In a culture of quick, easy, and more, we are misguided into a place of constant dissatisfaction.
A perpetual cycle of believing it’s not the right match for us if chemistry and in-love do not happen instantaneously comes easy and without effort.
And that more dating options equal a better match.
All these misconceptions led to dissatisfaction, unhappiness, and failed relationships.
The book “the paradox of choice: Why more is less” creates a case for why more choice is detrimental to our well-being.
In a dating culture where apps are the go-to solution and options are endless, we often treat others as disposable.
Dating used to be a slow and organic process where you meet at a course, study, work, etc., and slowly got to know each other.
The abundance of choice makes us try to speed this up and anticipate a quick connection with someone we don’t know at all, and we mistake this instantaneous chemistry for compatibility.
Chemistry or love, at first sight, is a horrible predictor of long-term compatibility and love.
It’s shows nothing about relationship compatibilities such as life goals, attachment styles, love languages, how someone deals with conflict, communication styles, and more.
The quick and more culture is leading us to less satisfaction and more failure in dating.
Here is why more choice is not better:
Disappointment:
The more options we have, the more likely we are to be disappointed in our choices.
You never feel that you made the best decision, and you often wonder what better options you might have missed.
This causes dissatisfaction because of comparison and expectations that are infatuated.
It also leads to less willingness to invest the effort that a relationship requires as it can seem easier to jump to the next option, where we likely repeat the same patterns and end up in the same place.
Anxiety:
Too much choice can cause anxiety for some.
The constant pressure to make decisions and decide based on lack of information and limited data causes anxiety.
The burden of too much choice can also make us overthink and doubt our decisions leading to further anxiety.
Dehumanization:
An excessive choice, such as dating apps, causes dehumanization as we no longer see people face-to-face and their emotional reactions.
Empathy is switched off, and we treat each other as disposable without any concern for the impact on the other.
We have become so accustomed to the abundance of choice.
Today’s dating culture has created a slow decline in empathy and increased dehumanizing behavior.
We date multiple people at the same time with no regard for the impact on others.
Not to mention that it makes it harder to open up and create a real connection when you know others are checking out other options, and you might get dumped with a text message.
Both empathy and connection suffer from this.
The solution is what I call “one story at a time.”
Get to know one person, and then if it does not work out, go date someone else but give each other some time to get to know each other without the distraction of other options.
You will find more intimacy, safety, and empathy, and we sorely need that in both our dating lives and humanity.
Expectations impact satisfaction and romanization create an expectation that love should not take effort.
It should be effortless, and we fall in love and live happily ever after.
This is based on a fantasy that continues to cause pain and destruction in our dating lives and relationships.
What people refer to as chemistry, love at first sight, etc., is chemical drug addiction.
It is the same as taking a drug, and as good as it might feel, it, like any drug, will not last, and it’s an obsession, and while in this state, you do not see who the other person is.
You see an idealized version that your mind carefully constructs based on stories you tell yourself.
Getting to know a person takes time.
I know we want to rush, but there are no shortcuts to love.
Love is safety/trust, vulnerability, acceptance, support, and all these take time and effort and are not quick.
They require a complex set of social and emotional skills.
Navigating romantic relationships is one of the most challenging tasks we will ever face.
Yes, we have been made to believe it should just work out automatically if we feel the “chemistry.”
Two people with different backgrounds, expectations, attachment styles, love languages, needs, boundaries, and goals are bound to misunderstand each other and have conflict and disagreements.
This is natural, and if you had been given the skills to navigate this, these moments are opportunities for more connection.
Instead, they often cause relationships to fall apart because we don’t know how to navigate them.
Before we date anyone else and involve other people, we should focus on ourselves and gain self-awareness.
That is an essential skill to relate well with others.
No one can read your mind, so if you don’t know your expectations, needs, boundaries, triggers, love language, and goals, you will be unlikely to get what you want from a relationship.
Relationships are not meant to be easy, and more choice does not equal more satisfaction.