«Some dude threw a bottle of orange juice at me and called me names … »
A trans Friend wrote this to me, asking for a piece of advice and for some comfort I guess. I thought to myself that that dude must have been seriously disturbed by my friend and her looks…for him to react so violently in public. I started wondering what was the trigger for the dude. This is what I told her, based on my coaching practice and my own experience and I hope it can shed some light on the topic of rejection, judgment, anger, blame, and guilt for all of us.
“Just move on dear… You were just a mirror to that dude. Every time, we see in the mirror something so frightening that we want to break it, it only says that we have a serious issue or identity problem to heal… It is never about the mirror. The mirror is just the messenger here and yes people usually shoot the messenger … So stand tall and smell roses, let it flow on you, you don’t need his blessing to be who you are. He hit you, don’t let him do it twice by being angry or ashamed and giving him what he wants. So the best thing you can do next time is to say thank you … and smile but the mirroring story is far more complicated than it seems because it works both ways.
1. You mirror all of this to them…( maybe hidden feelings, inner confusion, all things that are not faced and shaming….) and the strong, harsh or sometimes violent reaction is just a way to negate, deny that feeling or that emotion.
In this case: ” If I react violently and if I am judgmental and behave like an aggressive man, no one will ever discover or suspect that I am attracted to men or that I am confused sexually…”
Recently I had a case like that of a very strong reaction to someone falling in love with another person while being married and this was the ultimate sin for my client. She had a violent fight with her sister who had opened up about her affair. She reacted very violently and shamed her sister and called her a whore. She called me the day after saying there was something wrong with her…During the session and while digging in, my client admitted that she had had an affair but that she would never allow this affair to destroy her marriage so … Ultimately that was her reason for shaming and being very loud about women cheating… It is a classic and I’ve seen it so many times …When people swear on God and heavens and have such a violent reaction to something that does not concern them on the paper, it is because it does concern them at some level ….Always. There is no other way otherwise why would they react?
Every time we judge someone else, we reveal an unhealed part of ourselves.
2. Anyway, this is the first part of the mirroring effect but that’s not all because the only question that should matter is: What are these triggering people or situations mirroring to you? What is the lesson for you?
Because by being triggered, we just validate what that “obnoxious roommate living in your head” thinks and feels. Lack of self-worth, lack of self-confidence, feeling of not being loveable, feeling of being a bad person, of being not beautiful, feeling of being a failure, feeling of being an outcast, feeling that life is unfair and that people have a better life …? Often these limiting beliefs are rooted in your childhood …
Let’s take an example “Feeling of being left out “. People who are triggered this way, can often get into ”childlike tantrums” or isolate themselves when they feel rejected or constantly play the victim game. Humans are social by nature and it starts out by the way we come on this earth. If we are not taken care of … We die, so being acknowledged and ultimately loved means everything to us. Problem is that we sometimes grow up confusing love and attention and confusing attention and self-worth. They are not the same. Poor parenting might also have made you believe that you are not enough and that you do not deserve to be included. These limiting beliefs are always rooted in our childhood and affect us in our adult life.
You probably feel a bit of all of these mixed feelings and emotions … I sometimes do. We are humans. The good news is that we have the free will to decide that the mirror made a mistake because there is nothing like that to mirror back to you. Thank them and smile…
Tell them that there is no way someone is making you feel like guilty for what you did or ashamed for who you are because you choose to love yourself and that you need no validation, that you just are. Please never buy what they are mirroring to you the truth and be depressed and sad because that would mean that you let them validate and define who you truly are… and that you validate all the bullshit they threw on your face. Or maybe they are right and a part of you thinks exactly the way they do. Well if so, maybe it is time for you to release all of that crap, to do a healing and start to love yourself …Remember that people have as much power as you give them and as much you allow them to take from you.
Don’t let anyone steal your joy from you for it is your birthright and always remember the brilliant lyrics of this beautiful song « Iam what I am and what I am, and what I am needs no excuses » [https://youtu.be/-tz8SaxP3bg]
So what was the last time you really had a strong reaction if rejection and hate towards a person or what she was doing? What was this person mirroring to you?
You know what and whatever the answer is… Find a way to face it, heal it and release the shame and the guilt.
Click here to explore the different aspects of your psyche and the limiting beliefs that might be the root trigger for you. This guided meditation called ” I am also a We” will help put a face behind the voice of fear which keeps playing in your head.
When you are triggered, mindfulness can help you here.
My suggestion is to:
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.”– Viktor Frankl.
Take time to pause, to allow the emotions to move through. Those harsh emotions and reactions are just visitors, they do not define you. Don’t turn them into permanent resident or give them asylum into your heart.
Close your eyes everytime you feel this trigger and breathe in consciously in and out and say:
” I am love (then breathe in breathe out and say) I am loved (then breathe in breathe out then say) I am loving ( breathe in and out and say) I am loveable. No matter what.”
Then breathe in and out and just start counting from 10 to 0 and breathe. This should do the trick. Let me know how it works for you.
Do let me know your thoughts on this post and tips you use for a happier life. Best way to reach me is on IG @theinnerchilddoula.
Blessings of joy
N’Deye The Inner Child Doula
N’deye Fana Gueye is a story-teller and a blogger and the Author and Illustrator of forthcoming children’s book ”It’s cool to have a smart heart” which provides parents with tools to empower their precious kids and increase their emotional and social literacy. She is also a mentor and holistic therapist known as the Inner Child Doula and helps people reconnecting with their inner child through Inner Child Rebirthing Sessions. She is a Reiki-master and teaches mindfulness. She is a Change Catalyst and a Shadow work Evangelist and the Car Lite Therapy™ is a tool she has created to help people understand the different aspects of their personality and take the driver’s seat. For her, people don’t need to be saved or rescued. People need to acknowledge their own power and to access it. Click here to find more.