By Mary Joye, LMHC
Getting over a narcissist may seem impossible and but it’s not. It feels insurmountable because narcissists methodically condition you to be subconsciously dependent on them. It may feel like love, but it isn’t. It’s a trauma bond.
Education about the severity of trauma bonds and the physiological components of them will help you regain your sense of self. Like an addict quitting a substance, leaving a narcissist is an anxiety producing withdrawal process in the short term. However, the delayed gratification of the clarity, power, and freedom you will gain long term, is well worth the effort. When you can deconstruct the dynamics of a narcissistic trauma bond, you can reconstruct your life with good boundaries, never to be trapped again.
Every worthy quest begins with a question. Many blindsided by narcissistic abuse find themselves asking a lot of them such as:
- Did this person ever love me?
- Why do I still love someone who hurt me so much?
- I broke up with this person so why do I miss him or her so much?
- This person was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde…Which one was the real one?
The last question is the easiest to answer. There is no Dr. Jekyll, there is only Mr. Hyde, and he is hiding behind a façade to control you with false promises and deceit.
Another question asked is:
- Did this person know what they were doing?
The answer to this is more complex. They know what they are doing but may not know whythey systematically attract and discard people. They take pleasure in another’s pain, which is known as “Schadenfreude”. They are driven by a fear of abandonment and secretly loathe themselves and can’t be alone. Many narcissists need an entourage to relieve their hidden misery and will often simultaneously keep more than one person in play. They twist their targets into developing a fear of abandonment and this is done with intermittent reinforcement techniques. The best question to ask is,
- “What can I do about it?”
An expedited way to get over a narcissist is to understand how intermittent reinforcement creates a trauma bond. With education you can then work toward being conscious of your subconscious and how they applied your physiological reactivity to get you to doubt yourself and believe them. The bond is further strengthened through love bomb/discard cycles. They build up a pedestal for you and then knock it down when you least expect it. They usually combine some form of isolation in this process to keep you away from those who truly love and care about you. When you think about it, a pedestal is a lonely and precarious place to be if it topples and a narcissist will make sure you do.
If you were raised in a traumatic environment or are codependent this makes you more susceptible to a trauma bond. It may feel like you can’t live without them, but this “addictive” response releases feel good chemicals such as dopamine and endorphins when they are loving toward you. When they discard you, your body becomes flooded with stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline and you chase after them to feel better again. This is the chemical mechanism that keeps you physically hooked to them, but you can detoxify this relationship.
You break intermittent reinforcement by pushing through the anxiety and staying insulated with real friends instead of isolated with the narcissist. Be true to yourself and socialize more with people who are supportive and make you feel good. Don’t talk about the narcissist, talk about your great future without one ever being in your life again. Taking a vacation with friends and meeting new people is also a great way to reset your brain. It is also crucial to work on your self-esteem in solitude or with a therapist. Self-care begins with being self-aware.
Another reason it’s hard to break the bond is because of your “cognitive dissonance”. This is when you hold two incongruent beliefs at the same time. You know the narcissist is bad for you, but you want to believe they can change. They seldom, if ever, change and they lack empathy for you and even themselves because most narcissists end up lonely later in life. You can’t get them to see how much damage they have done to you no matter how much you explain it. They also can’t see ahead to how harming others may cause them harm but don’t try to rescue them. If you feel sorry for them you will be further trapped by them provoking your sympathy, which is another tool of their deceit.
If you feel you can’t “just leave” and you’re not ready, embrace the process and make as much progress as you can. When you recognize their behaviors and your part in maintaining the bond, you will be able to detach. As you attach to others who care about you, you will love yourself more. In doing so, you will be able to achieve a peaceful indifference toward them and begin to care more about yourself than you ever thought possible though it may feel selfish at first. Simply making a choice to extricate yourself from a trauma bond motivates your brain to do the work it takes to exit.
It’s important you don’t blame yourself for not knowing better as this bond was made at a subconscious level. You can’t break a pattern until you see it, but you can learn to develop an aversion to narcissists instead of instant attractions. Trauma bonds often begin with instant attraction, and this is usually reenactment of a narcissistic parent or caregiver. The brain seeks the familiar and the root word of familiar is family. As you see how your past attachment issues may be playing out in your adult relationships the insight will give you foresight. This will result in you only wanting healthy relationships in the future. The bonds will be finally, completely be broken and your anxiety will dissipate and your self-esteem will elevate.
A quote from my new Book “Codependent Discovery and Recovery 2.0” A Holistic Approach to Healing and Freeing Yourself” (HCI, 2021) will help you understand how getting over the narcissist is a battle you can win!
“A narcissist loves to subversively bend others to their will, and a codependent is a subconsciously willing participant. A narcissist loves you just like you aren’t, and codependents love to accommodate the wishes of others to prove themselves worthy of affection…it’s important to recognize how you may be feeding the very monster today who may destroy you tomorrow.”
You can be free of narcissistic and toxic relationships now and in the future. When you recognize the bond, you can neutralize it and walk away with dignity and powerful wisdom for all your future relationships. Knowing how you got hooked will help you see a narcissist for what they are but more importantly you will see who you are and what you really want, which is happier, healthier, more conscious, reciprocal relationships.