Why are these types of relationships so hard to heal from?
The damage caused puts you in to a state of confusion, you have no idea abuse is taking place; it is like Chinese water torture, it happens very very slowly and it turns you insane!
There seems to be a common thread running through these relationships. There is a cycle and like the seasons they move seamlessly from one to another, until one day someone says stop. Just like Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter we have Idealisation, Devaluation and Discard merging in to one another revolving round and round.
At the very beginning of the relationship, everything you said and did was watched and noted.
You were swept off your feet with compliments, gifts, days out, meals out, your every need was catered for.
They told you about all the people who have been before you, how they had never met anyone who understood them like you did…
They made sure you were aware of why a relationship had ended; WHY? They make sure you know if you were to repeat this you would be an ex also. And although you are not aware of it, you duly make a mental note never to repeat that. After all this is the best relationships you have ever had, this person knows you so well and you have so much in common. You are investing more in to protecting this relationship and protecting yourself.
They may use tactics like triangulation; triangulation is used to instil feelings of jealousy and insecurity.
When you look at a triangle you can see the three points…
This strategy, seamlessly slips into the relationship over a period of time. It is designed to make you feel jealous and insecure, where under normal circumstances, you normally wouldn’t think twice about it.
They may use a person of the opposite sex to create these feelings in you. They have done their homework and if they pick up and insecurity around say weight, it could be someone they know who has turned their life around and lost 100lbs… They will be watching for the reaction, it might be a flicker at first but if they keep quoting the name and pushing your button, with each mention or dig they are creating the desired effect.
You may now feel anxious, suspicious, and insecure every time you hear about this person.
And if you say anything they may call you delusional or needy, how could you say such things to them, because after all this is all your fault.
The oscar winning actor will calmly claim they don’t understand what you are talking about, how dare you accuse them of XYZ…
They are just telling you about their day…
They may change the names of people when it suits OR they may use an Ex. Where this person at the beginning of your relationship was criticised for a certain behaviour, when appropriate that will change and the Triangulation will start with them.
Remember their Crazy Ex? They may now be quoted in a positive way…
This behaviour is what can keep you trapped at the end of a relationship… Unable to move on!
You have been drip fed over a period of time, information claiming you can’t live without them. Very gradually they start to take over your life.
They create scenarios that make you feel jealous and insecure. They have built you up to be the most amazing person, they showered with attention you may never has experienced before. They then chip away little bit by little bit very subtly.
When the relationship is finally over you are left confused. You are left with questions and a lot of people have the same ones ‘what if’ and ‘if only’.
There is nothing you could have done any differently or said anything different. This was always going to happen.
The kindest thing you can do it be really kind to yourself! Allow the healing to happen, there is a massive gift that you have been given! Finding the Original Wound is key. Giving yourself permission to put yourself first! CRY as much as you can. You will not only be going through a grieving process, you could possibly need to recover from CPTSD.
The sad reality is they are the ones that are the insecure! As an empath you possibly saw their damaged inner child and wanted to help them.
Now is the time it heal yourself!