When something good happens, don’t just let it pass. Dwell on it for 30 seconds or so, at least, savoring how nice it feels: how happy you are that it came to pass. Extending this idea, reward yourself (in whatever way feels good) when you’ve had a win. It isn’t only dogs that are motivated by treats. Humans are too!
As a part of my series about “Connecting With Yourself To Live With Better Relationships” I had the pleasure to interview Ronit Enos is an award-winning ideation coach, public speaker and business strategist practicing innovative approaches that allow entrepreneurs to achieve optimal work/life balance. Salon Cadence is her unique program that teaches owners how to manage cash flow, and gain clarity and confidence on how to run their business. Her philosophy allows owners to reduce time scheduled behind the chair and focus 85% of efforts on business development to achieve financial freedom and success. Coaching/mentoring, workshops and speaking engagements available on ronitenos.com. Facebook: @RonitEnosProfits; Instagram: @RonitEnosSalonssProfits; YouTube: @RonitEnos. Accolades: Certified Business Coach, Strategies, Inc.; Certified Career and Profit Coach, Profit First; Mentor, Judge and Ideation Coach, Hult International Business School; Advisor, Sixpence; Business Development Advisor, Hair to Stay.
Thank you so much for joining us! Let’s Get Intimate! I’d love to begin by asking you to give us the backstory as to what brought you to this specific career path.
At some point, guest services business entrepreneurs become stagnant and plateau in their income and motivation. They are afraid of not being able to succeed. They get overwhelmed with all that needs to get done and can’t find the time or the focus to determine the next steps.
Consequently, they have no growth or future for their service based company. Many of them live paycheck to paycheck and barely have time to have a family or meaningful relationships. They think it’s because they don’t have enough money, but the truth is, they simply don’t have the time, the mindset or resources to grow their company to its fullest potential.
They don’t use their time wisely because they don’t know how to use the new ways of running a business and thus miss out on magical moments with family and friends. We had the same problem in our company. We were entrepreneurs riding a carousel, trying to do everything. We struggled for more time and for more money to grow our business. We wanted to get bigger and have more space so we could expand. But more than anything, we wanted to grow a company to get to the point where we could have a lot more freedom and time to do what we really love and enjoy a higher income.
We wanted the business to be able to almost run itself; we wanted to build the brand so clients were coming for the brand vs. the individual. First, we checked out how the top 2% of experts in the industry did it. The first lesson learned: they don’t do it all themselves. They either have partners that work or a management team. But in order to have all of that, you need to have the cash flow to support it.
What I wanted to figure out was how to mimic their success in a single-owner culture where I didn’t have partners or a management team to help me. And we did it. When a friend of mine asked me to help do the same thing in her company, I knew this was my next calling. I was here now to bring resources and systems with clarity, and help woman fulfill not only career success, but also freedom in their life and in their relationships.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you hope that they might help people along their path to self-understanding or a better sense of wellbeing in their relationships?
We launched a new program, “The Economics of a Company,” that helps entrepreneurs that have service based businesses get their financial model in their company strong, so they can have the cash flow they need to make the right decisions. We work on self-love and mindset at the same time; together we empower confidence and a roadmap that truly reflects their wants and beliefs. I am so excited to be able to be part of making other people’s life dreams come true. You can’t do that unless you have a clear understanding of what you really want, and have profits emotionally and financially. Once they feel the confidence and empowerment, and see results, then there is more room for better relationships with themselves and others.
Do you have a personal story that you can share with our readers about your struggles or successes along your journey of self-understanding and self-love? Was there ever a tipping point that triggered a change regarding your feelings of self-acceptance?
A great lesson we learned was from doing something totally unexpected when the economy was down in 2010 (the worst year). We were worried about losing a lot of local business to lower rate services offered at local salons, so we decided on three actions to avoid it.
- We advertised in local magazines and papers and our campaign was all about feeling good and having fun while getting beautiful — “You bring your hair, we take care of the rest.” We spent every dime on advertising because no one else did, we were the only ones!
2. We made our salon very interactive, we had a community table where we sat everyone (away with the mirrors) and served appetizers and luxury coffee or tea wine. We played fun games, and had great music. It was everyone’s night out, nobody wanted to leave.
3. We included a beautiful finished style with every service we offered. We didn’t lose many clients that year. We gave love and we serviced more and more everyday. We asked the staff in a huddle every morning what we could do better to make guests happy and that made us happy and grew our confidence.
We had to struggle. We cut expenses and shaved lots of fat to survive the hard times; my biggest struggle was keeping the morale going. We were all fighting for our productivity and had to have pay cuts and some pay changes. We found that if you speak the truth and you include the team in the process, everyone is vested in a plan that can be sustained even in hard times. I was afraid to be transparent about my struggle and be vulnerable about not having enough revenue to sustain the company. I learned that you have to have self-love to save others with unconditional love, one win at a time.
