When I was 17 years old, I started to blame everything on someone else.
I blamed Life for making my dad sick so I could no longer go away to school.
I blamed my mom for asking me to stay.
And because my mom never told me what was going on with my dad, I spent the first two years of university in my bed.
And also in my head.
Because I was 17 years old and the world revolved around me.
So all my thoughts were about me.
And as the years went on, I started to blame me too.
For not doing anything to help my mom.
For being selfish and thinking it was all about me.
And for taking it all out on my mom.
For years afterward, I was filled with such shame that I could no longer look my mom in the eye.
Because I simply couldn’t let go of the thoughts that I let my mom down.
And for any daughter, to think you have lost a parent’s approval is devastating.
So for years, I carried around the weight of my thoughts.
Where I never thought I could be forgiven for what I did.
Or in my case, didn’t do.
And you know what allowed me to finally release the blame?
The Understanding of how We Are All Still Learning.
I am still learning.
My mom is still learning too.
Learning how to express how she feels so I can know what to do.
Learning how to stop thinking she needs to do it alone and protect her children from the realities of Life.
Learning how her children are stronger than she thinks and could have helped her through it all rather than bear the burden on her own.
And once I was able to see how We Are All Still Learning, I learned how to let go of the thoughts that kept me in the Guilt and the Shame, the Anger and the Blame.
Because I realized how there can be no blame when we are all still learning.
There can be no blame when I am still learning too.
Learning that all my mom wanted me to do was stay.
And that was enough to give her the strength to do it on her own.
Learning that my mom never thought any of the thoughts I learned to think about me.
And all she wanted to do was say Thank You but she simply didn’t know how.
Which is why there is nothing to be forgiven.
Because We Are All Still Learning.
Learning how to arrive at the Understanding.
So we can understand what we are doing.
So the other person can understand too.
My name is Isabel Mar and I am your gentle guide back to you. Who you are. Not who you think you should be.
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