Los Angeles, where we buy crystals to attract an authentic life yet play games while trying to guess someone else’s rule book, read in-between the lines hoping we can find something that works with our narrative, and something’s value is determined by its label, whether it’s a purse or a relationship. Sometimes it can get exhausting, and a bit of a mind-f*** (I think my mind gets more action than I do, if you know what I mean).
As we all blame a past we try to run from or some former love who didn’t live up to the person we imagined them to be, we are all constantly trying to redeem ourselves for what we lack, hoping the other person completes us whether it’s with a steady job, an income that subsidizes the lifestyle we yearn to have and make our “reality”, by posting it on social media. Our self-worth is based off what others think of us and thanks to filters, good angles and doing what we think others want rather than what is true to us, we get wrapped into winning a strategic game that doesn’t resonate with our trueselves.
After a rollercoaster of a relationship in my early 20s, I took a break from dating but after being single for a good year, I dated a guy who seemed like a good guy. He was easy to get along with, said all the right things with convincing sincerity, California blonde and someone my mom wouldn’t hate. Long story short after 5 months of dating, I found out he had been seeing someone else (along with many other girls), thanks to an email I received from her while at a funeral in Switzerland (by the way to this day, she and I are great friends). When I told a girlfriend time what had happened, she said, “well of course… you never needed anything from him. You didn’t allow him to be a man.”
I’ve always been one to believe that if you constantly lean on your partner at a certain point, they will fall over. I believe there are many other ways for a woman to make her man feel like a man, that don’t require being needy but rather by showing him that you want him (take that as you will). As I moved on with my life, I realized that I was never going to know what I wanted out of a partner, unless I knew who I was. I recognized I needed to stop having my guard up but instead, have higher standards and that doesn’t mean demanding some 10-course meal that would completely ruin the buzz of some overpriced bottle of wine. It meant, making sure they are a good person, that they can make me laugh, that they always have my best interest at heart and more importantly, that they aren’t with me because it validates something they lack. I always say the strength of a man can be seen by the type of woman he chooses to be with. A man who isn’t intimidated by what a woman brings to the table and gets inspired by her resilience is my true definition of a man. A man who asks a woman to be less of who she is and to dim her shine so he can be the star, is lazy and rather cowardly.
A short while ago while at work, I received an email notification to find a note from the “nice blonde” guy, asking how I was along with a brief apology, saying he often thought of our time, I was the ultimate girl and he didn’t realize what he had. He also wanted to meet for coffee.
Now, if someone tries to come back into your life, it’s usually because they don’t like who they were in the situation- not because they miss you. They are seeking redemption. I wasn’t angry enough to reply something mean or angry because, to be honest, thanks to his lack of awareness and security, I managed to find people that make me happier than I could ever imagine. I told him I forgave him a long time ago and I was grateful for our time together because, without it, I wouldn’t be where I am now.
I think many girls see walking down the aisle as the finish line, the big grand finale to all the previous events that happened before finding their person. That being said, I may not have the cliché massive diamond ring to prove I am good at relationships or some picket fence to protect me if being a writer doesn’t work out… but I have roses on my table, a blue sweater that matters and a massive smile on my face. So, I guess, I don’t care if you think I’ve won- I know I have.