According to a recent study cited in Cosmopolitan, in the US, only about 28 percent of men and 26 percent of women are “very satisfied with their appearance.” Could you talk about what some of the causes might be, as well as the consequences?
I believe some of it comes from childhood, the stories we hear and see at home.
We hear that we have to brush our teeth everyday; otherwise they won’t be white enough.
Or that we need to mind our candy or amount of food, or we will be too fat or unhealthy. We see our parents constantly checking their weight, but yet don’t educate us on healthy food.
Nowadays, it’s even more extreme due to social media. Facebook and Instagram are full of retouched pictures…it’s superficial and leaves no time to be in the now, to spend time on what really matters, to focus on small wins so we can really feel beautiful. I think we don’t spend enough time exploring the world and relationships. We go from high school to college to work, but if we spend some time traveling before college experiencing other cultures, we would have a more meaningful life. We would have more positive emotional experiences deposited in our bank instead of empty withdrawals. If we spend more time in museums and saw that art is beautiful no matter what, it would change our mindset on beauty. If we spend more time with friends studying or doing something meaningful, like baking cookies or cakes, we would have more emotional deposits, which equals confidence.
We take all of this into our adult lives and careers. We don’t have to be overwhelmed with how we look if we choose to simplify our life by being more mindful of good support systems.
As cheesy as it might sound to truly understand and “love yourself,” can you share with our readers a few reasons why it’s so important?
If you don’t learn to self-love and self-nourish, you won’t be able to love others fully and truly.
You would doubt many of your actions, which leads to suffering.
You won’t have authentic relationships and great friendships.
You will be lonely, no matter how many people are around you.
You won’t contribute to making a great future for our children.
It would be like the “Truman Show “ or living in the “Matrix.”
Why do you think people stay in mediocre relationships? What advice would you give to our readers regarding this?
I love that question, because we settle for average, where we should not. We should always thrive for what we want and nothing less. You might not get what you want, but you will be closer to it than before.
1. I believe the secret to true love and relationships is to be who you are. When you meet someone, don’t pretend to be what you think they want you to be. Be who you are…let them know what you like, what you don’t like, what your dreams are, what you want out of life, your hobbies, what you like to do on the weekends, what you don’t. Don’t be afraid if they are not into it…you just saved yourself months or years of work and an unloved relationship. When you try to be someone else, you will never find the right friends for you. Same goes for work employees, friends and so on.
2. Listen a lot, hear what people are saying.
3.Take time for you everyday, do things that you like.
The New York Times bestseller Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and Confidence, says our brains lay down neural patterns rapidly when negative events happen. Our ancestors evolved this way to survive: if the dangers didn’t make a big impression on us, we could perish. On the other hand, good things happen all the time — from the merely pleasant to the powerfully good, but they don’t make as big an impression on our brains. To counter this, and lay down neural pathways that are positive and guide us to follow them more easily in the future, the author Hanson recommends savoring the positive. When something good happens, don’t just let it pass. Dwell on it for 30 seconds or so, at least, savoring how nice it feels: how happy you are that it came to pass. Extending this idea, reward yourself (in whatever way feels good) when you’ve had a win. It isn’t only dogs that are motivated by treats. Humans are too!
When I talk about self-love and understanding I don’t necessarily mean blindly loving and accepting ourselves the way we are. Many times self-understanding requires us to reflect and ask ourselves the tough questions, to realize perhaps where we need to make changes in ourselves to be better not only for ourselves but our relationships. What are some of those tough questions that will cut through the safe space of comfort we like to maintain, that our readers might want to ask themselves? Can you share an example of a time that you had to reflect and realize how you needed to make changes?
Many times I go through self-doubt and have fears, here is what I do to change it. I make a list of my doubts. And then I make a list of actions to overcome the doubts.
- Am I a good boss? Why?
- Why do I lose employees or why do I keep them?
- Am I in the present when I am with friends or on the phone?
- Do I listen to my kids when they talk to me or am I on the phone?
- Do I expect too much out of my friends or am I with the wrong friends?
- Do I support my husband enough? Do I get back what I need from the relationship? Do I express my feelings of how I feel my fears?
- Do I ask my staff how I can help them do the tasks they need to do? How can I help them grow?
- What are the reasons my staff likes working here? What could I improve and how?
- What will make me happy, what does freedom mean to me?
- What can I do to help the world more?
These are the things that can change the doubtful beliefs. I listen to what my mentors say and I write a list of the worst things that could happen as a result of my doubts and what I can do about it. That way, I take the fear out, I empower myself and I never look back.
So many don’t really know how to be alone, or are afraid of it. How important is it for us to have, and practice, that capacity to truly be with ourselves and be alone (literally or metaphorically)?
