For many single people, Valentine’s day is another reminder that they are single. That their relationship has ended (especially if it was recent), that they don’t have a partner. It can bring feelings of loneliness, of failure, of unworthiness.
However there is a great gift to be had on being single on Valentine’s day. (On any day really but this day presents a prominent opportunity to reflect.) You see, our worthiness, our happiness- that is all down to us. We are responsible for those things in ourselves. It is not down to anyone else. It never has been. Nor is it our job to ‘make’ anyone else happy or feel good. Sometimes we can, sometimes we can’t but we aren’t in control of that. Once we realise that we have that control for ourselves, things become so much easier.
Being single on Valentine’s day means that:
*You can reflect on the things that make you happy…and choose to do some of those things.
*You can understand what self care is, specifically for you. What you need when you need a bit of nurturing. And then guess what- you can do that!
*You won’t be expecting anything from anyone so there will be no disappointments.
*You can choose to spend time being grateful for the other people in your life that love and support you and that you love and support back.
When we are in a relationship we can often fall into the trap of having expectations of the other person. When we expect certain things- behaviours, certain needs to be met, to be understood- we are putting conditions on the relationship and If our expectations fall short and the conditions aren’t met then we feel disappointed. It might also be that the other person had expectations of you as well, that you may or may not have been aware of.
Taking time to reflect on your part in the relationship is good, because there is much learning to be had. Did you play a role? Did you have particular expectations or conditions which would mean a successful relationship to you? Were you trying to meet someone else’s conditions? Did you have good communication? Did you have clear boundaries? Did you seek to create your own happiness? Were you trying to please someone else? Or feeling that someone else should make you happy?
Asking questions helps us to see clearer and come to understanding, but it is important that the questions are about our own behaviours. We might still have biased answers, but we have more opportunity to be open and honest with ourselves as it is for our own benefit. If we try to answer these questions for someone else all we are going to do is create stories. We can never know the truth behind their actions. Telling ourselves stories won’t be helpful, as largely they probably won’t be good, useful or accurate ones! We could, of course, try to have a conversation with them about it. However it would be crucial to know what the purpose would be and what outcome we wanted from that conversation, because again, if you involve anyone else, you no longer have control.
‘To love oneself is the beginning of a life long romance.’ Oscar Wilde
Now is the time for you. To rediscover yourself. Valentine’s day is just a historical day with no definitive origin that has now been turned into some mass commercial, marketing frenzy. Where people can feel loved, cherished, desired, spoiled or disappointed, let down, lonely, unappreciated and so on. It doesn’t sound like a good concoction to me. Certainly not one to worry about if you are single, especially considering all of those just mentioned feelings are what can be felt when you are actually in a relationship!
So get busy with getting to know you. The most important person in your life. The one you need to show the most love to. If you are at that point where you aren’t sure who you are anymore and want to ‘find yourself again’ after coming out of a relationship, check out my other blog here on How To Find Yourself Again After A Relationship.
Have a lovely day. Every day. No matter the title they put on it. And embrace every opportunity to learn and grow and to love yourself more.