This is really, really tough for me- to open my heart out and let my feelings flow on to the net for others to read and judge me on the basis of. But all I can really tell you guys is what I know as of this moment- which is that this post and my journey on this portal is going to be an outlet for all sorts of things for me. I am going to attempt to be as honest as I can be here. One of my goals for this year is to do things that are important but that I have been avoiding for the longest time possible as actually going through with them would put me out of my comfort zone.
So I am going to try to write things here which I actually feel. No matter how uncomfortable the idea of putting them on a public portal like this one makes me.
Growing up, one of my worst fears has been that I will be disliked by those around me -and although part of being an adult is to learn to mask fears such as these and present a perpetually feisty front to the world, I find that I have still not gotten as far with actually not bothering about what someone thinks of me. It is a journey of self development and one that I constantly have to second guess myself on, but I have seen certain extremely welcome changes in my personality in the last couple of months and I am hopeful about my future as far becoming more assertive and being able to express my feelings is concerned.
Once, about eight years back, when I was going through a breakup with a person I had been in a serious relationship with for quite some time, my uncle who was in India on a visit, asked me to do something which seemed utterly silly at that time but has since had me thinking on several occasions about how blogging or posting on Facebook is kind of the same thing really. I was about 25 and without a job. My grandmom who was the dearest person in my life had passed away only a few months back and being with her through her last months, watching her suffer painfully and being unable to do anything about it had left me in a deep depression that was making it very difficult for me to function in a normal manner. To top that my boyfriend had given me an ultimatum that I would either give up all hopes of ever working and making a career for myself or I could kiss all dreams of being with him goodbye. I was in a state of heartbreak and the reasons were more than one. I was losing people who had been so important in my life and to events that I felt helpless to control. My uncle saw me doing the strangest things like breaking the sim card of my phone so that no one could reach me, staying awake all through the night and being in a haze through the day and being absolutely disinterested in anything that was going on around me. One Sunday evening, he asked me about my behavior and wondered what the issue was and I couldn’t hide anything anymore. I just broke down and cried like I have never cried before and told him everything that was going on. The things he said to me in response to my revelation to him might seem totally ordinary to anyone reading this, but at that time it made me feel strangely positive and as if I would be able to get over all that I was going through someday. I had till that point read about bad things having happened to people and how eventually people can move on from pretty much anything, but this was the first time I was actually getting validation from someone whose opinion I really respected and whose experiences and achievements in life, I held in extremely high regard. The following is what he told me-
And while the first two of those observations/suggestions did turn out to be true, it was the third one that I took the most seriously. And even now as I start writing this blog, I have only that advice in mind as there are few things that can make you be okay with rejection as much as putting your thoughts out on a public platform such as a blog or Facebook etc.
People will comment and tell you that you’re wrong, some will argue with you, others will try to make fun of you and yet others will simply ignore. There will be those as well who will agree with and appreciate every post of yours. Ironically, however, it will be this last category’s opinions that you will find the most difficult to take seriously. For it is human nature to believe the worst about ourselves and base our self worth on the criticism we receive. This is especially true in a case like mine where compliments generally tend to roll right off my back and the criticism sticks for months on end.
So the point of this post is that If I could only learn to ignore the barbs that are thrown my way and focus only on that which enhances my sense of self worth, this writing journey of mine really would have yielded the one thing I have sought for the longest time possible now!
If there are others who are reading this post and have had a journey or concerns similar to mine, I would absolutely love to hear your feedback and stories 🙂