Yes, being alone is scary, but we are more alone now than we have ever been. We think we are socially connected, but we are not.
I listen to students between the ages of 22–28 and they are alone, there are not enough activities to congregate us together. Yes, through the digital world, but not in the physical world.
I believe everyone needs some alone time, like 2 hours to yourself a day (get up early and do a yoga class, walk with the dogs, hike, etc) without distractions. But we are humans that need to be with their tribes as well, so join a local group: book clubs, Meetup.com, travel clubs, art classes, dance class…get out of your own way! Find a great meditation retreat for 3–7 days and learn more about yourself than ever. I have not yet tried a whole week, but I went for 4 days once and it was an eye opener.
How does achieving a certain level of self-understanding and self-love then affect your ability to connect with and deepen your relationships with others?
Having confidence in yourself builds confidence and empowerment in others.
Loving who you are and accepting who you are takes practice, so do relationships and passion so instead of networking and working a room, find 3 people and spend quality time getting to know them. Ask them questions about themselves and really listen to them.
In your experience, what should a) individuals and b) society, do to help people better understand themselves and accept themselves?
Spend less with our phones and more time with people.
Get to know strangers, find more groups and hobbies to be a part of.
Learn to meditate and journal gratitude consistently.
Professor Barbara Fredrickson explains that true self-love comes when you are rewarding yourself, when you practice positive intentions. You need to practice everyday to make yourself happy. Do 3 vs. 1 thing that makes you happy.
What are 5 strategies that you implement to maintain your connection with and love for yourself, that our readers might learn from? Could you please give a story or example for each?
We all have some sort of a calling find out your purpose get clarity on it, how can you serve others. Practice self-love everyday, be present in conversation, give yourself time when making decisions.
Wake up at 5:00 am
Write in my gratitude journal for 5 minutes
Send one thank you letter a week
Mediate for 20 min
Drink my coffee and read for 10 minutes
Plan my day
Practice self-love meditation: Close your eyes, think of being wrapped in a soft white cloud and repeat, “I am beautiful, I am calm, I have peace in me, may I be happy, may I be healthy, may I be…” Think of someone you love who needs some love, “May XX be happy, may XX be healthy, may XX be in peace,” repeat it for 10 minutes and take slow long breaths. If you practice this for 21 days, it will bring you great focus and a sense of happiness.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources for self-psychology, intimacy, or relationships? What do you love about each one and how does it resonate with you?
Tim Ferriss, love, love, love. It’s about everything you can learn on relationships, health, body and mind startups, books, financial information and entrepreneur’s lessons.
Delivering Happiness/Tony Hsieh — teaches about how important it is to be valuable and feel appreciated at work
Be our Guest “World Disney” — about true service and what makes people happy
Thrive/Arianna Huffington — so many authentic stories and lessons on self-love and resources
Profit First/Mike Michalowicz — how to create steady cash flow money relationships
The Effective Executive/Peter Drucker — time management, to make it all happen we need to manage our time right
Happier/Tal Ben Shahar — I love Tal, the truth about self-love
Awaken Meditation website — it’s like eating candy or ice cream, sweet and happy
http://www.eckharttollenow.com/ great tips on mindfulness
This is Marketing/Seth Godin — perfect tool to understanding today’s marketing and how to be different from the unauthentic messages
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? Maybe we’ll inspire our readers to start it…
Love to have a travel club that can grow and grow, made out of young children that will learn how to develop a company together, maybe a few companies. The ages would be 10–18, before children get into trouble. It would be like camp, but with the purpose of teaching others how to self-love, be positive and help one another work on human and social issues . “CHANGE IS GOOD travel with me” could be a good name for it.
“Parenthood Academy” — how to become the best parent, have a branch in every town. Digital as well.
“Young Senior Moment” — seniors have fun and work forever. Build a resource base foundation for seniors that helps them.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote” that you use to guide yourself by? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life and how our readers might learn to live by it in theirs?
“It is not the years in your life that counts, it is the life in your year.”
– Abraham Lincoln
Thank you so much for your time and for your inspiring insights!
About the Author:
Sasza Lohrey is the Founder & CEO of BBXX, a digital platform for intimacy and wellbeing. She is also the host of the BBXX podcast, “Let’s Get Intimate!” which hosts provocative and entertaining conversations with experts in order to challenge the way our culture conditions us to talk about sex, intimacy, and healthy relationships. BBXX was created in order to help people better understand themselves, so that they then can form deeper and more fulfilling relationships with others. Sasza is a former D1 athlete with a background in psychology and digital media. She is a member of the Women of Sex Tech collective, the co-mentorship community Dreamers and Doers, and a regular columnist for several online publications. Originally from the Bay Area, Sasza founded BBXX during a Stanford entrepreneurship program in Santiago, Chile. Learn more on our website and listen to more interviews with experts on our top-rated podcast!